Friend told me I'd changed.. and I cried.

[GoingThroughChanges]

I feel sick.

I've changed my name incase there's a slight chance my friend posts on here, as I have mentioned the site a time or two. And I will change a few identifiable details, but apart from that the story is the same.

My friend has 3 children & I have 2. My dd2 is a few months older than her ds & she has another younger dd also.

Just after my dd was born & before her ds was born I was offered a job that I have been waiting years on. (The opportunity hadn't risen before). Anyway I had to attend a course before I began the job & although we don't see each other very much anymore, we always keep in touch through text, email & phone calls.

We were chatting yesterday when she visited and we were talking about a girl who has started a new job & keeps talking about it.. understandable as she has been out of work for a while. However, my friend said it annoyed her that people talked about themselves a lot and I agreed to an extent.

Then I said "But I might be like that...i'd hate to think I was, but I might be without realising as I was so excited to be on the training course" She then smiled... so I said "Oh my god....I am like that???" She said "Not anymore, you were like that at the start, things were funny between us, didn't you notice?"

I hadn't She is the first to admit that she picks up on everything and analyses things to the Nth degree.

I cried and said I would never have acted like that on purpose and we have always been friends and as far as I knew, able to discuss everything.. apparently not though I feel awful, as this was about 4 years ago and she has been remembering this for 4 years. She was horrified that she had made me cry, but it was just me feeling that she had thought for 4 years that I was being pushy and talking about myself.

Not sure what I want anyone to do, I just feel awful thinking I might have been going on and on about this new job and as a result may have lost a friend

I now feel like I don't even want to talk to her anymore incase she is analysing everything I do or say incase I make her feel inferior.

Friends should be supportive of each other. If she wants to overanalyse that's her problem! She should have been pleased for you. She sounds a bit jealous to me.

But, you didn't loose a friend, she is still your friend four years on, and is probably very proud of you for doing so well, (and maybe a tiny bit jealous you have done so well.) Don't fret, you like her as a friend and want to keep her as a friend, the more you fret about this the more likely it is you will push her away.

She sounds odd to me.

sounds to me like she felt a bit marginalised, and a teeny bit jealous.

BUT

she is still your friend

AND

she's honest. that's got to count for something. she knows you're hurt. take some time out but don't cut her off.

bloody hell what kind of friend gets annoyed at listening to a friend tell them about a huge life change?

she doesn't sound very empathetic to me .. and I have to say her attitude is not IMHO normal

it is to be expected that you want to talk about something new that is happening in your life - why shouldn't you ? I am sure in the reverse situation you would not have expected her to never mention how she spent her days?

If you are still friends 4 years later then it shouldn't be a problem.

Yes, she is still my friend and yes she is honest, that's a very good quality to have.

And I did kind of ask. When I cried she said she was sorry, but when she was asked a straight forward question she was going to answer it.

I think I'll leave it a while before I contact her. She is someone I would class as one of my very best friends, we have been friends for about ten years. But I am also thinking 'what else could she have been thinking about me that I am unaware of?' KWIM?

We both are honest with each other, but I feel bad that I might have been shoving my new job/course in her face when she kept saying "But I'm happy to stay at home with the kids..." I never once intentionally made her feel a lesser woman because she wasn't working outside the home.

I will leave her a while & then call her and see how she is. I just feel really awkward.

I don't think you have lost a friend at all. On the bright side - be glad she trusted you enough to be completely honest with you when you asked the question.
Accept you spoke about it quite a bit - and don't worry about it! You should be proud of yourself and were obviously excited - which is probably why she never said anything at the time. I think she was pleased for you too and knows you well enough to know it was a temporary thing.

You asked. She was honest. Not sure what else you expect tbh.

If you don't contact her it might look like you are sulking and that won't do your friendship any good.

Move on, enjoy your friendship. None of us has so many friends that we can afford to lose them willy nilly and good friends are hard to come by. And worth their weight in gold.

Was she just saying that you were so wrapped up in your new job that you didn't really bother to ask about her much? Which would be understandable to be really excited about your new job, but it's easy to be so involved in something like that you don't really have time for other people's problems.

She's still your friend. It was a long time ago. I would try not to worry about it.

She's a bit of an arse if she cant see how you'd be so excited with your new job etc. Or that she felt so marginalised she couldnt say something.

It's not difficult to say at the time "ffs let me get a word in edgeways" with a or a to you so you could have guessed that she was suggesting you might be a little overbearing.

Try not to worry though. Now its out in the open it can only be a good thing for you all.

Why couldn't she just be happy for you that you'd got the job you've been after for years?!! OF COURSE you are going to bang on about it at first - who wouldn't??!!!!! She shouldn't have said that things were strained between you both as you had obviously not noticed. She should have just said something tactful like "well you did at first, but it's understandable as you were excited" and then laughed it off.

