Do you have an Anxious attachment style and...

[AnnieFoxglove]

...have you managed to ‘manage’ it and have a normal, fulfilling relationship?

I realise that I have an Anxious attachment style and I am usually attracted to Avoidant men, the most toxic and unfulfilling combination.

Have you had the same thing? I’m looking for advice how to get through this and some stories to give me hope please.

Thank you.

How many more of these threads?

I have fearful avoidant attachment issues. I have been in a relationship with my husband twice and the first time it ended really badly. It took a lot for me to be in a relationship in the first place and he was never available, in more ways than one. I took it very badly when he ended it.

Second time around, he treated me differently, and I feel happy and secure. I do have an occasional setback.

I really struggle with friendships though and I can’t manage anything beyond occasional meet ups.

This is me too. I really struggle with it. Am single. I usually have one disastrous short relationship after another.
My sympathies OP, it's not easy.

Where did you learn about this OP? You sound like me.

I had learned about attachment theory in the past but only as it applies to babies and young children. I think I stumbled upon it on the web while trying to understand why I’m the way that I am. It actually makes a lot of sense to me.

My concern is that, now I have identified the problem, how do I move forward. What’s my plan?

1. Try to stop myself from being attracted to Avoidant men? Is it even possible to change who we’re attracted to?
2. Continue to be attracted to Avoidant types but work on changing myself to be more Secure because a Secure-Avoidant relationship has a much better chance of working than an Anxious-Avoidant one.

So if its 1., how do I do that practically?

If it’s 2., how do I become more Secure?

I think matters are complicated by the fact that, although I’m predominantly Anxious, I can be Avoidant in certain situations too. Either way I’m not Secure!

I have.

I read this article once and all of a sudden all my relationships made sense

psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/

For me the key is to trust slow-burn relationships and to keep seeing someone if I know we click as friends rather than dismiss the lack of ‘spark’. I think I realised that for me spark always means dysfunction of some sort.

Current guy old me would have dismissed after one date (no spark) but it has grown into something less exciting but so much nicer and more real. I feel safe to be vulnerable. While the relationship itself is less exciting than others I’ve had it’s also less mentally consuming so other aspects of my life are so much better too

Hi Annie,

It's entirely possible to somewhat 'change' who you are attracted to but it's more about figuring out the warning signs before you become attached to the wrong person. Not saying the avoidant people are the wrong people completely they are just not well suited to someone who has an anxious attachment.

If you're seeing red flags and seeing all the warnings I know it's difficult but you must just cut it off before it goes on for longer and eventually it gets destructive and more long term which is what we are trying to not do. I also have an anxious attached and currently studying psychology at university in London I spent my whole first year writing endlessly about attachment theory.

Our red flag indicator as a anxiously attached person can be quite off sometimes as I'm sure you've read yourself that once you meet someone who's nice to you and very genuine you start falling very quickly but then little things start happening at first very slow it could just be that person doesn't say or do what they used to do now I'm insecure. Then you question yourself is there something I should have done ? and then you're 3 years down the line into an abusive cycle. My point is when you start to see warning signs take them as just that. It's a warning and it must be taken seriously as it will only get worse.

And for the people who take on relationships with people who are avoidant and you're very much in love with them and you want to keep trying and you think they will change after the thousands of endless repetitive arguments just know the waters may clear for a little while but the storm will always come. Now imagine you say enough is enough no more chances and you move on. Move on to someone new perhaps ? Can you imagine a secure relationship where you don't need to worry as much there isn't as many repetitive arguments no more accusations just someone who loves and trusts you. This is what you can have when you give up trying to make things work with someone avoidant.
Noone should be trying that hard. relationships are meant to be somewhat smooth sailing I know it's hard to believe but it's true. Never settle for less there will be someone for you one day but for now focus on yourself and treat your self to nice things because you deserve it. Practice self love and care it makes a huge difference in all your relationships when you start to value yourself. Try and help yourself by working on being a better self it's easy enough to say I have an anxious attachment and therefore I am just that. You are more than a theory you can work hard and get secure.

Good luck,

Abigail

Following

1. No it’s not possible to stop being attracted to Avoidant men. But it is possible to control your actions (ie. don’t date them because you know it/they are bad for you).

1. Is the best option, through therapy.

These anxious/avoidant/secure, etc. attachment styles are just labels for types of ingrained, subconscious behaviours and reactions. Unless you have a real mental health condition (personality disorder), you can undo and re-learn an attachment style once you have identified it.

I posted on a previous thread but I’m similar and I think the main point is to be self aware.

For me, my DP is/was avoidant and I’m anxious. I worked very hard to manage my thoughts and behaviours in the early days as I could take an objective view that I was being irrational. Over time, we have been able to acknowledge our differences and communicate on how best to tackle them to help me feel secure. That has been key and we are in a very happy relationship which is the healthiest I’ve experienced.

I think you need to stop with the labels and if the person you are with is 'avoidant' then end the damned thing, perhaps this is why your are 'anxious'
Raise your standards and stop accepting shit behaviour from men

Am with @Pesimistic I do wonder whether less self examination and tolerating of crap would help your self worth.

I think a bit of both? Some self awareness and definite understanding of boundaries around what is actually just shit behaviour.

But the reality is that someone might be going about their day, maybe hasn't said what they usually do - no big deal to them but huge to the anxious person. So it's not always about overt shitty behaviour.

Check out The Holistic Psychologist- she does some great stuff on this

If there is any rigour to the model you are discussing (though haven't looked recently but remember it looked like unrigorous explanatory assertion) then

Your plan 2 of seeking to be attracted to avoidant men seems a recipe for heartache,

Regarding than the two approaches you set out, you might get more change from ruthlessly screening out apparently avoidant men and when a potential partner displays the behaviour that indicates you won't be a good match, end the relationship immediately. Focus on the men who you think might be 'secure' then end those relationships if there is no 'spark'. Don't seek, welcome or mistake any excitement of an anxious/avoidant match for a 'spark'.

Remember it shouldn't be hard work so that is another signal you should move one.

Good luck.

Who’s dragged this out of the zombie vault ????

Those are not your only options. Only a person with an anxious attachment style would approach a problem with a 'How do I need to change myself' approach.

Here is your answer: There is nothing wrong with you. Keep dating, and as soon as a relationship starts to make you feel unhappy, you leave, rather than trying to change yourself. That's it.

@Byerolls !

Shit man, I feel so cheap.

Although I was in Classics the other day reading the thread where the OP responded to her own zombie thread 2 years after posting.