Always having to do the asking- how do I turn it around?

[mummyrocks1]

I am definitely one of those 'mur' friends. With most of my friends and especially with new friends, other school mums, I am always the one organising meet ups and nights out. I think they do like me as they are up for nights out and do come on these nights out/ play dates/coffees whatever but it is always me who does the asking. They even mention doing stuff together when in the group but it never actually gets arranged unless I do it.

I hear about other groups going out together and they seem to take it in turns to suggest nights out and arrange things. Dinner parties are taken in turns. So they see each other regularly.

But in our group it's always me suggesting things, otherwise we wouldn't meet up without dcs. I had them round for a bbq type thing ages ago and none of them have reciprocated. I met one for lunch 1-1 but she's not asked me to lunch since. But I don't think it's like they are meeting up without me either though- I think!

I know that individuals in my group have other groups elsewhere, other school mums, uni friends, neighbours, NCT friends etc and they organise weekends away, spa days, nights out within that group but not within our group. A couple of them went out for dinner together the other day and didn't invite me, I am not too upset as it's not like they all went out without me and it wasn't kept as a secret or anything, one of them openly and casually told me about their night out and it was a last minute thing.

But I think I am just not that person people think about inviting, it's been like that for as long as I can remember.

I know I am not being paranoid as my sister is also friends with a couple of mums in my group and others I am also individually friends with, but she is super popular. She is always invited to things, straight away formed several groups and they take turns arranging drinks out. Some of these friends are in my group too but never take the initiative to organise/ suggest social activities in our group but do in her group. It confuses me. I fact I find the whole friendship thing confusing!

I don't understand why this is the case? What can I do to turn this around?

Have you perhaps just become that person and they rely upon you to do it? So everyone else takes a back seat, maybe even don't want to tread on your toes or alter the dynamic and perhaps think you enjoy it.

I am a non organiser - I'm one of those who probably irritate the living daylights out of you, talk about doing stuff then never suggest dates etc. I'm like it with everyone. I genuinely don't mean to be and the number of times I've thought "oh this week I will text X person to arrange a date!" then they beat me to it and I feel like I'm making it up when I say so.

I think you have a few options
Leave it longer and longer in the hope someone picks up the mantle.
Accept this is your position (and I promise, people like me are soooooo grateful for people like you) and embrace it
Maybe next time you meet up try and address it - you could do so gently - a good ethos that a group of friends and I have is that we won't leave the meet up until we've arranged a date for the next one. Then if something needs booking etc you can say "Karen - would you be able to book?" and start sharing the load?

Thanks needsome.

Yes I think I probably have fallen into this role. When I gently mentioned it to one friend she said she thought I enjoyed it and another (who I ve only met with the dcs so far) and isn't in group said someone has to be the organiser but they haven't then stepped up to be the organiser. She's in another group where they take it in turns to organise which I am not really involved in. But as I said it's not like they are all meeting up without me.

I have left it with the group and so haven't met up for some time. I am fed up with always organising, it makes me feel like they don't really like me otherwise they would suggest it too.

These are newer friendships and school mums but after 2 years I feel like I am still feeling my way with them and I guess we are all sussing out who we get on with best. I feel like I am always the one they don't feel so much of a connection with. I don't feel like I can always push it and always do the asking.

I want to get out of this role but I guess there's something about me that makes people not bothered. I remember it was like this at school and uni too.

I don't think they are non-organisers as they definitely suggest meet ups in other groups or with other individuals.

Some people will never be the organiser. I don't organise anything but I'll go along to things. The reason is I don't want extra social obligations.

Afterschool- yes I can accept that about some people but I do feel many of these people aren't non-organisers, they have many friends and are involved in many groups and do organise things with other people or in other groups just not in our group or with me. They are happy to meet up with me or in the group if I suggest/organise so don't dislike me but aren't bothered by making sure I am included or they see me.

I have attended many dinner dates, BBQ's and drinks at people's houses but have never returned the favour. I feel my house isn't as nice as theirs, my food would be rubbish and they would be annoyed at getting a babysitter for that. It does eat away inside me but I feel I can't step over that line now after so long. 😕 Playing host is something I would find too difficult. I am another unorganiser. 😔

Are you and your sister alike?

What do you think she does differently?

It could be that people already have established friendship groups and don't have the time or energy to maintain another group. It could also be a case of social laziness. Do you need to have a group? Maybe it would be best to cultivate some one-on-one friendships. I understand why you are annoyed. You are so busy and need people to pull their weight. Maybe you haven't met the right people yet. In your shoes, I would have done the same thing and pulled back as this group isn't working for you and you are not getting what you need from it. Maybe the other option is to gain entry to these groups where the work is shared.

Aw I'm sorry you feel others perhaps aren't as bothered about you, I am sure it isn't the case - reading what you write i am imagining it like overlapping circles, and that perhaps some people are in several of those overlapping circles and you are solidly in one. So don't get invited along to the other things, but not out of malice as you say. Could you enlist your sisters help if she knows some of the same people? It may be as simple as being in a whatsapp group that is more active.

Our group of school mums get on famously. We would have a brilliant time if we met up socially but we never ever do. None of us organise anything. I'm quite sure they would meet if I set up a WhatsApp group and threw some dates out there but I'm never going to do that, nor are they it appears, I guess the thing is that it doesn't bother any of us. I meet some of them alone very sporadically, and my closest school mum friend is someone who's daughter left the school three years ago. I wouldn't mind if they did all meet up and I wasnt invited.

Can I ask, why it bothers you? I don't mean that cinfrontationally and sorry if it reads that way. Just wondering if it's insecurity driving it, but you have other friends you meet with beyond the school mums (I do, hence not bothered as time is limited anyway) or if it is because you are lonely and seeking to build some friendships? Nothing wrong with either and both understandable but maybe advice on how to proceed could be better knowing the drive behind your concern.

Needsomebottle- yes a lot of what you say rings true. Yes, I think others do have lots of overlapping circles which all seem to meet up with and without dcs. Yes, some are much older friends with established relationships but also some of them are newer relationships with other school mums like mine are

Whereas I probably do have one group and then individual friends here and there who I only see with dcs. I recognise that I am not great in a group of friends so do tend to have 1-1 friendships but even invites for these haven't happened and weren't reciprocated without dcs.

I think my motivation is that I am trying to establish new friendships, I ve always struggled with friends and so don't have lots of long term friendships with school, uni and neighbours that others have. I feel on a deadline a bit now as my Ds moved into junior school and it will be more drop and go then so feel if friendships outside of dcs are established soon they won't be. I want to move from meeting up with dcs to meeting up without them, outside of school hours.

My sister and I are quite different yes, she's one of those people who people just like, are drawn to and want to be with. She's in many, many groups of friends. I watch her and can understand why, she's sociable, friendly, kind, thoughtful and good fun, she's not opinionated and very laid back so easy to get on with. She knows how to make people like her- I don't! I try to be more like her but I find it hard to be anything but myself. I can't put on a front, so I think I am quite take it or leave it. I do worry as we have the same friends they like her more. They probably do.

She's kindly invited me out with her group of friends next week for drinks for someone's birthday. I am friends with 2/3 of the group anyway on a 1-1 basis but not in the group. I feel nervous though as this is my opportunity to try and establish myself in this group but I feel like it will be a one off invite and I won't be included again. Whereas I know someone else would then be included and invited to future social things. But this never happens to me. I don't know how to be to make this happen? I guess try and her friendlier with the one person I don't know as well.

I know I over analyse but I find the whole thing so confusing and don't seem to get the social signs others do. My sister is very laid back about friendships and doesn't think about it which is probably another reason it works for her.