I've told him he needs to leave

[NTHF]

Hi everyone I only made my profile tonight but I'm constantly reading mumsnet stuff.

I told my DH our relationship is over and he has to leave tomorrow. Our relationship has left me mentally and emotionally scared because of all the covert abuse that went on and only from seein a SW, CPN and HV did I realise that's why my mental health is so bad.
We have 3 DC together but he's saying if I kick him out it will kill him and that I sprung it on him even though he was on 6months probation to wise up his behaviour and has done nothing. Basically I just need a handhold while he gets out tomorrow so I don't give into his guilt trips.

Has anyone else been through this, especially the covert abuse.
TIA

, hope all goes smoothly, NTHF. These things are never easy but you have done the right thing, he's had his chances.

I'm surprised he's going so meekly. Most people would dig their heels in especially abusive people!!

Haven’t been though but it’s good he’s agreeing to leave ( he doesn’t have to).

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will come along

Yep. Constant covert abuse. Unless he’s getting his own way. Then everything’s fine. The psychological damage to me has been huge. I wish I’d left years ago. Don’t let him guilt trip you. Make him go and then see if your MH improves

Yes. But he said he was leaving and then wouldn't give a key back. So basically he walked in whenever he felt like it and continued the abuse. I ended up moving. Is there anyone you can call you be there with you?

Good luck, sounds like an awful situation. Try and have someone with you in case things turn ugly.

Yeah he tried to argue and shout but I stuck to a 'script' and da I'd I'm not arguing with you and then went to bed, then he started cryin to make me feel guilty.

He didn't care about our family when he was gambling his and my wages and we couldn't make rent or when he was having affairs an comin home after all nighters drunk.

He's not went into work and says I have to tell the kids I want him to move out. Thanks for the replys so far.

Stick to your guns, you are doing great.

Amazing how what they've done only sinks in when the other person says it's over.

He sounds like an absolute nightmare. Look forward to your new , happy life free of him and his bs.

Well done. Kick his scummy arse out. Think of yourself and the kids-you all deserve better.

Thanks everyone, he's really dragging it out, I feel sick, I just need him gone.

Can you not go out and leave him to it or will he just not go?

He's gone I took the kids to my mums and told him he needed to be ready to leave wen I got back and I took him to his mums house.

We told the kids and they were absolutely devastated.

Apologies if you've already said, but how old are your children? Mine were 5 and 2 when we split up, 4 years down the line they've adapted really well. It's tough but it does get easier.

They are 9,5 and 2. The 2year old just tried to wipe away everyone's tears but the older 2 were breaking their hearts.

Have you got any tips to get them through this? @MyGhastIsFlabbered

I just spent a lot of time reassuring them that both mummy and daddy still loved them very much but that they didn't love each other. I tried to explain that I wouldn't stop loving them though.

And no matter how much shit my ExH tried to pull I NEVER badmouthed him or stopped him seeing them.

It's really hard when your ex is being a complete cunt but you HAVE to put them first, especially at the beginning. It can be very wearing being the bigger person but you have to.

Have you got plenty of friends you can rant/moan/cry on so that you keep the outwards appearance of civility towards your ex?

I guess just make sure you listen to them and be guided by them if they want to talk about it-don't make them talk about it if they don't want to, but be receptive if they do. And obviously fill the school/nursery (if your youngest goes to nursery that is) what's going on-they can be incredibly helpful and can offer counselling and support if necessary.

Sorry for the essay, I'm just trying to think how we got through it.

He gambled your wages and had affairs! He's more than lucky you didn't end it back then.

Long overdue and a poor specimen of a father.

My kids were 9 & 7 when I kicked my abusive H out. The kids were very upset bit with time have adjusted. I would agree with pp never to badmouth him to them or in front of them. Still talk about him like he is their dad, acknowledged their feelings and make sure that their home environment is stable support I and somewhere they feel safe. They will adapt and in the long run will be much better off. An abusive partner creates a toxic environment that damages children. You've put a stop to that. Well done OP. Move forwards with pride knowing you've done the right thing.

Thank you everyone for the advice I really appreciate it.

Any time OP. It's bloody tough. Feel free to PM me if I can help at all

The problem comes when their still abusive after separation and divorce, the inconsistent care, inconsistent visitation, the negative behaviour etc etc. Be aware that it's all just started (honest not being negative) that's what does the real damage. I'm still living it 3 years later.
Stay strong xx