Can I go through with this?

[Bob42]

So I posted previously about separating from my husband. It’s a slow process but tomorrow he has an assessment with the mortgage company to see if he can take on the mortgage by himself as I don’t want to stay in the house. It’s really happening and I’m petrified. What if I’m making a massive mistake. I’ve only ever been with him, he’s been a huge part of my life for nearly 20 years. We have 2 boys. I’m not sure if I can actually go through with it. 😢

Of course you can.
After 20 years, can you imagine the freedom you will feel?
This is a brand new start away from all this.
Time for you now.
You've put up with 20 years of not being you.
It will be liberating and exhilarating.
You got this!!!!

It might feel better to remind yourself that nothing needs to be permanent. Maybe a separation might make you both realise what youve lost. Maybe not. But changing the mortgage isnt the end of the world. If you got to this point then its serious and the children will have already been affected. See it through and clear your head. You might feel differently in a few months. You might love being single. Who knows

Do you still love each other ?

@Robin2323 yes we do although I’m not sure I love him like I did. He says he can’t change and I need him to for it to work. He’s put me through so much heartbreak over the years. And I also think if he really wanted to he could but he says he can’t.

Sorry dont recall any of your previous posts. Have you tried counselling?

Im not trying to be mean but this isnt a case of who blinks first is it? if you love each other then someones got to do something, its heart breaking to throw away 20 years over pride.

Sorry if its something really serious, in which case ignore me and go through with it.

Agreed with the above.

The way your post read reminded of a story I read a long time ago.

They were divorcing but felt so sad - they worked it out.

I suggested counselling he refuses point blank. He’s not a great father or husband he admits that but refuses to do anything to change it. He never wants to go anywhere or do anything as a family. He’s ruined a number of my birthdays through lack of effort on his part. I always let him get away with it all because I loved him so much but I can’t take anymore. I just wanted him to change and fight for me.

It's natural to get cold feet over a divorce in the same way as we can get cold feet over a marriage. It's a huge step in your life.

I don't know your history. Have you tried:-

(1) Counselling?
(2) Trial separation?

At least if you both feel you really have given it your all, you will be less likely to second-guess your decisions.

He’s put me through so much heartbreak over the years

On the other hand, if you feel the marriage will never work and you can't continue, perhaps you need to write a list of the very good reasons you have for divorce and refer to them when you are feeling a bit wobbly.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide. It's not easy, I know

Ah please dont worry, I strongly suspect 3-6 months on his own might loosen the pride a little. You get out there and have some fun. Think of it as a break, if he's not mentioned getting back together in 6 months then you can deal with thoughts and feelings of divorce then.

Not sure I really agreed with trail separations.

Tend to become permanent.

You cannot change anyone but yourself so don't try.

However it quite surprising how a few tiny changes in yourself can improve life immensely.

If he’s not willing to change theres no point. I don’t believe in flogging a dead horse, you’ll end up even more frustrated and dislike him more and more. He’s proven he’s not bothered and doesn’t even make a fuss for your birthday, which is extremely hurtful. You’re prob having a wobble but that’s natural as the wheels are in motion. Personally I’d rather be on my own than waiting in hope for somebody to show they care💐

If he's not willing to change or attend counselling, and he's caused you lots of heartbreak over the years, then there really isn't anything to cling on to. It's natural to feel scared once things start moving and it's fear of the unknown. I'm sure in 6 or 12 months time things will look a lot different. Don't spend the next 20 years of your life regretting not having the courage to take these steps and make life better for yourself and your children. Good luck OP

I also remember when the 'divorce' happened that I felt like a failure.
No idea why.
It wasn't me who cheated or moved to another country.
So don't let that feeling could your judgement either.

Hi so sorry you going through this, I went through a similar thing two years ago, I stayed cancelled the divorce. After 6 months I regretted it so much. By staying I had allowed myself to be treated even worse. Now I am in the process of trying to divorce. I am stuck in the house and my husband is on bail as he turned really abusive when he thought he was in charge. Please think carefully about what would make you and the kids happy. It is scary . Try to get some advice . Take care .

I'd be inclined to ignore @Robin2323's comments outright.

If he’s treated you shoddily it will be better in the end. As hard as it is.
It’s hard to let go. But let go you must.
Look up the sunk cost fallacy

Thanks everyone for your support, it’s just so scary because we’ve been together since we were teenagers and I’ve only ever been with him. We both decided we’ve probably changed alot as we’ve grown up together and now realised we want different things. He wants the lazy laid back life and I want the opposite.

@AFistfulofDolores1
Genuine question - which bit?

Correctly or incorrectly, @Robin2323, I felt like you had an investment in the OP sticking things out and trying to work them through ... and that felt like it could be more about you and your life than anything to do with the OP's.

@AFistfulofDolores1

@Robin2323

I'd be inclined to ignore @Robin2323's comments outright

There was absolutely nothing wrong with Robin's post. I don't know how you interpreted it as you did.

He doesn’t want a lazy laid back life. He wants someone who’s happy with him having a laid back life.

He wants someone like you, he can pick up and drop at will. And when you work out it’s not right. He will do the same again. YOH WILL NOT CHANGE HIM

Think about your boundaries. Think about the fact that if someone cared, really cared about you. Loved you. They wouldn’t do this. Trust me. PLEASE trust me. Love is not like this.
Listen

@SandyY2K - I agree: nothing wrong. I simply disagreed with it.

AFistfulofDolores1

I see... but you more than disagreed with it. You told the OP to ignore her comments.

I understand we all have varying views and opinions, but when I read your post, I had to go back and check if she'd said something awful.