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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is the point?

11 replies

BridgetJonesScarf · 23/08/2019 10:03

I am in my early 60's and I'm losing any faith in life ever being worth carrying on with. I have a very superficial relationship with my mother and siblings, never really fitted in. I was sexually abused by my grandfather between the ages of 9 and 12 and had several traumatic events happen during my teenage years (my parents didn't know about what my grandfather did because I was scared to tell them, but were a direct cause of the later problems.) Anyway, they are all mainly a source of pain and anger, rather than a comforting cosy family, so I see very little of them, and when I do see them, I am angry and upset for days.

I have grown up children who I do get on with well, but they all have their own lives to live and I do not want to burden them with my mental anguish or appear to be needy and an intrusion into their lives. They do not live close enough to be able to meet up with regularly or on an off the cuff basis.

My DH and I seem completely unable to communicate without a row. Even the simplest things end up being an issue. I can't really find the right words to explain why either, I don't understand how his thought processes work, and this is worsening with age. For example, we will be talking about something and he will pick on a tiny little point, something that isn't really a main part of anything, and he will talk only about that point, to the extent that the whole issue we started off talking about gets lost. He will listen only to the first part of anything I say, then assume he knows the rest of it, is often wrong, then, of course, that leads to another row. There is a lot more, but I don't want this post to be the length of a book.

I have acquaintances, but no proper friends. I think this is because I have always been so ashamed of who I am, and if people get close they will see I am not someone to be liked. I know all this is related to my childhood and teenage years, but I can't shake the guilt I feel at not stopping things happening to me and not being brave enough to say no. I was bullied at school and friendless when I started work. I never believe anyone likes me - after all if your own parents don't like or love you, what sort of person does that make you?

I have hobbies, mostly craft ones, but what is the point of making things if there is no one to share them with or show them to?

I'm spending every day when I get up, waiting for bedtime and the oblivion of sleep - often fruitlessly because I don't sleep well at all. I am in constant physical pain with aches in my shoulders, back and legs, and constant mental pain for the fear of a return of cancer that I have, which is an indolent type of lymphoma and in remission but not curable.

I just feel what is the point of me? what is the point of my life?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/08/2019 10:29

Have you had any counselling? It might really help you work through what happened to you.

I don't even know you but you're a person, you matter, your feelings matter.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2019 10:45

You sound so sad and lost OP.
It's not surprising given what you have dealt with in your life.
Do you have regular counselling to tackle your childhood abuse?
You do sound depressed though.
Have seen your GP recently?
If not then please get in to see someone and talk about how you are feeling.

As a general point, what is the point to any of us????
That is a totally unanswerable question.

You have got through a tough life.
You have brought up children who are independent and happy.
You have a purpose. Just because you are here!

I'm sorry for your illness. I've no idea how you cope with that but you are doing that too.
You need to realise what you have achieved.
How far you have come.
And start to be proud of who you are and what you have come through.

Please seek professional help for your own mental health.
It's like anything - you deserve any help you can get for MH issues too.

As for your DH. Have you spoken with him honestly?
Explaining everything as you have here?
Do you love him?
Do you want to stay with him?
Would you be happier in your own life without him?

But honestly.... What is the point? is a question we all ask ourselves.
Very unMN-ey ((((((HUGS)))))) for you!

FuriousVexation · 23/08/2019 10:57

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

As HellsBells said, you're a person and you deserve happiness. Not this half life of shame and guilt.

You say you blame yourself for not being able to stand up to your
abuser. You were a young child. Remember your children at 9 years old - if you had found out at that age that they were being abused, would you blame them for not saying "no"? Of course you wouldn't. Show yourself the same compassion.

I don't know if you have had counselling at any point, but I definitely think it would benefit you, if you can find a therapist whose approach works well for you. (Sometimes you have to try a few different ones before you find the right match.)

