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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hate it when my children are with ex

22 replies

sadonfriday · 23/08/2019 17:13

I don't really think I'm asking a question here. Maybe just unloading. My kids have been away with their dad and are back Monday and I miss them so much. They reside with me, and obviously have contact. Things are cordial and we communicate well, but it's so strange. When they are away with him I get so angry at him for imploding our family life and I go back to a place of blaming him for ruining things. I've got the time filled but it just makes me so anxious, it's probably not healthy they are such a lynchpin of my life maybe, but they are my world. I feel sad.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 23/08/2019 18:46

For your children’s sake you need to accept where you are, bitterness has such a negative effect.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 18:48

Have you ever considered that he might be sad when you have the kids?

They are not just your kids and you cannot let them know you feel like this. It wont do them any favours.

Original poster
sadonfriday · 23/08/2019 19:22

I never would let them know how I feel. I just felt a bit sad and didn't really have anyone to tell.

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 23/08/2019 19:25

I got a puppy back when me and dh split!! Had lots of time to concentrate on training etc! Also used the time for plenty of R&R so was fully able to deal with dc when they came back! Saying your dc are your world is unhealthy imo...

Ididit2019 · 23/08/2019 22:11

I disagree and don't feel it's unhealthy that your children are your world. I think it's natural to feel that way and know many people who have said the same. It is important however, that you do make a life for yourself for when your children are visiting their father. Meet up with friends, go for walks, watch a series, date if you are up for it, volunteer etc. Find something that you are interested in and slowly slowly you will adjust and it will become easier.

Pasteldenata · 23/08/2019 22:32

Puppy here as well 🐶 impossible to be lonely with him following me around. It is the change that is hard I think, from busy to silent and suddenly with so much time to think. I think it is normal for it to be strange, of course you them, that is allowed Flowers

Pasteldenata · 23/08/2019 22:33

*miss them

PumpkinP · 23/08/2019 23:11

I know it’s not gonna help but try to look at the positives. My ex never has my kids. He has seen them three in 2 years, I would love a break! At least you get a break and they have a relationship with their dad.

AMAM8916 · 23/08/2019 23:25

Your children being your world is not unhealthy and if more people had that attitude, we wouldn't have so many neglected kids who's parents put other things above their children. Your children should always come first, especially when they are still children. It's normal to miss them. Maybe that's what you need to hear? That your feelings are normal and the anger you have at your ex for causing you to lose precious time with your children is also normal too.

You'll be ok and they will be ok. It's not like they know or will ever know how you feel. Vent when you need to and people will listen. As time goes on, you'll get used to it and feel better

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2019 23:28

How long has it been? Do they have a nice time when they’re with him?

It’s normal to be sad and of course you miss them but focusing on such intense negativity is hurting you most of all Flowers

Livelovebehappy · 23/08/2019 23:35

I get where you’re coming from. Not so much that you don’t want the DCs to be with him, but more of you feel sad that you can’t all be on holiday together like a proper family unit, and you miss the life you feel you should have. It brings it more to the fore at times like summer holidays and Xmas.

SemperIdem · 23/08/2019 23:42

I understand what you mean - I don’t feel angry per se because it was me who ended our marriage but when my daughter is with her dad I miss her terribly and find myself occasionally wishing things could have worked out differently. They couldn’t have done for many reasons.

It doesn’t stop me feeling sad at the lost time. Our daughter is in an altogether happier environment than she would have been if we were still together. But I miss her when she is away from me, as I am sure her dad does when she is away from him.

How long have you been separated? My ex and I have always sent each other regular text updates and photo’s right from when we first separated but in recent months have begun socialising with our partners and our daughter. I wouldn’t say it’s a first choice for the adults involved but she loves it and it isn’t unpleasant. Would that be an option for you with your ex? For me and her dad it means more contact time

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 24/08/2019 00:00

Op I could have written your post a while back. I think there are a couple of unsympathetic posts on here. I used to feel exactly like you. How long has it been? It sounds like things are still raw for you. I hate to say it but time is one of the biggest things that will help those strong (and totally understandable) feelings dissipate. Though it sounds like me that your sadness and anger at your ex won't achieve anything .. it is an outlet.

Hopefully In time you'll learn to live with it. In the mean time, what helped me start to enjoy the time is to try and do things that a lot of people who have their DC full time can't do. I'd go to the cinema, go for lunch somewhere nice, see a photography exhibition, stay at a friend's overnight.. or just relax at home, read a book! (you might have completely different things that you might like to do)!. For me it was stuff that i might not have been able to do before.

