Unhappy with marriage

[Molly835]

Hi everyone
I'm wondering if I could get some advice. I've been married for 20yrs . We have 3 kids, 18, 16 and 4. The issue I have is my husband notices nothing but his phone and gym , he's into body building . He takes seroids ( please refrain from being judgemental) when he's doing his cycle he's loving, attentive to me and the kids not nasty like stories make you believe. When he's off cycle he doesn't show me any love at all it's like he's dropped me in a second and when I've said to him i feel invisible he just brushes it off and tells me he's dealing with the lows of comming off course .

I cook all of his meals ( there's loads in addition to the kids meals) he works 5 days and i work 1x night shift a week at the minute he thinks because of this he can come home even on days off and do absolutely nothing but sit on the couch and surf his phone whilst i run about all day cooking his meals and running the home.
He's naturally a confrontational character so i feel like i keep my opinions in line with his , agree with his rules ect otherwise if i upset him he won't speak to me for days.
Everday i make myself look as good as possible, dress nice but he doesn't notice , i dont even get a hug when he gets back from work it's just "where's my cofffee " attitude . I'm not high maintenance but have needs and don't want to live celibate until he goes back on cycle again He does love us all in his own way and does do his best to keep bills paid, clothes on kids ect . I'm just feeling like i don't want to live (for as ever long as may be) feeling invisible, only wanting his family when pumped full of hormones .

No real advice but I was with someone for 13 years who had a steroid addiction. He would be lovely when not using but awful when he was. Unbearable. We were all constantly on eggshells around him. He would never admit it was a problem and refused to stop. Ultimately I am happier without him around.

I'm sorry but the only way you can change this is to leave.

He won't change. Why would he? You've been his maid/housekeeper for 20 years.

I think the best thing you can do is get your paperwork sorted and get you finances up to date and make a plan to leave.

Another vote for leave. This man has made his priorities very clear and you are at the bottom. He is treating you with complete contempt, OP - you seem to be regarded in the same light as the washing machine, a useful domestic appliance, but not worth his time or consideration.
Get organised, see a solicitor, check out the finances, get all the paperwork in order and an exit plan made, before you say anything to him. And be aware that he may become violent - steroid psychosis and rage is dangerous, and a distinct possibility given his drug use.

You need to have a proper sit down chat about all of this.

He has to do his fair share at the weekend.
Agree when he will cook.
Agree when he will clean the bathroom (hoover, mop, whatever)
Agree to a few small jobs he has to do weekly.

Tell him what you have told us.
He is a useless piece of skin who you would be better off without but you want to try to make this work but he needs to pull his weight.

Sorry to be naive but what is a 'cycle'?
How long does it last?
Is it a cycle of steroid taking?
And make no mistake - we are judging that.
They are absolutely known to mess with your head, moods, personality, aggressiveness, libido, ED, addiction.
Why does he need to take them? Is there a medical reason?

Don’t be a housekeeper for a scummy roid-head. You’re worth far more than that I’m sure. As are the children.

Why does he need to take them? Is there a medical reason?

He takes them because he's a bodybuilder. There is absolutely no medical need. I would question how much he's spending on them too.

OP, I'm really worried that if you try and talk sensibly to him about this, he will erupt. Please don't confront him; make sure you and DC are safe and have somewhere to go first.