Abusive but can't move on

[beebee545]

Hi all

I am wondering if anyone can give me some advice. After an abusive relationship, I am struggling to move on. I was in a relationship with a much older man. After two years, I decided to end it. We had some big arguments (the neighbours called police 5 times). He punched my arms and kicked me many times. This was as well as calling me ugly and saying i'm not good enough as a girlfriend.

Despite this, I feel in love with this man. The first time I've ever been in love. He supported me in a lot of ways and we got on and had such amazing times too. I've had a few relationships but I've never 'connected' with anyone before.

I know it's the right thing to leave but I can't stop crying and it makes me so upset knowing he'll move on and I won't

I'm trying dating sites now but I still miss him and love him. I feel like no one compares to him, I'm just not interested in anyone else and I cant be bothered with dating.... We had such fantastic times too and I feel like I won't get that happiness with anyone again.

I feel so lost and looking for advice on how to feel complete again.

Beebee

I'm so sorry you've been through this, but please, to start with, pat yourself on the back for finishing with this vile man.

Next step, book yourself onto the Freedom Programme. Or pay the £10ish for the online course. It's invaluable.

Going forward, instead of worrying about him moving on, pity the next woman he does this to. He WILL move on much quicker because he never really cared about you. As harsh as that may seem it's true. Would you ever kick someone you loved? Didn't think so!

Book some counselling for yourself to help you understand your need to 'move on'. You are a strong independent woman, you don't need a man.

And finally, keep posting here. There are a lot of wiser and more eloquent people on this site who will offer you better advice than I have. But regardless, we are all here for you.

@RoseOfSharyn

Thank you so much for your reply. Your kind words really help and you are so right in everything you say. That is just what I needed x

You need to write down WHY you left him. A million and 20 reasons Why your better then him I can list 10 and I don't know you!! and make a note of the new "fling" will be getting treated like and remind yourself that ISNT what you want for the rest of your life!! You so strong and brave. Keep it up and remember your always better and deserve better.
That wasn't true love it was probably just and you'll soon find that true love one day and think wtf was I thinking back then and probably slap yourself lol !!
You'll get their just go be with your friends and make the most of life. Try to enjoy it and be happy. Happiness is the worst revenge please remember that. Xx

Read up on Stockholm syndrome.

Accept the fact that you loved him. It's ok. You wouldn't have been with him otherwise.

But as someone else said, also look at what he did to you. Kicking and pushing is physically abusive and it's why you have to leave.

But balance your love against his behaviour. Do you respect it?

Dint try dating yet either. Take some time out to process what you've just been through xxx

Been there and done that, minus the physical violence.

You will come to realise that it isn't love.. eventually... it is trauma bonding. Look up Inner Integration, Lisa A Romano and Ross Rosenberg on YouTube for information about abusive relationships and how to extract yourself from one.

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/how-do-i-get-out-of-covert-abuse

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/8-burning-question-when-you-realize-you-are-being-covertly-abused

I could tell you to leave now.. maybe you will, maybe you won't. You probably won't, if you are anything like me or like most people who have been through this. He has you blaming yourself, feeling not good enough, feeling you can't leave him because of your special connection and you will NEVER meet anyone like him again. That was me... I went back and forth, back and forth... in an LDR no less.... for 10 years. Don't be like me.

His words are poison. His actions show you who he REALLY is: The sooner you leave and cut ALL contact, the better. We have your back on Mumsnet. XXX

Thanks so much for all your lovely replies. I've read them several times letting it all sink in and it's already really helping me. Thank you xxx

Someone who truly loves you will never punch or kick you.

Until you understand that, you are not ready for another relationship.