Is it possible?

[Holymoly0]

Is it possible for a marriage to work when the two people want a different sort of life? My H and I have been going through a rough patch since January. We are on the verge of separating but part of me thinks do marriages work when two people are so different.
The thing is we fell for each other when we were teenagers, 14/15 years old, then went on to move in together get married have children. But over the years I’ve slowly realised he doesn’t want to do the same things as me. He’s quite happy sat at home watching tv where as I want to go out and can’t stand being couped up. Even when the kids are out for a sleepover at his mums I suggest something and he gives a reason why we shouldn’t. He says he doesn’t like being surrounded by people it makes him uncomfortable and he can manage it for a short while but then starts to get crabby. So we don’t have date nights or anything like that and that bothers me.
He hates going on holiday. Says they’re overrated and quite happy not to bother where as I like to and love the idea of taking the kids away somewhere.
Suppose what I’m really asking is do we have a future?

Not unless he drastically changes.
Why would you want a partner like this?
He doesn't want to do anything.
He literally wants to stay home all the time.
Fuck that.
You deserve a life outside of your house.
You deserve holidays and happiness.
Does he have any good points?
And for the love of god, do not say, he's a good dad!!!!
Something that is good for you!?

He’s not particularly a good dad, he admits that himself, the baby stage was hard for him so it was all down to me. Our 6yo loves football (because his dad does) yet he refuses to take him to his football training cos it gets on his nerves and winds him up?! He’ll never dream of doing anything on his own with them if I’m out or away they just get given their tablet to play on and that’s that.
Good qualities I suppose he makes me laugh we have a similar sense of humour. I’m struggling to think of anything else tbh I just come up with bad stuff.

So why are you together at all now?. For the kids sake?. What are you getting out of this relationship?. Its August now and this has been going on since January ( and likely before too) so make the break from each other; all he is doing is dragging you and your kids down with him into his pit.

You met when you were teenagers and you likely know nothing else. It appears you have outgrown him not altogether surprisingly because people change. Why is your relationship bar so low here that it can be limboed under?. Would you want your kids as adults to have a relationship like this, I daresay you would not. Its not good enough for you either is it?.

And your list of his good qualities is extremely short, not just to say poor. A comedian on tv could make you laugh too.

He doesn't sound like a bad or nasty man (although a crap parent by nature) but you are so radically different from each other that this simply can't work.

If he was a decent father then I'd say maybe agree to live separate social lives - you go out with mates while he stays at home. When kids are on sleepovers, have date nights at home. That sort of thing.

But he's not a good dad. How do you think your DS feels that his own dad can't be bothered to come and watch him play a sport that he knows his dad loves?

My dad was like this with me and my sister. He would only do things with us that HE wanted to do. He never attended a single school play, nativity, parents evening, choir performance. I was in the local am dram panto one year. 8 performances and he didn't attend one.

I remember talking to the other girls when we were at rehearsals and one asked me "which performance are your parents going to?" I said "My mum and grandma and little sister are coming to the Saturday matinee." She said "What about your dad?" I said "Oh he's not coming. He doesn't like panto." She gave me this pitying, almost disbelieving look and I didn't understand it at the time, because to me that was normal - to have a parent turn up to something just because they loved you, not because they liked the activity? That was an alien concept to me.

?Sorry that was all about me... What do you feel you want to do, OP?

We had a literally divorce or not moment about 3 months ago.

One wanted one thing, the other the opposite.

Took a few days of talking it through, thinking time and trust in each other.

In the end we stayed together and took the path that in the end we both agreed on.

I think our level of trust and understanding was key to it being a frank and honest conversation.

We look back at that moment as a reason we are together and a moment to remember for how we handled it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat you’re right, I think I’ve stayed because he’s all I’ve ever known and the alternative of leaving him seems scary. And all I can think is it will break the kids hearts cos even though he isn’t the best dad my eldest dotes on him the most.

@FuriousVexation I know what you mean, I’ve seen that look, I’ve seen the look in my sons eyes when he says he won’t take him. It’s heartbreaking.

@HappyParent what agreement did you come to then if you both wanted different things? How did u work through that?

You just described my life only my now ex walked out on me and our DS last week saying he hasn't loved me for a long time but never had the balls to say it. Hope you have a better outcome than I did

Not a bad man, but not a good one.
Not a bad father, but certainly not a good one.

You are wasting your time with him.
You will never have the life you want with him.
He's all about himself.

The best you can hope for is that when you live apart he will realise that if he doesn't facilitate a relationship with his children, they will grow up not needing him and he will lose out in the end.

Either way, it doesn't sound like any sort of life. He is utterly dictating the type of life you live.

Hi Holymoly

re your comment:-
"@AttilaTheMeerkat you’re right, I think I’ve stayed because he’s all I’ve ever known and the alternative of leaving him seems scary. And all I can think is it will break the kids hearts cos even though he isn’t the best dad my eldest dotes on him the most".

And what about your youngest?. You've already seen the hurt in your eldest son's eyes when his dad says he won't take him to football so I doubt very much that your eldest dotes on him (that is merely what you assume of him).

The alternative of you staying with him for your own reasons and sake (and it could be argued its for your own sake rather than theirs) is far more scary to my mind. Your H is a dictator and joy sucker of life and as your kids get older, they will further realise just how crap he actually is as a father.

Staying for the sake of the kids is never a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one, its a terribly heavy burden to place upon your children. They will also look at you and wonder why you are so weak and have put him before them. So your own relationship with them going forward could be affected to its detriment if you stay and just because you are scared and its all you've ever known.

Time to expand your horizons far more here. Change and separation is difficult I grant you but this is no marriage model to show them and you're selling your own self short in the process by at all staying with him. You would not even be staying with him for your own reasons either.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, they are learning about relationships from you as well here. Its a terrible legacy to leave them, you want a crap and otherwise loveless marriage to be their norm too?. No you do not. Would you want these children to behave like their dad as adults, no. But you're showing them that currently at least, this relationship is still acceptable to you on some level.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your advice you’re absolutely right. I can’t let my boys grow up thinking this is acceptable. I need to set them a better example.

He’s modelling terrible behaviour to your DS. As others have said, he’s not a bad guy, just a very lazy and disinterested one. Sorry OP.

Holymoly if you have a 6yo, you must still be young, you still have plenty of time to build a new, satisfying, life for you and your children.

Imagine spending the next 40 or 50 years like this....

DH and I are in our 60s, we both have separate interests but we have a lot of similar interests including food, wine and travel. We spend a lot of time planning the next holiday (and reminiscing about past highlights/disasters). I plan to carry on building memories to look back on in my dotage!

If you carry on this way, your children will have no really exciting memories of childhood and while you’ll have lovely memories of them, mostly you’ll have memories of sofas and TV programs.

It sounds as if your husband is not a bad man, but you’ve outgrown the relationship, you need to move on and find your real self.