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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship and jobs

26 replies

Hodg84 · 23/08/2019 08:39

I have been with my husband for 10 years. He went to university for 4 of the years to become a teacher. I supported him and our son. He has taught for 4 years never securing a permanent job. I have always had to work to provide for our child who is 8. I find him really un proactive. He feels he went to uni to be a teacher so can’t have any other job! I worry about money. He says he suffers with depression and anxiety. I don’t really know what to do. I always feel like it is down to me all I want is some stability. He wants a teaching job but I feel any money is better than non. Am I being to harsh on him? Thanks

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/08/2019 10:07

Even if the jobs are not permanent, has he been able to earn a living? Can he eventually find a long term position?

Has he been diagnosed?

If he's happiest being a teacher, that should be enough, surely.

HennyPennyHorror · 23/08/2019 10:11

Is he experiencing periods of unemployment?

Original poster
Hodg84 · 23/08/2019 15:56

He has periods of unemployment. I just feel he has no get up and go. He just is around the house moaning because he has no money to do anything. I don’t particularly love my job but I do it to pay the mortgage and the bills. I feel tied like he doesn’t think about me only himself. I feel I have let him do what he wanted to do go to uni, have the job he wanted but I am stuck. I feel I have to be the responsible one. Sort out the child care and everything. I am finding it really difficult. I also feel my family judge. My disinter both have amazing jobs and so do there husbands. One just got a new job today earning way more than a teacher and less hours. I just feel we are stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hodg84 · 23/08/2019 15:57

Thanks for your messages so far

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 23/08/2019 15:59

I hate to sound harsh, but do you think the reason he hasn't got a permanent role is because he's not very good at the job?

I don't know much about teaching but I do know that it's one of the most stressful jobs around. For someone with anxiety, it's an odd career choice, I'd have thought.

Lweji · 23/08/2019 17:39

Why those periods of unemployment?

Why did he train to be a teacher? Was he struggling previously?

I think some people tend to live on possibilities rather than get on with real life.
My ex would spend time planning imagining to become X or Y but wouldn't take steps to be one.
At least yours did complete training.

What kind of alternative job could he have? Could he tutor, for example?

Is he being treated for the depression and anxiety?

something2say · 23/08/2019 17:50

I think its ultimatum time. Change or it's over.

Original poster
Hodg84 · 23/08/2019 18:30

I feel it is change or it’s over! 😭
Even if he had got a job over the summer in the supermarket it may have helped. Many years ago my dad lost his jobs and he took about 3 different t jobs to support us. That’s my role model so I find it really hard. I really believe he thinks a job is going to just come to him. He says he has applied for some but the rejection makes him depressed. I said he needs to apply for anything!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hodg84 · 23/08/2019 18:34

This may sound daft but I also feel it has an impact on my health. I feel ill and have bad chest infection. I am also suffer a bit with my nerves.

I don’t think teaching was the best choice and I told him that! I just feel he wanted the uni life! That now I look back.

I’m worried I have made a big mistake and I really worry about what other may think.

This is really helping being able to express how I feel.

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/08/2019 18:55

If he can't even take responsibility for the home/kids and won't seek treatment but only claims he has depression/anxiety, and won't seriously try to get amy job, then yes.

I know a few men that won't get any job because, I don't know, it's beneath them/can't be arsed because their wives support them.
Most people, yes, will get any job. I did when I finished my PhD and had decent savings. Just couldn't bear the thought of not earning money at all. An architect friend got factory work until things picked up again.
If you do want a job you'll probably find one.

Aussiebean · 23/08/2019 20:00

Does he belong to a number of agencies that can get him suply work while looking for something permanent?

What subject is he teaching?

something2say · 24/08/2019 08:15

If you say you're leaving, I bet he has a job within a few months. What else will he live on if you go?! That's always the test for me.

Original poster
Hodg84 · 24/08/2019 09:33

I know he will that happened last time. I said I was going to leave when he was at uni and then he got a part time job at a supermarket to top up our money. I am just upset that he has no get up and go. I just don’t feel like myself and I am sick of being the one that has to sort everything out. If it was the other way around I don’t think he would like it. When he was at uni he was motivated he wanted to do things but there was no pressure on him. ( Just on me)
Today he has decided to paint a room I have been asking him to paint for what feels like a year. I feel it’s to little to late.
He just doesn’t want to better us. I want new things in the house and for my child but all he says is I had nothing as a child. I spoke to a close friend and she said I have to look back at what we did have but it’s hard. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Takemebacktolondon · 24/08/2019 09:36

Surely he can do supply teaching while trying to find a permanent job.

