Telling the DCs, new house and being overwhelmed...

[Walkingwounded]

Just hoping for a hand hold/any advice.

Tomorrow we are telling the kids that we are parting. DH is staying in family home - goes with his job. I have bought new house down the road. DCs are 13 and 11.

They have absolutely no idea this is coming and will be in a state of shock. DS has anxiety issues and child psych advice was to get house sorted first, to provide him with some certainty. We will do 50-50 care.

I went to see new house today ( finally got keys after stressful few months). Had expected to feel elated after years if emotional abuse, gaslighting etc but all I could do was cry. It is not home. It felt cold, unwelcoming and needs some work. How the DCs are going to picture themselves in it is beyond me.

Relations between DH and I are amicable on the surface - but am worried about his tendency to manipulate the DCs.

Not sure what I’m asking other than any advice on how to make telling them easier for the DCs? Or how to make the house seem welcoming to them when they make first visit? Feel totally overwhelmed at the moment.

These are the hard times , it will get easier

Have you got money to make the house feel like a home ?

Include the boys in all your decisions 're decorating, maybe get mates round to have painting parties , make it fun

I’ve not been in your position so can only imagine how overwhelming it must feel. Bring military we do move house very often though, and have learnt over the years that to make a new house a home it’s about creating some new memories there as quickly as possible. Inviting people over, eating family meals together around a table if poss, and letting the kids design their bedrooms and make it a weekend project together. Spend the time, if you have it, investing in the decor to make it personal. Good luck in sharing the news. As someone who suffered severe childhood anxiety I think the approach you’ve taken is really admirable and will help tremendously. What a great mama.

Thankyou both. Will try to get them involved in decorating/get friends around to help make new memories ASAP. Just all feels too much at the moment.

@walkingwounded ....not been in your position as in splitting but my H left us in the family home for a brief EA with a colleague and I thought we might need to move out at some point. So it was a change for DC . Ikea and home bargains are your friends at this time. I’m not saying a couple of lamps and wall pics will make it alright, but don’t under estimate the power of a big shop led by DC. Make it a project they manage .... even if they want the walls neon green with fried egg posters! Make the move fun and exciting whilst reminding them you and their DF love them ... teach them positive responses to adversity x

ThAnkyou, that’s helpful. Will plan an ikea run with them assuming they are willing to actually see the house (one big worry is that DD (13) will simply refuse.)

I have been in your position - exh and I split 5 months ago and I was the one who moved out (into rented annoyingly). My kids are younger than yours so will likely react differently, but my tips would be:

• involve them in decorating/furnishing their rooms
• give them permission to prefer their usual family home, at least at first. We call ours home1 and home2 which seems to work quite well.
• expect to feel really unsettled yourself; these are massive changes and it's a rollercoaster of emotions for a good while yet
• try to make one bit of the home your sanctuary. You'll need it when you're sat in it alone when dc are with their dad (we do 50/50 as well)
• allow all and any feelings that any of you express
• exh and I make it our responsibility to transport their favoured toys and things like shoes and coats (which it wouldn't make sense to duplicate) between our houses. It's not their fault we split and they've got the hard end of the deal I worry.

Most of all, be kind to yourself, pull in all the emotional support you can and believe in a better future

Misty you understand perfectly. Thankyou for these. It is indeed really unsetttling and am dreading the first night alone without them - so the idea of one room as a sanctuary is great. Thankyou.

My advice would be to think about your wording carefully. Saying “Me and Dad aren’t going to be married anymore” is less hurtful than “Me and Dad don’t love each other anymore” x

I would avoid presenting it so suddenly, despite the advice you have had from professionals. Introduce it gently and gradually so they can mentally adjust. And I second home bargains!!

I was thinking of how to gradually lead up to it but couldn't actually think how to actually say it without leaving them in a state of uncertainty and worry. 'Dad and I are having some problems and we hope to resolve them' just creates doubt - and DS could not cope with this (anxiety issues). Any suggestions welcomed very much

We just said mummy and daddy have decided not to live together anymore. We used the children's book Mum and Dad Glue but it's probably a bit young for yours. We did it together in the local library, so they could wander off and process it all. I had to tell ds again a few days later as he thought it was temporary... we then lived together for about 5 weeks before I moved out. So that gave them and us a chance to adjust to it and let it sink in.