GGRRR @ your "friend" who cant even let you go on about your new job without it getting up her nose. Sounds either jealous and/or selfish IMO!!!

I wouldn't feel awkward, I had the opposite with my sister she complained of me changing after ds was born & i wasn't telling her how i felt, i was busy being a mum & enjoying my new life. Other people thought she hadn't quite got used to my new life and felt a bit pushed out.

So i wouldn't worry over what you are saying to your friend as long as you are asking her about her life too.

She just said I changed a bit before I began the course and job.

She also went on to say that none of us stay the same as a person so it's understandable we have both changed over the years.

But in another way she meant I was full of myself for a while.... and you know, maybe I was, as I was doing this for me and I worked hard to get there.

she has changed lots too, not in a bad way.

She said I'm not like that anymore now that I have settled into the job.... but now I don't even know what she means.

She asked me if I hadn't noticed that things had changed between us, and I honestly hand on heart didn't think anything had changed.. maybe I am insensitive though

I agree though that we don't have that many friends I can afford to forget about her, I wouldn't do that anyway... we didn't have a row or anything, and she was in no way being nasty, she's not like that! She was answering a question I asked her... I just wasn't expecting the answer I got IYKWIM.

Also agree that if I don't contact her it looks like I an huffing which I am not really, I just feel bad that she thought there was ill feeling/atmosphere, which I was unaware of.

I'm not explaining myself very cleary though.

i think it really depends on how much you went on about it:

was it every conversation, the whole conversation, for months, to the exclusion of everything else? or was it just a case of talking about it in the natural meanderings of conversation?

only you can judge whether she's being unreasonable and how much you value the relationship.

i can see it was a shock, but maybe you do have a tendency to go on a bit, so maybe she's done you a favour. hey - i don't know you, but give it some thought.

ok, shoot me down now.

Someone who refers back to that after 4 years is a bit odd IMO. Yes you asked but she could have made light of it and said "Oh maybe you banged on a bit but who wouldn't?" or something. She's made you feel insecure unnecessarily. Plus, we all bang on about ourselves sometimes, and sometimes it's understandable as in this case. I think it sounds as if she fancied bringing you down a peg or two and that she may be jealous, although she may not consciously realise it.

Don't beat yourself up, have a little break from her if it helps and spend time with other friends. I don't think you'll lose her, though I'd probably feel like you and be a bit wary.

You sound totally normal to me.

She stuck with you though, didn't she? Your friendship was worth enough to her that she stayed around even though she found things a bit 'funny' between you. Besides, she hasn't been thinking about this for four years, she thought it four years ago, and you had a conversation which reminded her of it. Things have obviously moved on enough that she feels comfortable telling you she felt that way, rather than wanting to cover it up. Maybe if you just explain how this is making you feel bad, she will tell you much the same herself?

Message withdrawn

No, it wasn't every conversation every time we met. We met (at that time) every month & I mentioned it if she brought it up. I grew up with a sister who hates anyone getting anywhere, so I naturally don't talk about my private life.

She was thinking of going through the same course once her youngest dd goes to school, so we were probably discussing the childcare parts of it... I can't honestly remember.

When she left yesterday she was talking about a night out, so things weren't left in bad feeling... just me who feels guilty/insecure/bullied in a strange kinda way that I can't explain.

She has just finished a confidence building course, so perhaps she just had the confidence to blurt out how she felt... why the hell didn't she tell me at the time I was talking too much about my life changing event?

She is a good friend though and our friendship won't suffer because I felt criticised.

hmm, i'd also feel upset as it sounds like she was a bit unjustified. if this is the only problem you've encountered, i'd let it go. if not, i'd re-evaluate.

Warthog, I feel that she may have been told on her confidence building course, to answer people honestly etc.. which is why she told me what she did.

I asked my husband after she left yesterday and he said I wasn't overbearing at the time, but I know he's going to say that anyway.

Part of me is mortified that she thought I was going on and on about my job etc... when as far as I knew, she was the one asking questions and acting like she was interested.

No, she isn't usually like that, so I'll forget about it, but not, IYKWIM??

OK - you were on a course, juggling kids, the house, family and friends so I'd say that is why you didn't notice things being "funny".

It is hard when one of your best friends goes back to work and I think most of the "funny" feelings are felt by the person watching.

Like everyone else has said you are still friends - that's good. Your choice now is to talk it through again with her or simply drop the matter. You have to do what's right for you, otherwise you might ruin what sounds like a good friendship.

Well, I just emailed her saying we'll meet up soon & thanks for the honesty.. said I guess I could have been a bit "in your face" but I was excited & I would never had done anything to make her feel bad & she knows that.

So I guess I will see what she replies with, but I do know our friendship is real, but I guess I just felt a bit guilty yesterday when she said I went on a bit at the beginning of my new job.

um, do you think you might have blown this out of all proportion? is there the teeniest chance?

hope you are feeling better about it today