Is it normal to argue more after first baby?

[SleepDeprived2018]

DH and i just dont seem to get on aswell since arrival of DC nearly a year ago. We hve been together nearly 9 yrs. is it normal?? Its like hes become so selfish since the baby? I feel so sad we have always been like best friends but this past year he is like a different person.

Yes many couples go through this stage after the first child. It will get better with time though

I would say yes, but only because 2 people who have their partner as their number one priority have now had this bomb put into their relationship that demands priority, wakes you up, demands to be fed etc

If you are conscious of it is he? Talking without apportioning blame would be the way forward. Dh and I have been together over 20 years, we have always tried to come at it from a "it would be helpful/appreciated if you did X" rather than "you never do the bath time routine."

Babies/toddlers/children/teens are hard, it is easier to opt out than it is to roll your sleeves up and crack on.

Yes me and dp do. I think, or definitely for us two, I have naturally adjusted to being a parent and all my priorities have shifted. Dp is definitely still pre parent mode. So he still does and arranges to do everything he wants and notifies us at a later date. Fucks me off tbh.

He also is not proactive so he will help but he has to be asked and then I feel like a nag so cba asking.

Yes. We did. I thought it would break us at the time and I've since spoken to other friends about it openly and they have said the same.

It's all so different and a massive change in lifestyle, and at a time you feel you both need to be more selfless than you ever have been it just highlights even more any acts of perceived selfishness.

If he acts selfishly over things such as nights out, lie ins etc maybe you could try agreeing a lie in each a week, a night out or time to yourself each once a fortnight (even if that is sitting in your room with a book undisturbed for a couple of hours) so you both know when your time is coming and that you will get it. When things are hectic and you're knackered you know you will get a rest on x day. These things helped us.

Yup.. I thought it was just us until a friend confided in me that her and her husband were going through the same (our dc are 7weeks apart)
Ds is now 17 months and dh and I have talked and things are going better. Ds starting to sleep through the night has helped matters

Yes-it will get better.

Yes it’s really common OP. However, that doesn’t mean you have to just sit and wait and hope for it to go back to how it was. Talk to him. Tell him how you’re feeling (without blaming it all on him) and try to come up with some ideas to improve things between you.

I remember having a particularly bad day at home with baby. She was screaming, I had no sleep, I was elbow deep in shit when husband came home and opened a beer and put his feet on the table. He wasnt a useless dad. He helped loads but it struck me that his job was over for the day and mine continued throughout the night and I flew into a murderous rage.

I had to spell out to him how horrendous my day was and the feeling that it was never ending and the only hope I had was him coming home and easing the load a little by helping without being asked. He was a hands on dad and he did help but he felt entitled to a little rest after work where as I had been staring at the clock all day waiting for some relief to arrive.

After that day he always came in and took a baby off me for a bit so I could just have some time to myself. He still managed to have a beer. But these arguments were frequent until we reached a happy, equal routine. I think he thought I'd had a relaxing day at home with baby. It wasn't til he started doing a bit more care on his own that he realised how hard it is.

A new baby is possibly the worst thing for any relationship. Someone once advised never break up in that first year as many of the problems you are experiencing will go away once baby is older. However I think even the most loving man can appear a tad selfish when a baby arrives. The bottom line is your life has changed massively. You are forced to feed and care for this baby 24hrs a day on very little sleep with no one else to hand over to. His will only change as much as he let's it. He may be one of those Dad's that wants to do everything. He may need it spelling out to him. Or he may think is quite helpful but blindly going through life without much thought for others. The best way for him to learn is for you to leave him to it as much as possible. Failing that give him a list.

Sounds like he’s jealous of the attention you give the baby.

Is he 50/50 on parenting and housework?

Oh I also read somewhere that men like to be the knight in shining armour. Instead of 'take the bin out you lazy dickhead' try 'darling I need your help with the bin please'

Its gotta have 'I need you' in it

Myself and my dh had to have a week apart when ds1 was 5 months old, we were arguing so much. Often about silly things but we were both so exhausted and of course exhaustion makes for snappy and sometimes unreasonable people. I was full of resentment feeling everything had changed for me while he continued at work. I was wrong, it was tough for him too but just could not see it at the time.

It got better when ds1 was around 1 and I went back to work. By ds2 we learnt some lessons and was sure to take time together as a couple when we could, we accepted both were tired and stopped the competition of who is more tired, and had better expectations of househork with a baby. Ds2 is 18 months now and it was a lot better between us.

Oh yes and don't do the tired competition. You're winning every time.

Yes, definitely.

We found that we were always competing - who was the most tired, who wasn't pulling their weight, who had more free time, who worked harder, who did more housework etc

It's much better now, nearly five years on because we really had to work at it.

But, we only have one child and agreed that our relationship probably wouldn't survive another hence we won't be having another!