Original poster
Hodg84 · 24/08/2019 09:40

He has been doing supply but no job at all in the summer. He said there is nothing for September either! I’m just not sure teaching is for him and wish he had tried something different over the summer. He says he has lost his confidence to apply for jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hodg84 · 24/08/2019 09:41

Maybe I have to bite the bullet and do it for him or should I say with him.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 24/08/2019 09:43

Exactly, he needs to register with a few teaching agencies, now is a good time to do it whilst schools are on their Summer break. By the time he has gone through the registration process work will start to pick up within schools. If he registers with a few that should hopefully keep him quite busy.He also needs to be updating his CV and as you say applying for jobs outside of teaching.
He may feel depressed and hopeless but he has got to get out there and start contributing to the families finances.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 24/08/2019 09:44

That's bizarre - we're crying out for teachers. Teacher recruitment is really challenging at the moment. Not sure why he is not getting a job, unless he is either not presenting well or not applying appropriately. Main recruitment seasons are just after half terms, but there will be adverts and supply requirements in schools from Sept onwards.

something2say · 24/08/2019 09:44

I think he's got wind of quite how upset you are, but yes too little too late.

Could it be that this is who he is turning out to be? He GENUINELY would let you shoulder the responsibility while he freeloads?? Some men are like that.

Whenever I read threads like this, where there is such a basic imbalance in how people like to live, I just think 'Leave!!! It will most likely not change. If you can see it and it is not what you want, don't expect change - expect it to just be as it is, as he is showing you he is, and take that at face value. If I love the pretty shoes but they give me blisters every time I wear them, eventually I stop choosing to wear them.'

It is sad but it is life - and a fresh new plan that YOU are on control of may be what the next step is xxxxxx

Original poster
Hodg84 · 24/08/2019 09:55

Thank you everyone.
I really wanted to have the dream nice house family and husband by giving up I feel like a failure. 😭 it always happens at this time of year. I also feel under pressure because my family and friends are starting to see he doesn’t do much. I always try and cover it up. He is also very stubborn I tell him just to listen to my family’s options on things but he always try’s to cause an argument because he has to look right. It over stupid things like the amount of sugar in drinks or cars. I just agree sometimes just to keep the peace but he can’t. It’s hard work.

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Hopoindown31 · 24/08/2019 10:43

I really wanted to have the dream nice house family and husband by giving up I feel like a failure.

Okay he could do better, but he'll never live up to your expectations if they are unrealistic. Real life rarely pans out as you dreamed it would.

Original poster
Hodg84 · 24/08/2019 13:08

I agree what your saying. It’s just I feel I work so hard. I just want better than I had for my son. I don’t love my job but do it because it fits in and the pay is ok.

OP posts:
Takemebacktolondon · 24/08/2019 13:11

Tbf re teaching vacancies, it depends which part of the uk you are in. In my area there have been mass redundancies across the county and it is difficult to find a long-term or permanent post. Supply is a way in of course although the money is not great and you don’t get paid in the holidays.

Guiltypleasures001 · 24/08/2019 13:19

I fear op, you may have an unmotivated potential cocklodger on your hands

Also I'll say this with kindness, martyrs always die young, your holding all this stress in and covering his arse. Your body mind and health are buckling under the strain, don't make anymore potential bad decisions.

You need to talk to him in plain terms, put it back on him, in the meantime tell people you need help. There are only so many times you can fix a leaking damn before it shatters, your best bet is to release the pressure gradually, and under your control.

Your son needs a healthy happy mummy, look out for yourself 💐

AgentJohnson · 24/08/2019 14:33

He isn’t and never will be the pro active type and he will hide behind his anxiety and depression to get out of being responsible. I suspect University was another exercise in putting off responsibility.

I suspect (despite his protestations to the contrary) that a permanent job involves a level of responsibility he can’t cope with or doesn’t want. Unfortunately you haven’t been supporting him, you’ve been enabling his worst instincts.

It’s time you base your future on who he is now and not who you desperately want him to be.

You wouldn’t be the first or last woman to buy into the future partner, whilst ignoring who they are in the present.