What’s wrong with me? I need a hand hold please.

[Blue45]

I have name changed because I feel uncomfortable about being identified from previous threads.

I’m feeling really wretched today. My life feels like it’s unraveling. If you asked me about myself 18 months ago I would have said that I’m a very happy person, good husband, great children, job that I love. I was overweight but that was my only real worry.

Fast forward to today and I’m really quite unhappy. I think I have been living in a weird happy fantasy world in which I have buried all of my relationship anxieties. I’m very good at compartmentalising and burying problems and failing to address them.

Over the last 18 months I have changed massively. Initially it was like I blossomed into a new person. I lost a lot of weight, became more outgoing, started attracting a lot of attention. I was on fire. My happiness levels were soaring.

Then I suffered a loss which I am still struggling to process and get over. I tried counselling but it wasn’t helpful and the counsellor just seemed exasperated with me.

So now I’m trying to work out what’s going on myself. I’m doing a lot of personal development. I think that it will ultimately be good but at the moment I’m just hating myself for not being the strong, happy person that I thought I was. It seems that I’m horribly flawed. I know that I’m a good friend, a relatively good daughter, a good enough mother. But I’m really quite a terrible partner. I have been making the same mistakes over and over again in my relationships.

I don’t feel depressed but I want to have a really good cry. I suppose I want to be saved and loved but I know that only I can save/love myself. I’m fed up of being demonised by myself/society for the kind of person that I am: one who falls love too easily, gets too attached to people, gets hurt.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here but I think I’m hoping for a hand hold through this emotional pain.

Just wanted to handhold. We all expect that working on ourselves will be a beautiful and rewarding experience where things are accepted and dealt with painlessly.

Often working on one's self is traumatic and can open doors to things that have been compartmentised and repressed. Basically pushed down, covered up and ignored. The pain that has been repressed comes out and obviously when that hurt emerges it then needs to be dealt with. That's not a quick process and isnt easy and certainly not without pain. Like breaking a badly set bone that aches to reset it correctly. It hurts more than the long term ache, but in the end the bone is stronger and that ache is gone.

Dear Blue45,

You are doing so well - you only have to keep on. You are now listening to your emotions, and that is huge. You are naming issues - that is huge too. Then all through it, your harsh Inner Critic is nagging on that 'you aren't healed fast enough! Come on, get healed: look, still not healed, useless!'

Tune in instead to your inner child. Get in touch with Little Blue45, who is wounded and leading you to healing. Hold her, tell you will take as much time as she needs. Get to know her in all her aspects. There's an Exercise ('Self Partnering Exercise - half way down the page) in this link that can help you do that blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse-coming-home-to-our-bodies/ You may find the rest of the article helpful too, hopefully. (Ignore the bit about narcissistic abuse if that isn't applicable - the principle applies to anyone with mental health problems IMO)

We can speak so harshly to ourselves, in a way we never would to a friend (or even an enemy) or a beloved child. If you bear in mind your Little Blue45 hears everything you say to yourself - so speak to yourself as you would an injured child.

You wouldn't tell a crying injured child to 'hurry up and be healed - stop crying!' - so don't so that to yourself. Hold hands with your Little Blue45 and be a person who protects her - in doing so you will be protecting yourself.

I have a photo of me as a child under the mirror where I do my hair - to remind each morning I'm carrying her with me. I would ignore my own discomfort - but I don't ignore hers.

Love begins with genuine love of self - an inner voice that is nurturing and caring. You deserve that - so start there. One day you'll realise you are holding your own hand.

So sorry to hear you are struggling. It looks like the loss was a turning point. Do you think that is the case? Are you still struggling with grief?

OP, I lost my grandad 3 years ago. He was horrible I helped care for him in his final years to help my mums and aunties out. But he was an awful person.

But when he died, I was hit like you. It was a slow and horrible death. Even for someone who hurt me as much as him (total bully to everyone and nasty). I was diagnosed with ptsd 6 months ago.

But since he died I felt very much like you. Like everything I though was good wasnt. I came across and old thread the other day. It had posts from me in 2012. I sound so happy, settled etc

The truth is I wasnt. Like you I compartmentalised and believed I was. The blinkers were raised and I realised my marriage was actually an abusive one. As I came through it, the marriage got worse and fell apart.

I have periods where I know logically, I am good person. A good mother, friend, person. But I felt shit at everything.

I tried counselling. It was shit I tried again with someone else earlier this year and it was brilliant. I am out the other side.

I can see my good points and not so good points. I can work on the not so good ones. But they arent horrible. Just not as great as I would like.

Everything was so up in the air and changing I felt, that it was because I wasnr good enough. In fact, things were changing for the better and it's worked out.

I am not suggesting you need to leave tour partner. I did, but that's not the advice. Maybe things need to change or maybe they need to settle down for you. Process your grief and work through things slowly.

But I am interested that you say you arent a good partner and keep making the same mistakes. Can you elaborate? Because I am wondering werher that's actually true or just your perception.

Thanks everyone for your messages. I feel a bit too broken and fragile to reply to everyone separately but I wanted to say that I really do appreciate your comments.