My DM has MH issues and possible drinking problem - help!

[GirlfriendInAKorma]

This feels a bit complicated so I'll try to keep it simple.

My mum (been split up from my dad for 35 years. With 2nd husband of ten years) has always struggled with MH.

She had various nervous breakdowns when I was growing up and it was just me and her living together. It was fucking awful for me as I was a teenager and didn't really get why she was so unpredictable/ crazy. I've tried to help her a lot over the years but I stopped about 10 years ago because I just couldn't take the rollercoaster of emotions. She would have a meltdown and be really REALLY awful to me. I have paid for a lot of counselling for myself to try to sort my head out - and it's worked.

Fast forward to now. She is on ADs and has been for a very long time. She has had bouts of counselling but never really sticks at it. She blames all her problems on everyone else and is a classic 'victim'.

She comes over to help me with childcare for my DCs when I am at work - so she helps on a practical level.

She is prone to the odd bit of bonkers behaviour (sending me distressed text messages late at night about how she isn't good enough to look after my kids etc so she's obviously got very low self esteem). She's very emotional. I am not. She'll cry, rant and rave, tell me in really over the top ways how wonderful and amazing my kids are etc. She'll also lie - I think to cover up things so as not to look bad. She absolutely swore blind she had given up smoking - even though she clearly hadn't (stunk of smoke, cigarettes in her bag etc.). I do believe that she has finally given up now.

Point of this thread though is that she drinks. I don't know how much, but often I'll call her at say 5pm and she'll seem absolutely steaming. Slurring words, telling me the same thing literally 5 times etc. She drinks at my house too - but it'll be weird stuff like drinking wine out of a mug. Warm white wine so she doesn't have to display it in the fridge I guess. My step dad is here with her so I don't fear for the safety of the kids or anything. I assume she is self-medicating for whatever MH issues she has.

I want to talk to her about it because:
My DF drank like a fish and passed away at a relatively early age
I think long term heavy drinking is bad for you (obvs) and I guess worse if you are on other medication
I can't bloody stand dealing with her when she is pissed. I have to listen to her rabbit in about crap several times over and then the next time I speak to her she tells me it all again cos she can't remember any of it.

I think she might risk actually physically hurting herself (falling etc.) and I think I'd feel very guilty if something like that happened and I hadn't tried to talk to her about it.

So... well done for getting this far... and what would you do?

Find somebody else to look after your children & step back.

You have done plenty over the years.

What jumped out to me is that she is alone in charge of your DCs while she is suffering from a severe drinking problem. If she's slurring by 5, she's almost guaranteed to be drinking while caring for them. Even without that, she sounds like on many ways she was not a good carer to you and will not be doing any good for your children. Often this is hard to see when you have loved with it all your life, but it's not normal, it is dangerous and it's keeping you entangled. Do you have an alternative?

As for other advice, I'd recommend you get to an Al Anon meeting asap for advice and support from other people in your position. You're not alone, and you deserve better than this.

Thank you for the responses.

She's definitely not alone looking after my DCs. My step dad comes over too.

I know your step Dad is there but I wouldn’t be keen on ‘secret’ drinking around my children. I would say I know you are drinking and I am happy the children are safe for the moment but any escalation of drinking will mean you will no longer be able to care for your Grand children. Simple as that. Would you allow your kids to be looked after by a drunk babysitter even if there was a sober person with them? Just because it is your Mum doesn’t mean it’s ok.

You need to be honest with her. She can't be around your children when she is drunk, anything could happen.

She will likely think you are affirming her idea of not being good enough, but your children come first.

She's aware of the damage she is doing to her health, she saw what happened to your dad.

My mother also had many breakdowns when I was a kid, it was horrible. I feel for you x

If your step-father puts up with this fuckwittery he also should not be allowed to care for your children. His judgement is clearly very seriously lacking. I am bewildered that you think this is ok.

Very difficult situation for you OP.

Practically speaking, what would be the implications if she didn't do your childcare?

Have you ever spoken to her about drinking? Or to your stepdad?

Do you know if there is a history of alcohol abuse in her family? There's a saying - children of alcoholics marry one or become one. It certainly sounds like she married one (your DF) and has now become one too.

The alcohol is probably interfering with her medication, so she'll be getting little benefit from it.
I too would not have her around my children- even if another adult is there. Is she slurring her words and repeating herself etc to them? It's horrible to be around a drunk person who behaves like this, as you know already.
I don't know what to advise- either you let the status quo continue, or you tackle her about the drinking, or you withdraw yourself and your children from the situation as much as possible.
Does her partner not think there's a problem? Could both of you work together to raise it with her?

You need to address her drinking and she should not be allowed contact with her grand children until she sorts it out. It's not acceptable behaviour and it's dangerous. She needs to get help so needs to go to her GP and get some support

You need to change childcare - she isn't safe to care for your children and your stepfather is condoning what she does.

Please find a support group for yourself so that you can learn about setting boundaries. Yes, she's most likely an alcoholic. No, you can't help her. Only she can, and with an enabler (your stepfather) in her life, it's unlikely that she'll change any time soon. And yes, if she's slurring by 5, chances are she is shortening her lifespan. Getting support for yourself will help you come to terms with that.

I speak as someone who has lived with an alcoholic husband (he died last year) and whose mother turned to alcohol too (she died in May). Going to a support group has kept me sane.