In time, if you enjoy the things then I promise you will start placing a higher value on this time and see that it's not all bad (dare I say it look forward to it as I now do) .

Yes it's shit that life has dealt you these cards but it's happened. When you start relaxing into this time and spend less time and energy feeling angry at what you have lost, you could well find yourself looking forward to the break. I feel like this time has allowed me to reclaim me again! Also as one other person said, sometimes a break is good to enable you to feel refreshed when they return.

As long as they are happy, well cared for and in good hands with your ex then that's great. You can take your foot off the pedal and relinquish control. Good luck x

Windydaysuponus · 24/08/2019 09:08

Saying they are your world surely implies you are only happy with them around? Too much on your dc there imo... Your happiness isn't their responsibility....

PennyPittstop · 24/08/2019 11:01

Try to look at the time when you don't have your DC as you time. Time for you to do things for yourself which are difficult with your DC around. Go out. Meet people. Have a pamper session. Start some hobbies. Get a pet that requires time and attention. You might even go a few dates. You need quality time without your DC to give you balance in life. One day your DC will fly the nest to do their own things. You don't want to suddenly find that life has passed you by because you have nothing apart from your DC when your nest is empty. That's not saying that your DC mean any less to you, just that you are a person too and entitled to having your own life and pleasures that don't involve your DC because one day they will move on to the next stage of their lives and you don't want to be left without a life of your own.

PlaceYourItemInTheBaggingArea · 24/08/2019 11:13

Bless you op. I grew up in a single parent household and my dad used to take me away for a week every year to visit family in another country. I missed my mum as we were very close but also had a whale of a time. It did my dad and I good spending that time together as we were not close at all, and when he was dying I was thankful for it.

Just thought I'd give you the child point of view. I completely get where you are coming from though, I'd be climbing the walls without mine driving me mad. It will soon be Monday.

Can you do something today and tomorrow that is completely out of character for you? Jump on a train and book in somewhere for the night? Sign up to do something?

AgentJohnson · 24/08/2019 11:29

Your children being your world is not unhealthy and if more people had that attitude, we wouldn't have so many neglected kids who's parents put other things above their children. Your children should always come first, especially when they are still children.

There’s a big difference between prioritising your kids and having little to no life without them. I am a single parent with no support and DD has been my shadow for the last 12 years andI have paid a loss of identity price for it. Your children can be the most significant part of your life (they are dependent on us for so much) without being the only thing in it. There’s a balance.

It’s only now that I have more freedom that I’m open to possibles that simply were not possible when she was younger.

forkfun · 24/08/2019 11:35

I feel for you. It must be so hard. I would try and focus on the fact that you are facilitating that your kids have a healthy relationship with their father. That is SO important! Instead of feeling sad, can you try and feel happy for them? Then use the time you have for you. Do something you love, that's adult and hard to do with kids. Work out, go to the cinema, visit a gallery, read the paper in a cafe, go for a walk, whatever floats your boat. Good luck and hang in there.

RLEOM · 24/08/2019 18:25

For God's sake, can people stop commenting on OP saying that her children are her world? It's just a saying. She said she misses them but she has her time filled while they're away.

When they are away with him I get so angry at him for imploding our family life and I go back to a place of blaming him for ruining things. I think it's these feelings OP needs help with.

RLEOM · 24/08/2019 18:27

OP, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who feel the same. I know I do! My ex wrecked it all in many awful ways yet came out squeaky clean and I came out as the devil himself!

How long have you been separated?

Lovemenorca · 24/08/2019 18:34

I felt like you initially

Theee years down the line - k absolutely relish my time to myself

I get out home spic and span; get all laundry out the way; all my odd jobs, batch cooking; mooch around the shops; go for a run and then yoga; meet friends for coffee / brunch; garden etc

It’s brilliant for mental health and I swear makes me a better mother as a result

Original poster
sadonfriday · 25/08/2019 09:53

I wasn’t going to come back after ready the first two responses, because as some astute posters realised, I just wanted a ‘I know mate, it’s rubbish’. So for those that offered a bit of a handhold, thank you. To those that picked on my use of the word ‘world’, I make no apologies. I didn’t have them to ignore them.
As it happened, I ended up floored with the worst migraine of my life anyway🙈

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