How much is too much? H helping out ex

[BaggyPantsDance]

Hs ex has a habit of ringing him and asking favours for lots of things. If her boiler breaks, she rings him. If she gets new furniture she asks him to help put it together, if something goes on her car, just generally whenever she needs a favour.

I'm really not someone who wants to get in the way or cause 'issues' but how much of this is too much?

For full disclosure they do have one child together but I wouldn't say they get on very well. They co parent fine but they aren't particularly complimentary about each other and so it's not as though they are friends outside of their child.

She has a brother who lives close by and is apparently seeing someone so I don't really understand the constant need for H to be the one to fix her problems.

It's always said with a lot of entitlement as well like 'you have to do x because otherwise I can't do y' or 'when can you do X because I'm waiting to do y' etc...

He usually makes excuses but then ends up relenting and doing it to get her of his case.

Maybe I'm just being silly but AIBU to think that they aren't together anymore and she needs to get someone else to deal with day to day things like this?

I don't think the ex is the trouble here...it's your DP. He needs to make a stand and stop running back to her.

Their child needs a working boiler and their mum's car, not just the mum. Was the furniture going to used by the dc - ever? I'd be a bit put out if it was the mum's bed he was putting together, but anything else I'm sure also benefits the dc.

It's good co-patenting. It's day to day things that affect HIS child. Who else should be doing it? The uncle? Or she pays someone else?

But things its stuff that he can't really do anything about. The boiler thing, he can't fix a boiler. So all he could do was ring someone. Same with the car.

We also need the same things for the child but it wouldn't be returned if it were the other way around.

Hmm, my ex’s girlfriend hated if I ever asked him for “help”.

Apparently she told him he should not help my on my time - even when I was seriously ill and looking after 3 DC, who I have 70% custody of.

But we still own the house together and share maintenance costs, so before he got with her I used to ask him about things like boilers. Or to help by putting together a new bed for DC etc, rather than paying a handyman.

If we had a good coparenting relationship - which we really don’t now - it would have been nice to be able to ask him for a hand for things like car issues, it would have been a good example for DC.

So, I think it is a good thing if your partner still cares for and respects the mother of his child - if her life is easier then his child’s life is better, surely?

Or are you worried that they still have feelings for each other? Why does it bother you?

Why does it bother you?

It bothers me for a couple of reasons I think, firstly because half the things are just pretty standard things that don't require help (i.e. calling a garage/boiler company to fix something) and secondly because it's expected. There's no gratitude and it's often taking the piss, like when her brother was round but H still used up his evening to build her flat pack furniture etc... It bugs me because that's a couple of hours that he had to waste whilst we could have been having tea at a reasonable time etc... Her brother was there. We'd never ask similar if the roles were reversed and I'm sure we'd be told where to go if we did.

I don't think they still have feelings, it was a long time ago. That's not what worries me. And in response to a PP who mentioned this preventing her moving on, she is seeing someone anyway so surely you'd ask them?

And it's entirely different, they don't own a house together sharing maintenance, they aren't divorced etc... We have the kids half the week every week, they were together 3 years and split 7 years ago now!

He should go round and fix the boiler if he can so his son will not be cold and the car if he can so they have a working car. They could pay for these things to be fixed but then they would have less money and his son may need more money from his father. I don't think he should just stop helping his son because he and his son's mother have split up. His son is still his responsibility. I think it would be nice if more men realised they had this moral responsibility to help their original family out if they are able to. If I left my family I would hope I would help them with anything I could if they asked, not that I can repair cars but help with whatever I could. I wouldn't just leave my children without someone to do whatever it was if I could do it. I would expect my husband to want to help me and our children if we ever split up.

Yes but the point is he can't do that. He can't fix a boiler. All he can do is ring someone to come and do it. Same with the car.

I once had a massive blow up with my ex because I felt he was dancing to his ex-wife's tune. "Fix this!" etc.

It wouldn't have been an issue if I hadn't known he still had feelings and wanted to get back with her.

About 2 weeks after we had a massive showdown about it, ex wife's dad had died and she was driving home for the funeral with DSD in the car and broke down on the motorway. Ex wife called for help.

In this situation I told myself "DSD is in a broken down car on a motorway after attending her grandad's funeral. Of course he needs to help."

The following week it was "The lawn mower isn't working..." and I blew my fucking top.

So why isn't he saying I can't fix a boiler? If he's at her beck and call she is going to rely on him. Your partner needs to tell her to stop ringing him for things that don't involve the child.