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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I get over it?

10 replies

Projectbanjo · 22/08/2019 18:43

My DP and I moved in together 3 year go after dating a year. Unknown to me at the time he was in a lotttt of debt that would proceed to eat half of his wages monthly.
He’s on a £24k a year salary and this debt meant there was little left for home costs. I love him regardless and agreed to get a debt plan arranged. We ended up falling pregnant with a little miracle but the pregnancy was stressful and finding the funds for her essentials caused an awful 9 months but it’s also meaning I need to go straight back to work as even with the debt plan in place we can’t live off the lack of a second wage.

I see all these mums getting help off the government (even minimal) and get jealous. I’m starting to resent my DP for the fact I can’t spend more time with our baby. I don’t expect to live off benefits even slightly but his wage would be enough to cover the essentials if it wasn’t for the massive black cloud hanging over our finances (that he didn’t disclose till a year and a half in)

I really would like more time with my LO and don’t want to miss any the firsts or see someone else with a better bond than she has with me (this irrationally terrifies me)

Will I eventually get over it? Once I’m back in work will I appreciate the time away? Or is this going to be a big breaking point for me and DP?

OP posts:

Windmillwhirl · 22/08/2019 18:45

You agreed to stay with him and have a baby knowing his circumstances. It's a bit unfair getting resentful now when you knew what you were letting yourself in for

Walnutwhipster · 22/08/2019 18:49

Don't be envious of benefit help others receive when the problem is with your partner. Direct your feelings there.

category12 · 22/08/2019 18:55

Is there anything he can do about the repayments - has he talked to Stepchange or anyone about ways to manage it better?

I think once you're back to work, you'll get used to it and probably enjoy it even. Your baby won't love a carer more than you.

Original poster

Projectbanjo · 22/08/2019 18:56

Once my LO was in there she was going no where but it’s not the way I would have liked to have brought her into the world. I’d have liked to have the debt gone and enough saved for a year off work to enjoy every minute of her. I know I did accept it when I found out and I could have left but I love him, still I can’t help feeling this way, wish I could.

OP posts:

Original poster

Projectbanjo · 22/08/2019 18:59

@category12 they have been minimised as far as they could go with pro rata payments, bankruptcy wasn’t an option as he did have a disposable income. Understandable though, it’s his debt and it should be paid 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Chuchu2019 · 22/08/2019 19:12

You clearly have never been on benefits. If you have you would know that for a single mum with one child, you would get £20 child benefit a week, £51 child tax credits weekly and a whopping £145 every 2 weeks for income support. Sure you’re rent gets paid and you get reduced council tax, but still with that amount you are scrapping by, it’s not fun and it’s definitely not easy.

Original poster

Projectbanjo · 22/08/2019 19:20

@chuchu2019 not as a parent but I was on JSA once before and it wasn’t comfortable living at all. Its mainly the time part I’m envious of after all I’m going to be doing the scrimping regardless but just missing out on valuable bonding time

OP posts:

Windmillwhirl · 22/08/2019 19:27

Can he get a dig out from his family?How much debt is it. Is it going to take years and years to pay it back?

Is there no way he can pay back less each month to give you some breathing space.

Could he look for a better paying job?

Musti · 22/08/2019 19:32

Enjoy quality over quantity and don't worry about essentials. Babies don't need much.

Needsomebottle · 22/08/2019 23:52

Try to think of it like this, yes it's really bloody hard, but without him and your relationship you wouldn't have your LO now. Yes, this time might not be as you imagined it (and I totally get that having had to go back to work full time myself post DC1) but DC1 is now 8, DH and I have some serious issues and may part, should probably have parted before we had DC's but I wont regret a moment with him as I have two amazing children because of him. Without him they wouldn't be the people they are.

I know it sounds a bit airy fairy but if you can financially come out the other side, try and see it from the positive side. Half your DC's genetic make up come from him and they wouldn't be the treasure they are without him. If you love him, keep a United front and battle through the rest. As they say, this too shall pass.

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