In the mean time, what you said about physical pain really resonated with me and I really recommend this book The Body Never Lies by Alice Miller

Alice Miller sadly passed away in 2010 but her website is still online and can also be a valuable resource.
www.alice-miller.com/en/

I hope you can find a way to reach a point where you feel life does have a point and that you are a valuable human being who deserves to feel happy and loved Flowers

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 23/08/2019 11:05

OP, I'm so sorry you are feeling so low but it's entirely understandable in the circumstances. Have you ever considered going for specific trauma therapy for abuse? Something similar happened to me in my childhood but not by a family member but I feel very betrayed by my parents and am about to start EMDR for this. I have been plagued with depression, anxiety, low self esteem and codependency all of my life because of this and it led me to enter several narcissistic relationships which just retraumatised me over and over again leading to PTSD. Learning all about this has changed my perspective and my life and it is never too late for you to heal from your past.

Have you ever considered your H is a narcissist? Cyclical arguments that never go anywhere and him assuming how you think and feel are red flags and he sounds emotionally abusive. You have listed there is alot more and having been married to a narc, I can guess what you mean by this. This is probably contributing to how low you are feeling and also some of the physical symptoms.

These videos explain it better than I can

Also, someone I have found really helpful is Lisa Romano

Codependents often suffer from toxic lonliness and a constant underlying feeling of not being good enough. You are likely burned out from never being allowed to put yourself first and the constant fire fighting from your abusive H.

I promise you if you address this you will start to feel better but also it would be a good idea to visit your GP and contact your local womens centre for more support.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 23/08/2019 11:10

Also, the feelings you get around your family sound consistent with PTSD to me. I also feel the same around my family (my dad is a narcissist and my mother a hopeless enabler) and I feel exhausted and drained if I spend time with them as I find it opens up alot of old trauma.

HeartboxTeddy · 23/08/2019 13:31

Hi OP,

I'm nearly 40 years younger than you but also experienced sexual abuse by a family member at 9-13, around the same age as you. It has deeply impacted my life and I'll never forget a counsellor explaining to me that sexual abuse at that age is so awful for your development into becoming an adult as you're on the cusp of huge changes and the issues that can stem from abuse then can change your whole adulthood. I really recommend counselling, specifically for the abuse you suffered. I made friends with help from counselling too and whilst I don't have many friends (like 3) we are very close.

Also, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It should never have happened and I'm sorry it affects you so much. I still think of it daily but fill my life with hobbies, home life and now DC. Are there any hobbies you do where there's clubs/online groups?

froglin · 23/08/2019 15:25

I am in no position to be giving anyone advice and I know it is a very small part of your post but I just wanted to say that arts and crafts are something that help me find a little piece of meaning and space for being myself and bringing happiness to others and that makes me happy. I also get so much joy and inspiration from seeing the work of others too. It seems like a little thing to say in comparison to the other things you talk about but maybe that is a place where you can find a bit of respite and happiness? My experience of creative communities is that they tend to be full of lovely people if that is something you would like to be involved in? xxx

BridgetJonesScarf · 24/08/2019 14:37

Thank you all so much for replying to me. I have had a couple of really low days so I haven't read thoroughly yet, but I can see at a glance how kind you all are. I'm going to make a pot of tea and read all your responses properly but just wanted to say thank you straight off in case you thought me rude for not responding

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 24/08/2019 15:04

Hi OP. You have not only suffered and survived abuse but you you're still here battling on. You've raised children too and that is no mean feat!!
You do matter. You matter to your children. YOu matter to your DH (even though you might not think it sometimes).
Obviously I can't give advice that will take away the pain of what has happened to you in the past, but I also agree that counselling would definitely help. Even if you've had some already, get some more.
You've come this far against the odds so you are amazing!!

crappyday2018 · 24/08/2019 15:05

Also, I wonder if going completely no-contact with your family (at least for a while) might help. If seeing them makes you feel worse, then don't see them. Put yourself first for once.

Opaljewel · 24/08/2019 18:56

You do matter op. We care about you. Flowers

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