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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Guiding my children through the other parents negative behaviour

3 replies

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 24/08/2019 10:31

Trying to keep this short and to the point. I have a truly terrible relationship with my ex husband. He is a bully and has form for domestic abuse. I do not say anything negative about their father.
The children often come home puzzled by his behaviour and about the negative things he says about people, he also often cried. He tells the kids far too much, he uses these situations to try and discredit me and other people he doesn't like. His has form for having no boundaries. Regardless I have a few standard lines I use, eg "well that's up to daddy, we just need to be kind to people" but it leaves my children confused. They know his behaviour isn't right and I kind of feel its my responsibility to guide them appropriately. Is it in my kids best interest to remain nutruel or do I some how appropriately let them know what he's saying isn't true or that some of behaviour isn't right.
I'm not interested in making him out to be a bad person, but I have a responsibility to guide my children and teach them about good and bad behaviour etc etc.

OP posts:
JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 24/08/2019 11:32

Hello anyone

OP posts:
Originallymeonly · 24/08/2019 13:05

I spend a lot of time saying "in our family we do x, other families choose to do y. And" Daddy is a grown up, he can choose his own behaviour, but I don't expect you to be copying it here, thanks very much "
My eldest will now say" my dad's a bit rubbish at this isn't he" but the youngest is still blind to the issues. Luckily I have them the majority of the time so his influence is minimal.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 24/08/2019 13:36

Thank you for your response.
Yes I have them the majority of the time, which is excellent.
Can I ask do you correct them when they are told something not true? I'm trying to be a bit vague here so bear with me. But as an example, "daddy was crying because he said you had done this or that". I've so far been saying, no that was the judges disision not mine. (which is correct) as there is a court order for contact and residency. But the crutch of it is that their father lies about things to aid his own agenda. I don't want to be saying anything they will repeat back to him that confuses them more, as it will become a game that their in the middle of. But I also don't think it's right to act as if it's correct.
He has done so really crazy ass stuff, the kids have been unaware of cos I've protected them from it. But their father tells them inappropriate things, eg your mummy called the police on me!! They were so upset and totally didn't need to know that had happened.
It'd hard as one of the children already doesn't want to go, I'm sure they don't feel safe with him.
I think it's more emotionally beneficial for the kids to know he's not a positive roll model and that he isn't a person to follow. Than for them to think his behaviour is normal and for them to behave like that.

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