When do I tell him?

[slingsarrows]

I have decided I need to separate from my husband. It's been a long time coming. I'll summarise some key things.

He's financially inept and about 2 years ago, I discovered he was worse than that. He'd run up large debts behind my back that I only discovered by chance. He'd been gaslighting me and lying to me for about 2 years prior to my discovery to cover his tracks. (The debts were purely from managing money poorly - no gambling, etc). During the same time period he'd also become financially controlling/borderline abusive. When the debts came out he confessed that he'd resented not being able to spend money he'd earned on himself but didn't want to seem like a git so had denied that when I'd asked!

There are other things - poor sex life, unsupportive when I've needed him emotionally or mentally, lots of lying. But the big catalyst was the money stuff. He does have good qualities too! But this post isn't about those.

2 years ago I said we needed marriage counselling and he needed to take some responsibilities for his debts, if we were to have any chance of making it. I asked him to arrange the marriage counselling to show he was serious about fixing things. We have had two separate introductory sessions and that's it. He arranged those after lots of rows and then doesn't follow up properly. He did have some individual counselling (which I don't think was useful, sadly). He's done nothing about the debts and is worse than unhelpful when I try to.

I've had enough. I realise I resent him so much I've started to really dislike him and everything he does annoys me. I've now lined up some relationship counselling. I'll have a couple of sessions on my own and then see if I think we should do some together. But really I want to separate- at this point I think it will be permanent.

When do I tell him? We have family and friends visiting in the next week for a DC birthday. I had been thinking that I should wait until after that? Should I? Or is it better to tell him before? I'd want the visits and party to go ahead as planned. My dilemma is whether it will be me just putting on a smiling front or both of us? Will it be worse for him to know that I've been biding my time to tell him?

Also schools go back soon, is it wrong to suggest a separate lives in the same house for a short while, to let the children settle back at school (and for us to agree and sort out other living arrangements)? My concern is that 2 years ago I tried this - just as a temporary separation while I got my head round thingsI tried this - and he didn't truly respect my boundaries so it only lasted 2 weeks. I'd be firmer this time- I just want to do right by our children.

Any insights from others' experiences would be great.

I don't have the exact experiences but I wanted some time apart from my husband at a time our DC's were going away. So they would be unaware. I knew if I told him he would respond badly and would be short with the children, generally sulky (probably with good reason under the circumstances) and unpleasant to live with. So I did bide my time and tell him as soon as the children went. It felt wrong to hide it from him and like a time bomb in my head, I became desperate to tell him as it felt unfair.

I did the right thing though. I was in a different headspace as it was what I wanted. And I'd had chance to get used to the idea.

I think if you are determined, for whatever personal reasons, for the event to go ahead, he may struggle to act normal and it might be too much to ask. So I'd wait until after. As for the rest, my DH is generally a reasonable man, I suggested if we split we lived together for a while - seemed perfectly reasonable to me. Again, because I was in a different place. It was an absolute no go to him. It's very easy to think, because you know them so well, how things could pan out, but unless he too is coming from a place in which he thinks parting is for the best prepare yourself for any potential eventuality I would say.

Thanks. That's really helpful.

He will be upset and won't want others to know straight away (neither will I) so waiting probably is best. I'd love to wait a bit longer - a few weeks, so the kids are settled at school. But I waited through our summer holiday. I may wait for mother week now. And each day/week I wait, my decision just becomes firmer and I find it harder to be nice! That's not healthy for any of us.

If he wants to leave straight away, I hope he'll be reasonable about how to make it easy for the kids. When we nearly separated before, he didn't want to leave immediately but did say (and has since) that he'd never be able to share a house for long. Neither would I - I'd just rather he stayed until he found a place than we had to find money for hotels. We have no one he could stay with locally. I don't anticipate any problem with him agreeing it should be him who leaves. (I'm the primary parent, for want of a better term).

Your reply has reminded me that I will need to be careful to remember that I've had time to think about all this - the emotional side, the financial side, the children. He won't have.

It's just so sad.