Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone managed to revive sexual desire for partner?

26 replies

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 07:26

Has anyone managed to revive sexual desire for their partner in a long relationship where it has fallen away
.. and if so, how?

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 22/08/2019 09:01

I'm in the same boat so watching with interest. In all honesty I've read lots of similar threads and am yet to see someone say they did.

What stage are you at? Simply don't fancy him or don't want and can't bear for him to touch you? Sadly I'm in the latter but trying to find a way back.

Cherryade8 · 22/08/2019 09:08

No, sorry. Tried a few times, but the lust and attraction never came back. Hopefully someone else has good news.

MMmomDD · 22/08/2019 10:42

If you lost libido altogether - for all men - then I think one can try to revive it.
However - if you lost it for a specific person - or even got to the point of not being able to stand when they approach you - why would you want to force yourself into being able to take it?
Attraction is a complex thing. And there is a reason why it’s lost. And it’s a sign that the relationship has ran it’s course.
Sorry

Kitty1184 · 22/08/2019 11:05

Honestly? No. Which resulted in divorce. I really did try, but if you don't fancy someone you don't fancy someone.

As PP said, could ti just be a falling libido issue? Do you still get that twinge for other people?

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 11:51

can't bear for him to touch you?

No, i enjoy whatever hugs/cuddles/affection there is - which to be fair he usually initiates.

It's the sexual desire, lust, drive aspect.

Not much at all since about 6 months in - but to be fair I've been the same in both other relationships I've had.

We sleep separately which really doesn't help at all - due to different getting up times, snoring, disturbing each others sleep, and in the last two years; taking turns to look after our now toddler at night (poor sleeper).

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 12:05

(This is a looong relationship by the way - we didn't have a child until years together).

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 12:46

And it’s a sign that the relationship has ran it’s course.

If I followed that, I'd never have relationships that lasted more than 6 months or so.

OP posts:
Sleepathon · 22/08/2019 12:50

I read somewhere on here that massaging each other without actually having sex really gets the couple going. The point is at the end of the massage you have to resist and not have sex.
In a few weeks you’ll be gagging for it apparently. It does make sense.

Sorry if this isn’t what you were asking

Lamentations · 22/08/2019 13:32

I'm glad you've taken the advice to give up on the relationship with the pinch of salt it deserves. This is a marriage with children and by the sounds of it, otherwise good.

Libidos go up and down and some people's are just low. I'd definitely suggest you share a bed for at least a couple of nights a week. And maybe just... do it? Even if you initially don't feel like it. Intimacy breeds intimacy I find.

Disclaimer- I am regularly slammed for old fashioned views on MN.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 13:33

@Sleepathon
I'm open to any of ideas 😄

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 13:36

*not sure where the random 'of' came from

OP posts:
Griefmonster · 22/08/2019 13:41

So you have a young child/ren and different work schedules from the info you've given. That sounds like a tough period to be going through. How well do you communicate usually? How much time do you have just to chat and be intimate (not necessarily sexually but emotionally, physically)?

Me and my DH of 17 years went through this a couple of years ago. We went to couple counselling and it saved our marriage. I was ready to leave with the kids. We'd be better off on our own, nothing for me in this relationship. I felt so alone and unloved. Now back to fancying him, chatting, sharing our news and feelings and having a laugh. The main problem for us was being so concentrated on DC and work and life. It's trite but it's true - relationships take work and nurturing. If you're not connected in any other way, you are not going to connect sexually.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 13:45

@lamentations

You're definitely right about needing to share a bed.

The intimacy theory - I've read a lot of women in long-term relationships have "responsive desire" or something like that I'd you may have to.pudg yourself to have sex when you don't really really want to and if you do, your sex drive and desire will go up (and you'll no longer have to make an effort, it will be natural).

Myself and my partner have gotten into a real slump/ditch with long periods no sex where it's become the norm and it feels weird (!) to have sex. It's fked up.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 13:46

*push yourself

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 13:53

(This responsive desire thing is obviously not meaning - have sex in a relationship in which you don't love, respect, treat each other well etc. In which everything is not ok, but one which is good but is suffering from the long term slump in lust and sexual desire that might happen due to familiarity, lack of novelty etc. Before I get slammed for citing a theory that women should have sex if they're not raring to).

OP posts:
Lamentations · 22/08/2019 13:55

Yes OP you know Mumsnet...

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 13:57

How well do you communicate usually? How much time do you have just to chat and be intimate (not necessarily sexually but emotionally, physically)?

Usually reasonably well.

Not much. Our toddler is difficult to get to bed.

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 22/08/2019 14:01

I did, I really had a slump in desire and libido last year, it coincided with:

Losing my mum
Moving house
DS being diagnosed with Aspergers.
DD starting school.
Changing job.

This all happened over the same six month period and I was so mentally exhausted that I couldn't bare another thing to think about.

I sat down with DH and had a good long chat where I explained that I was just peopled and touched out by the time we got to bedtime. I explained that I find it hard to go from being a secretary at work, to a mum at home, to wanting sex with no transition period.

He started to take on a lot more responsibility, crucially, without me having to remind him, and that left me with a lot more mental space to relax and find my sex drive again.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 14:04

We don't want to impose on family to babysit for long/overnight .. and I'm too paranoid to get a non family baby sitter (I'm the sort of person who thinks some paedo-facilitator lurks around every corner, which is unlikely in the extreme but my brain won't believe it).

OP posts:
Spudina · 22/08/2019 14:04

I find that when we haven't had sex for a while (because if work/kids, whatever), I can take it or leave it. I have to kind of make myself do it, even if I'm not really on the mood, to get the feeling back. But that sparks a run where we do it a lot and it's great. Libido is a funny thing. My advice would be to sleep in the same bed. And initiate non sexual touching, like cuddling, kissing, handholding. Theres the hormone release you get from skin contact that will help.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 14:06

@LadyFlumpalot

That's a positive story.

Sorry about your mum Flowers.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 14:09

@Spudina

That seems to fit with the the responsive desire/sex drive theory.

Good advice; we do need to do more romantic, physically affectionate stuff.

OP posts:
Griefmonster · 22/08/2019 14:11

Our counseller was great at acknowledging the limitations of a busy life. Mythical "date nights" are just not practical for most people so he suggested just one hour every week when we can relax at home and do something. Ours was 10pm - 11pm on a Saturday (also have 2 rubbish sleepers). First week we had to come up with something each to do for that hour that we thought the other would enjoy. So cook together, listen to some new music, draw etc. It really didn't take long to get the warmth back in to the relationship and from warmth and connection came desire. But yes libido ebbs and flows a lot over time.

SomeAfternoonDelight · 22/08/2019 14:29

Same OP in the dry spells when it comes to it I turn very very coy. And I have what can only be described as a high sex drive, but this still effects me. DP has never ever had a high sex drive really, which is in some ways nice and annoying.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2019 18:14

Mythical "date nights" are just not practical for most people so he suggested just one hour every week when we can relax at home and do something

This definitely sounds worth trying, we'll have to schedule it and stick to it I could see it falling by the wayside very easily.

OP posts: