I am in my early 60's and I'm losing any faith in life ever being worth carrying on with. I have a very superficial relationship with my mother and siblings, never really fitted in. I was sexually abused by my grandfather between the ages of 9 and 12 and had several traumatic events happen during my teenage years (my parents didn't know about what my grandfather did because I was scared to tell them, but were a direct cause of the later problems.) Anyway, they are all mainly a source of pain and anger, rather than a comforting cosy family, so I see very little of them, and when I do see them, I am angry and upset for days.
I have grown up children who I do get on with well, but they all have their own lives to live and I do not want to burden them with my mental anguish or appear to be needy and an intrusion into their lives. They do not live close enough to be able to meet up with regularly or on an off the cuff basis.
My DH and I seem completely unable to communicate without a row. Even the simplest things end up being an issue. I can't really find the right words to explain why either, I don't understand how his thought processes work, and this is worsening with age. For example, we will be talking about something and he will pick on a tiny little point, something that isn't really a main part of anything, and he will talk only about that point, to the extent that the whole issue we started off talking about gets lost. He will listen only to the first part of anything I say, then assume he knows the rest of it, is often wrong, then, of course, that leads to another row. There is a lot more, but I don't want this post to be the length of a book.
I have acquaintances, but no proper friends. I think this is because I have always been so ashamed of who I am, and if people get close they will see I am not someone to be liked. I know all this is related to my childhood and teenage years, but I can't shake the guilt I feel at not stopping things happening to me and not being brave enough to say no. I was bullied at school and friendless when I started work. I never believe anyone likes me - after all if your own parents don't like or love you, what sort of person does that make you?
I have hobbies, mostly craft ones, but what is the point of making things if there is no one to share them with or show them to?
I'm spending every day when I get up, waiting for bedtime and the oblivion of sleep - often fruitlessly because I don't sleep well at all. I am in constant physical pain with aches in my shoulders, back and legs, and constant mental pain for the fear of a return of cancer that I have, which is an indolent type of lymphoma and in remission but not curable.
I just feel what is the point of me? what is the point of my life?