Childcare arrangements after seperation

[zedfest]

I'm just wondering if anyone else has separated from their partner whilst they've got a young baby (my LO is 4 months and we've been split just over two weeks) and how they've split childcare.

I'm on maternity leave so I've done every night feed since baby has been born and had baby every day all day. My ex loves our child but wasn't/isn't very hands on. He likes doing the funny noises and faces but as soon as baby needs anything he says "she wants you" and hands her back.

I'm happy having her, she's beyond wonderful and we've got our little routines and I've worked her out as well as I can at this point so we muddle through.

But now he wants to see her every day - so I'm having to take her to him at the house we used to share when he finishes work (always different times) and collect her which means I can't make any plans or do anything as I have to be on call for him. Is it unreasonable to say that isn't practical moving forward?

I've suggested a timetable so that then at least I know when he's having her so I can plan to see a friend, read a book or have a nap (lol), but he says he doesn't want a timetable.

He also wants to have her overnight which I'm wary of, however tonight I said yes and 17 minutes later he called and said she wanted me (she didn't, she wanted her bottle which I had told him when I dropped her off).

Baring in mind I left him because he was extremely abusive towards me (verbally 247), I'm finding it real hard to have patience for him just clicking his fingers especially when I don't feel comfortable leaving her with him anyway based on how little time he's spent with her. But I can't say anything, even calmly because he just kicks off in front of her and I hate her hearing it and then seeing me upset so I feel completely stuck. I thought this would all stop when I left but somehow he's still managing to control everything.

So yeah, really just looking for some advice and tips because I'm really struggling. He's telling everyone I'm saying he can't see her as well, which is absurd considering I'm planning my whole life around when he might decide he can fit her in. He's horrible.

Yanbu to insist on a schedule that specifies a time. I suspect that if you went through the legal process then you wouldn't be expected to turn up daily - especially if the time that he finishes work clashes with bedtime. You shouldn't be on call just in case - you should know what days and times your dd is seeing Dad.

With regards to the handing her back after 18 mins- do you think he might lose interest if you lay boundaries like a specific time that you will travel to him? I suspect that an abusive dick like him will up the ante and not be at home or something but you would be able to say to a court that you turned up at Xpm and he wasn't there proving that you are being reasonable and he is being a dick.

Of course it isnt practical - give him one evening where he can have her in the week (not staying over) and one day E)"

He is still abusing and controlling you with this - get legal advice as well

He's reluctant to do anything legal because he knows I've got videos of him threatening to punch me, so he keeps saying not to get courts involved. I'm not looking for anything drastic I just want a routine and safety for my baby so she doesn't have to grow up listening to his vile mouth or watching me cry.

I've asked his family for help but he's just so manipulative that they keep defending him even though they've seen him threatening me and trying to smash our windows with their own eyes. Now they're being funny with me and I don't understand why. I'm within my rights to tell him he can't see her at all after his behaviour but I'm still trying to give them a relationship because I'm scared if I don't she will blame me when she's older

I sympathise. My baby is 6 months. Three when I left. Im breastfeeding so my OH can't have baby overnight and I wouldn't feel comfortable with him doing so yet anyway. We have another 4 year old who does stay with him at weekends or most. I am seeing a solicitor soon so that we can make formal arrangements as the problems arrive when we get into arguments about who's doing what or not!! Ta so hard but I would've be bullied into fitting around him. Why should you? Is it you're first? My maternity leave has also been ruined by all of this. Sounds like he should be do the one running around since you're doing all the work for the baby.

Yes she's our first

Will he have patience with a baby? That would be my main concern.

Ex and I split when DD was 3 months. He had her EOW after we split (bottle fed). I shouldn't have let her go so young but he had the support and I think it's helped her get used to it as she was none the wiser atv3 months. But she did get separation anxiety and still does at 10 months, but that's normal, apparently. She loves her dad and is comfortable at his, or so I'm told.

However, when we were together prior to that, he would tell her to shut up if she was crying as he couldn't cope. It broke my heart. He did it on a few occasions, and he shoved the bottle in her mouth because she wouldn't stop crying. 😞

I'm not sure what your ex is like but go with your gut.

There’s no way I’d be taking a 4 month old to see their abusive Father every day, at his beck and call. I don’t think it’s the best thing for your baby or for you. I would tell him you’ll arrange 2 visits a week, and that’s it. If he doesn’t co-operate then see a solicitor. I also would be be doing all the running around, dropping off and picking up. Is he paying proper maintenance?
Please don’t let him carry on his abusive behaviour. You deserve to enjoy these months with your baby, they go so quickly!

Get legal advice. You seem to think you can't because he says not to, but you can. Draw up an agreement of dates and times he sees her.

Other peoples arrangements isnt going to help. Because he isnt a reasonable person.

Co parenting usually works best with a schedule. A set schedule. Me and exh didnt have a legal schedule as we were both reasonable about it. If I wanted the kids and extra for whatever reason, it was fine. If he wanted then for an extra day. That was also fine.

However, the kids decided to spend less and less time with them, he became less and less interested and now barely see them at all.

You need a set in stone schedule. He will keep taking the piss.

I think you're all right, it's bad enough we've had to leave the house that I've paid half for since we moved in and even whilst on maternity because he won't leave and then he's continuing to call me names and control everything it's horrible.

Would anyone have any advice on how I get the ball rolling? I'd like to just message or even call him and just calmly explain the current plan isn't working and talk through something that would suit us both but he just starts swearing at me or point blank ignores what I'm saying and just demands to see her.

I guess I'm scared if I say no to contact it'll somehow go against me in the future and as I said I'm worried one day my daughter will blame me for their lack of relationship.

The problem is, he wants us to go back, he keeps swapping between I'm his everything and his life is nothing without me, to, he can't stand me but wants to live with us both for our daughters sake. But I can't do it anymore he's been like this for over a year and it's killing me. I'm really enjoying motherhood, I've been so lucky that she's as chilled as she is and I love our days together and I don't even find the sleep thing that tough (it's tough of course but I'm managing), it literally is JUST HIM. He's the only reason I cry, I can't go back there I just can't

Regarding maintenance, we're still going from last month where he'd given some money for her as he does each month, but he won't talk about what's going to happen as of the end of this month (when we both get paid). So I don't know, but the rent comes out of my bank account, even though the house is only in his name so should I cancel that this month? I don't see why I should skint myself out when we're not even living there and there's no guarantee he will pay his half to me let alone anything else?

This is horrible. I just want to be settled with my daughter and for her to be happy and grow up knowing respect is key in all relationships.

Yes first off inform the landlord/agents that you have moved out and are stopping the direct debit and to contact him directly
Then start a claim with CMS
Then get a solicitor appt and ask them to send a letter setting out your contact proposals

He’s still controlling you and making sure you have no life. Go to court, get a contact order, make sure he pays CMS and IMO 4 months is way too young for over nights and no court would enforce this (I don’t think!) you can regain control by saying no and writing a timetable that is fair to you both and sticking to it, no ifs no buts! Good luck OP! I really hope you know you don’t have to take his crap.

100% tell landlords you don’t live there and he is now responsible for full rent payment.