Theres no coming back from this is there?

[Honeypie19]

Been with dp 18 years, only the first few were amazing everything after that was just going through the motions - buying a house having a child.

Few years ago in the space of 2 years we lost 4 close family members between us. me 3 and him one. both lost our dads. he took this worse than I ever expected and from the moment his dad was diagnosed his depression and anxiety hit - he lost his job, eventually he returned to education to study art. while all this was going on I was struggling mentally too but having to get up each morning to look after ds who at this time was around 3/4. Add on 7 miscarriages through this time and my version of events is totally different to his.

He was out most nights after college, with people half his age, while happy he'd found something he loved doing I resented him so much for carrying on as normal. working to pay the bills, collecting ds from nursery/school cooking washing and cleaning the house, eventually putting ds to bed wondering where dp was and why he didn't care about saying goodnight to ds. They have a very fractured relationship still to this day, he tells me he doesn't know how to speak to him he's now 7 and quite frequently tells me he hates his dad. he will never just be nice to him he's always got to speak to him in such an authoritative tone of voice and make threats.

Dp's version would be that he was finding himself and it was his way of grieving, he did eventually tone the going out stuff down and has started to help a lot more around the house. But for me theres too much happened to me personally that i've needed help over and not received. I dont know how to get past this feeling of resentment.

I still cant bring myself to be in love with him. We've chatted frequently about why i've backed away from him numerous times most recently being Thursday. we've not slept together since march. I have no inclination in sex at all with him. He at this point told me Im the cause of his anxiety and I told him he sometimes causes mine to increase and I feel a lot more relaxed when hes not around me.

The thing is even though all of this Im so upset when I think of it just being my ds and me. It doesn't upset me the thought to live on my own if thats what happens, but the thought of doing things I always imagined wed do as a family as just me and ds upsets me - stuff like take him to Disney, or when hes a teenager will he even still want to know me? that side of things is preventing me making a decision either way.

But as I resent him so, so much I really dont know how to get over it and move on together. any ideas or should I just cut my losses. I do love him, as the 3 of us we have fun times, but once ds goes to bed I constantly find myself looking for ways to avoid dp.

It’s so incredibly sad op.
Would you try counselling?

Sorry OP but it really sounds like you are better off without him. And, to be quite frank, so is your ds. Your own child has vocalised his hatred of his own dad and that speaks volumes. You say you have 'fun times' yet earlier said he doesn't know how to be nice to him. To be a bit brutal, you are forcing your ds to have to deal with this and he may resent you when he is older. My ex wasn't great with our kids and often teased the younger one which he hated. This was one of the (many) reasons we split. I did not want my DC growing up thinking this was a happy and normal relationship because it wasn't.
You don't love him, he is selfish and doesn't make an effort with his own child. Why are you staying?

Yes I second that - it sounds like you would really benefit from marriage counselling. If he won't go, go alone. At least if you try that and still decide to split it will help you come to that decision. X

Wow thank you, I wasn't expecting to get any replies so quickly.

crappyday you said something there that hit home to me - yes we have fun days out, to be fair its mostly me laughing with DS or him laughing with ds, we rarely laugh together, but still he is a good dad at the end of the day - just needs a little prodding.

But he does tease him also - he knows ds gets wound up very easily, yet he will still tease him over things which exscalate so quickly sometimes to the point ds will storm off to his room. dp told me his 2 uncles did this to him as a child and he knows how frustrating it can be yet he still does it to ds.

I have put in for counselling but theres a wait where I live. He did see a counsellor in the first year of college - he ended up becoming friends with this man and the counselling side of things stopped - I have my own views on that weird relationship but he did promise to get some through his uni to which hes never done.

Im torn between leaving and starting over on my own - when ive tried to tell him how I feel we will sit and debate and whatever I say at him he throws back at me saying the same thing - well youve gone through the same things as me so why aren't you getting help.

but then the next day it goes back to normal. were nothing more than flatmates right now. passing ships in the night occasionally doing a family day out for the sake of my Ds's summer holidays so he has something nice to tell when he goes back to school. I feel for him more than anyone in this as a single child. part of my sadness is not being able to give him a sibling and I know if I walk away now that chance is gone forever. im 39 now and already had 2 years trouble conceiving so I know that ship has sailed. its just confirming it really by making a decision.

Hi OP, you;ve not convinced me he's a good dad I'm afraid. My ex was picked on by his older brother (who as our DC's uncle used to tease my kids too), so its a pattern of learned behaviour! Why you would want to wind your own children up is beyond my comprehension.
When you debate things, if he is throwing things back at you then this is a narcissistic trait. I'm quick to throw that word around because it seems more common than we realise. He's not prepared to accept his behaviours and is deflecting them back onto you. YOu will go round in circles and never resolve anything.
I'm so sorry you have had problems conceiving and the miscarriages must have been heart-wrenching. I'm not sure bringing another child into this situation is a good idea though, it would just create another complication.

Whenever I see myself doing stuff to my children that I didn't like when I was a child, I stop myself rather than excusing it.

He sounds like a really shit father and you'd all be better off without him. You and your DS sound like you have a lovely relationship so I wouldn't worry

I would 100 per cent recommend splitting.

I split with my ex husband for less (we grew apart, I fell out of love and the thought of him touching me was unconscionable), and even he says he is a better dad because of it.

Son was 4, he's now 18. We've had fab times, and so has his dad and his new family. All you need is a new picture in your head - a picture of the joy of the two of you together - and believe me, the joy is all the greater for not having someone you don't love lurking.

If you leave it - well, you'll start arguing, as we did, and your child will start to be distressed - whether you realise it or not.

You can still coparent, you can still be friendly. We supported son in choosing a uni together, and I'm sure we'll pack him off together.

Ending a marriage does not necessarily mean a relationship has failed. It's the marriage relationship that has failed, and facing that sooner rather than later can mean a parenting relationship can still succeed.

Ooops, hasten to add that my ex-H's new family includes our son! x

Thank you - youre right - I do need a new picture in my head. thats what im struggling with most. My own parents split and I always said my kids would never go through that, but here I am either choosing my own sanity and happiness or putting my son first.

I feel like i've failed my son for putting myself first. as much as he says he hates his dad its always said out of anger and for 99% of the time they get on perfectly fine.

but I guess the intimacy from our relationship has gone and I don't have the inclination to get it back. I feel more relaxed without the worry of him wanting sex from me hanging over my head - that used to give me an awful feeling.

I just need to make that break. plan somewhere to go to and get on with it. I work self employed at the moment since March - Its going very well but I dont have enough bank statements most rental places have asked for so I guess my first port of call is to look for a job?

Never thought id be here looking to leave my life as I know it and turn my sons world upside down.