Grandparents being a little too honest

[watsmyname]

My parents live a significant distance away from me and so visits are usually once or twice a month (sometimes less if I'm busy at work). My dh has his own family business that is unbelievably long hours (been doing it since he left school). We have two children (ds 3 and dd1).

Today when I went to visit they brought up in conversation that they felt my ds was nasty at times, that I didn't do enough when he was nasty and that I can only do so much as I don't have any support from my dh. I was gutted. My dm just said that as a parent the hardest thing was to hear criticism of my children.

I don't think it's fair for a number of reasons. They only see my son for a short period of time and so don't see him all the time. I'm not oblivious to his faults. He can whine, lash out at his sister if she annoys him or generally be uncooperative but he has lots of positives and I get told he's lovely when he's at nursery. I don't think this sounds awful for a three year old.

I also feel my parents have little patience for the young children for many reasons. They haven't had an easy life and are full time carers for a relative who is brain damaged. Their health wouldn't be great either.

Lastly I had a good enough childhood but I was disciplined by shouting and smacking. I have chosen not to do it this way and so I think they just want me to do it the right way.

What would you do? Sorry for the long post.

I think that’s quite a thing to say about a 3 year old. Try to think objectively if there is any truth in it or whether any behaviour that does need managing as if they are genuinely nice people hopefully they are saying it with kindness in mind. However all 3 year olds can be difficult at times especially with siblings and he will likely grow out of it. You know him far better so if you aren’t concerned I wouldn’t worry too much!

Ignore.

They just want me to do it the right way

What - by shouting at him and smacking, like they did to you?

3 year olds aren’t nasty. He’s young and still figuring out right and wrong. I thought you were referring to a much older child.
I’d explain his age and stage of development and firmly say that you’re happy parenting the way you are.

I had EXACTLY the same thing, at exactly the same ages. My parents also rarely saw the children due to distance. I went ballistic at them. They are still particularly hard on my eldest, but now that my youngest is 3, completely overlook any similar behaviour as age related.

My advice is to ignore, ignore, ignore but also to be mindful as to how the relationship develops.

I think in our case it’s a matter of 1) the eldest having to ‘pave the way’ as to age related expectations and 2) sadly, my eldest is a boy, youngest is a girl and you can definitely see that if he hits, it’s deemed as aggressive but if she does it’s funny.

Sadly, even at this young age, my eldest has absolutely noticed the difference and refuses to spend any time alone with my parents. I refuse to force him as he’s my child who I will protect.

I also refused to be told how to parent by people whose only means of discipline was smacking and shouting/demeaning.

Good luck. It’s very hard.

I think it's OK for grandparents to find very small children hard going and hard work.

It's also OK for them to look back with rose coloured glasses and think their own children never did whatever it is the GCs are doing (when they almost certainly did).

It's not ok to be sitting there thinking 'a clip round the ear would solve that' but I suppose as long as it stays in their heads there's not much you can do about that.

Smile and nod, OP - in other words, ignore them.

I'm going through this at the moment with my mum. I know my daughter can be hard work and I sometimes struggle with her tantrums too but instead of offering me support all she does is criticise. It's made me take a massive step back from having my children around her. Meant to go shopping today but I cancelled. I'm just going to keep my distant for a while I think. Don't need the extra stress lol.