My mother

[Watchingthyme]

So. I don’t know really how to deal with my emotions on this. I guess I am a bit angry and probably very passively aggressively angry at her.

We are on holiday with my perfect sister and my mother. My sister doesn’t work. Never has. Apart from on Saturdays for pin money.

Doesn’t pay any rent or keep of any kind. She’s 28. She is so aggressive and finds fault in everything, moans about everything. Especially on this holiday.

I’m a bit older. Single. Not very happy with life. For a myriad of reasons.

I’ve had therapy. Both my parents were a bit shit. To say the least.
My mum is passive aggressive. Has her favourite. Gets angry. Doesn’t really like me, and was pretty awful to me as a child. I’m not imagining that, it was common knowledge with all my extended family, to the point it’s a joke now.

She’s had a meltdown at me today, I’m not trying hard enough, I’m sulking, I don’t communicate, I don’t suggest anything (why would I when my sister will just be a bitch about it) it’s all my fault.

But I’m sitting here on my own, thinking maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just a shit person, maybe I’m horrible to be around, maybe I sulk and that’s why I’m alone in life.

Yet again I’ve come away feeling like I am the one at fault. Apparently I alienate everyone from my life. I don’t want to. I want a mother that I can love, I just can’t seem to do it. Something just stops me. I feel like I am filled with anger.

I'm not surprised you don't love your mother. It sounds like she treats you horribly.
Unfortunately we can't pick our families. But we can decide later on whether we want to speak to them. I spent a lot of time bemoaning my relationship with my sister before realising it just needed to be no contact. I've been NC with my Dad for 10 years.
It's sad, I would love to have a happy close family but it's impossible the way they are.
It sounds like you need to limit or end contact as well. What are you getting out of this? Maybe it's just the fantasy of what a family "should" be?

Thanks sprites. Thing is, I don’t know if she treats me horribly.
She used to, but even then I think was it just me being a sulky brat.

She’s not as bad as some parents are.
With the whole comment that I alienate people and drive them away, I think she hit a raw nerve there. I don’t want to be difficult, I want to be happy and to give happiness. I don’t know why I can’t.

Also she helps me a lot. Always practical. But none the less.

Hi @Watchingthyme - just a couple of things: does your mum have many friends?

Also - I recently realised that what I thought was a "normal" family dynamic growing up was actually quite abnormal so I have grieved what I thought I had, and realised that it's not what I want to give my DC as they grow. Maybe it's time for you to step back and have a go at adulting in the way in which you feel comfortable, not necessarily in the way you were "adulted" as a child. Does that make sense?

@Watchingthyme, it sounds like you feel confused because you are unhappy with your life and sometimes the criticism you get is in line with negative things you may already think about yourself.
Unfortunately no one is all bad or all good, family relationships are confusing and you end up blaming yourself. I think if you find your peace within you'll be able to assess everything else better.
Have you considered therapy?

Thanks scooby. Yes my mum has lots of friends. She’s very good at being nice to others. Which makes me feel even more crazy. And as I’ve got older, she has tried harder with me. I just block her, I know I do.

I feel deeply uncomfortable being a daughter in a normal way. So I end up being horrible and passive aggressive. And giving monosyllabic answers.

I don’t know why I can’t be a nicer person. I don’t know why I can’t stop being angry.

I think maybe that’s just my personality, just an angry angry moody person. Who can’t even express it properly.

@Someoneontheweb
Yes I think I may be right. I spent years in a deeply unhappy and abusive relationship.
I just stopped talking to anyone, and then I get accused of alienating everyone.

No one cared what I was going through. They only care how my behaviour affects them.

Sorry I think you may be right!!! Is what I meant to set.

Say. Ffs!

Do you want to give some examples of how your mum has been awful to you in the past, and examples of how you might have been "horrible/difficult"? We might be able to see things more objectively.

I really doubt you are at fault thought

Perhaps you would be far happier with a lot of distance between you and your DSis and DM. How is going to help spending time being stuck back in your childhood dynamic?

@FelixFelicis6
Yes. Sorry I realise I am just rambling incoherently.

Today, she told me I’m not trying hard enough. So my sister has been an areshole to everyone - we all tip toe around. And then I’m the one who’s not trying hard enough because I disengaged. And then when this argument happened. I brought that up, she denied saying it. Called me utterly ridiculous. And walked out. I ruin everything apparently.

That example sounds so pathetic. I feel like I’m twelve.

As a child she just didn’t like me, I know it doesn’t sound like anything, but I just never felt liked, I left home as soon as I could. And never went back.

A list of minor comments. About me, about my job, about how ungrateful I am. It’s very hard to put into words. She never neglected me in terms of clothes or food. There just wasn’t anything deeper, no real love. And now I’m the one with issues because I can’t have a deep relationship. Trust me I would like one. I just can’t seem to do it.

My dad, who is a certified areshole loves me more. And that’s saying something.

I would like a happy family. I was in tears a few years ago about the breakdown of my 10 year relationship and how awful and abusive it had been, without me realising, she just walked up to me and said, no one will like you if you cry.

