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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online Dating - What are the rules? Hints and tips welcome to a newbie.

20 replies

TheSparkling · 24/08/2019 17:52

I have just dipped my toe into the pool that is online dating. Having not dated for over 15 years and never having used OLD before I would be grateful for some tips and advice from anyone.

I've been exchanging messages with someone for a day on the website and he has asked if I would text instead. The messaging on the site is a bit clumsy so I can understand why he asked but what I want to know is how early is it ok to give someone your number?

How long before a meeting is arranged? Are there any red flags I should be looking for?

I realise you have to have some honesty in order to get to know someone but I have been incredibly naive in the past and would be grateful for any advice that anyone can offer.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 24/08/2019 19:39

My number one advice is that:

There is NO relationship until you have met

Until then you are dealing with ifs, buts, and maybes.

So meet A|SAP, for a coffee initially - or drinks with a set end-time - so 'let's meet at 7 because I'm meeting friends at 8.30'. Never turn that first date into something more - it is the 'no spark/no interest meet'.

If you get on at that point, then begin dating. Always remembering this is dating. He is sending his 'best representative', just as you are.
Do not assume exclusiveness until you have had 'the talk'. And do not feel you should be exclusive until then either. In fact, if you tend to throw yourself into relationships too soon, actively date many people to try to stop that happening.

And be clear - this is not cheating unless you say you are exclusive.

If someone tries to go exclusive too soon - red flag

Listen to what he says and what he does, and if they match. If they don't match - bail. If he says he's not looking for something serious, but acts as if he is - he still means he is not looking for anything serious.

If he says he's looking for something serious but doesn't introduce you to friends, family etc as the opportunity arises? He's not looking for anything serious.

You can learn loads of lists of red flags (and I'm sure Mumsnet will obllige), but I would say to trust yourself, value yourself, and set your bar high. Otherwise, a man could be leading the army of the USSR all flags flying, and you'd still talk yourself out of ditching him.

Also beware of people who come on strong when they don't know you. Just what are they so interested in?

Good luck, OP - there's happiness to be found in OLD, but you need your wits, your boundaries and your standards at well-fuctioning levels Flowers

TheSparkling · 24/08/2019 21:56

Thank you for replying - some great advice there.

OP posts:
Millymotto · 24/08/2019 22:13

V good Christmasfluff.

Though I personally think the exclusivity conversation is from American dating. If you have to have an ‘exclusivity” conversation, it means things are not clear and possibly the whole thing is dead in the water!

noego · 24/08/2019 22:14

You can usually tell if they've got their head up their arse by their profile. The me, me, me, me, type

Millymotto · 24/08/2019 22:16

The Americans like contracts in business I think that’s where it comes from etc but it means nowt in dating. It’s experience, reality and truth. Totally agree with Christmasfluff don’t lower your standards though and keep your boundaries 😊

Notcoolmum · 24/08/2019 22:31

milly are you actively OLD? The exclusivity chat is a real thing and needed in the current world of OLD. You both start out with a variety of condensations and potential dates. Without the chat you really don't know where you are both at in terms of seeing other people. Never assume someone is just dating you unless you have discussed it.

There is always an active dating thread on this board. Think we are on thread 167!!!

MerryDeath · 24/08/2019 22:34

meet ASAP for a low commitment coffee etc.. there is no point in spending ages chatting as you will create an idea of what you are getting and they WILL NOT be that!

meet people who aren't your ~type too. the more the merrier when it comes to the first round of OLD. just get off the computer and out into real life.. that's the only way to find the real chemistry which is sometimes not what you think you want!

OhioOhioOhio · 24/08/2019 22:35

Omg.

MerryDeath · 24/08/2019 22:35

if anyone gives you mixed signals bin em. easy come easy go OLD! don't get attached!

Millymotto · 24/08/2019 22:48

Understand where you’re coming from NotCool. But I still think the exclusivity chat is a lot of imported American bollox. It’s like are you my sole supplier? Personal relationships reduced to business agreements! Not buying it!

Peanutbuttericecream · 24/08/2019 22:54

Never give away any personal details at the beginning. Always tell someone where you are going. Always meet somewhere busy and away from where you live. Get a friend to call you at a set time. Younthen have an opportunity to leave early.

TheSparkling · 26/08/2019 09:05

Thanks everyone who has taken the time to give advice. It is really helpful. I've been chatting on line with a couple of different men and it has been fun but I definitely think meeting is a much quicker way to see someone for who they really are.

All I've done at the moment is exchange phone numbers. I guess it is easy to be swept up in the idea of someone liking you and being interested and creating a whole imaginary person based on a text conversation. I need to guard myself against that.

OP posts:
Jade74 · 26/08/2019 23:12

Another suggestion is to have a separate cheap PAYG phone so you can decide if you want them to have your real number just in case they turn out to be weird or stalkerish I have done this in the past then if it ended up a relationship then gave them my normal number, don't give out any other personal details and it's sometimes good to talk or chat on what s app so you can see what they look like/ sound like but meet quickly. . Someone said to me once for OLD if you don't meet within the first three days then you never will.

Also be clear about what you want and don't want and what is acceptable it's a complete mine field good luck .

Jade74 · 26/08/2019 23:13

Also check out the rules on the dating thread they are useful .

Jennifer2r · 26/08/2019 23:21

I always have a phone conversation before meeting up, you can really tell a lot from a 5 minute chat.

Don't get too dolled up for a first date, you want someone who will take you as you are.

YouTube videos of Matthew Hussey, his dating advice is spot on.

Enjoy yourself! It's supposed to be fun.

StarsOutShining · 27/08/2019 00:07

Another heads up for a cheap PAYG phone until you are sure they are worthy of your interest, and not lions.

StarsOutShining · 27/08/2019 00:07

loons that should have read!

StarsOutShining · 27/08/2019 00:12

Maybe even wait till there’s a real friendship or relationship. Online dating is full of crazies. Keep your boundaries clear and always put your safety first.

AverageGuy · 27/08/2019 12:51

OP,
Join us on the dating thread! - lots of good advice given -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3669442-Dating-thread-167-Help-I-need-somebody-but-not-just-anybody

Decentsalnotime · 29/08/2020 12:13

Op

I’m now in same boat as you!

Did you have any joy with OLD!

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