I just feel like a mad person.
And I do distance myself a bit, I just wanted a normal family holiday. I am on my own. But apparently that’s me being an ungrateful Bitch.

Sorry for going on. I realise how pathetic I sound. It’s very hard to articulate

I think you need to read up on toxic parents and distance yoga lot further.

The golden child/scapegoat set up is very toxic and you are still stuck in it. No surprise that you ended up in an abusive relationship

You don’t sound pathetic. You have been raised by people who treated you badly and subjected you to emotional neglect.

It’s not your personality, it’s a normal response to unloving and passive aggressive behaviour that has surrounded you your entire life.

Stop going on holiday with them and seek therapy. Start loving yourself and supporting yourself changing your internal monologue.

Of course you’re angry. Anyone would be angry. You had a fucked up upbringing.

Have some Be kind to yourself. The whole family sound locked in a toxic, gaslight-y dynamic which keeps everyone oppressed in different ways - but you’re the scapegoat.

The way to freedom and happiness is in the opposite direction from them. Build your life and sense of self despite them and without them - if you want to keep them in your life you need to detach in order to be strong enough to see them sometimes.

Yes I understand the golden child scapegoat dynamics.

I guess I just wanted it not to be.

My dad said once, she hated her step children, but I thought she might at least love her own children.

@Watchingthyme, I don't think you are an angry and moody person, maybe you've stopped trying because in the past you've felt that no one was listening? And of course you would have wanted and expected support from your family when you were in an abusive relationship. I imagine growing up knowing your sibling was the favourite will have created feelings of unfairness and anger as well.
It's ok to be angry, but it would be good to find a way to deal with it rather than live with it.
I don't know how bad your relationship with your mother is or what has happened in the past. You say she's trying. Is she aware of how you feel?

Is there any way of getting home early.

This so called 'holiday' sounds wretched.

Just saw your updates, the "no one will like you if you cry" really got to me, that's horrible. I'd say your current behaviour is a very normal response to being treated badly

Sadly no real chance of getting home early, I will apologise. And try harder to pretend to be cheerful. So I’m not an ungrateful grunt.
That’s all I can do for now.

Thanks everyone. Sometimes I genuinely feel like a mad person. Someone so utterly incapable. I’ve stayed for years with someone who was mentally and sometimes physically abusive to me, never enough for it to be really bad. Then I entered into another awful relationship. Which in some ways was worse.

I just feel so ground down. I did therapy for 3 years and I still feel like this. We just went round and round in circles.

Thanks again. It means a lot that people out in the world don’t think I’m as crazy as I feel.

I don't say this to encourage you to be kind of thoughtful to your mother. Only to help you. It sounds like your mother is terrified of any emotional neediness (in herself, in anyone else), and punishes the person for expressing it. Of course that feels rejecting and makes you feel rageful (which is better than the bereft feeling you may be protecting yourself from underneath the rage). This then confirms your mothers views that emotional demands are overwhelming, dangerous and can never feel satisfied. It's a terrible vicious circle. The main approach you could take with her, and it's very hard, both in terms of meaning and practically doing it, is to give up on any hope of her being emotionally supportive and available to you. She doesn't have the capacity in her. That is very very sad, and you deserved more.

The other main thing you could do would be to try more therapy (I know you have already, good for you), specifically brief interpersonal dynamic therapy, affect phobia therapy, or compassion focussed therapy CFT. CFT has lots of free online resources and some great books you could get from a library. Sorry you are suffering. It's not you, you are not toxic for wanting to be cared for.

Don’t go on family holiday any more. You probably need to cut contacts a little bit and have them under control more e.g you always meet your mother in circumstances where you can stop interaction and go away any minute.
Always plan for a shorter contact then you want e.g. you want to go visit parents over Xmas, usually it’s for 3 days, make it 2 this time.
Always have a plan and think about simple topics for conversation like this time I need to ask her about aunt Clara.
Don’t answer mum’s phone calls when you’re upset - make it a rule, she won’t help you so less stress.
And if you’re not happy with what she’s saying about your job / your life/ your clothes - challenge her politely straight away. Tell her that you are not happy (if so) and walk away/put the phone down but don’t bother about each comment, just ignore some of them, thinking : Gosh! It was really stupid of her!
Hope it might help. I’ve tried this with my family because of some issues and it helped a bit.
I think you are ending up being rude because you are keeping all your feelings inside and feel hopeless.

@namechange5575
Thank you. That’s very thoughtful. My main problem is, she’s the one who wants more emotional connection. But it’s like she’s setting me up to fail. I cried tonight in front of her, though I tried hard not to. She just got up and said. I see no point in talking to you. And left.
So I guess I don’t understand what she wants. She feels hurt. But calling me ridiculous over and over doesn’t really help.

@greenlynx
You’re totaly right. I need to not go on holiday any more. If I hadn’t of come on holiday with her and my sis. Then I wouldn’t have had a holiday at all.

I’m fucking 40. WTAF happened to my life!!

I do limit contact. I just get long emails about how I clearly don’t care. And all she does is try, and I’m just cold and a horrible person. I can’t win really.