A rant, a vent, support. It's probably over.

[girlsgonetame]

I have posted about this elsewhere but decided to come to the relationships forum as it's a bit more appropriate. This might be long

Full disclosure: I know I'm not blameless. I've been jealous. There's a strong chance I pushed him away. He tried, in the beginning, to reassure me but he's good looking and gets a fair amount of attention from other women (and he loves it!). He's a natural flirt and I'm naturally distrustful. Together, we haven't been good for one another. In the end he's stopped trying and now he just lies to me. To save arguments. To save questions. Because he's really cheating this time? I don't know what's the truth anymore

Within the last year a woman has started working with him (20+ years younger, beautiful, "perfect" according to him). You know where this is going. He says nothing physical has happened but he has developed feelings for her (I have another thread about this if you want to know all the drama, the lies, the details). It is, at this point, irrelevant whether or not he has slept with her, whether or not she is interested in him, whether or not I pushed him to it. He's gone. He walked out last night and he hasn't come back. I'm devastated. I need a distraction. How long does it take from knowing your marriage is over to accepting it and moving on? How long does the hurt last?

I am inclined to believe it is all my fault. I caught them in my kitchen making a cup of tea and I hit the roof... but who stops for a cuppa before a passionate, illicit shag? She says she enjoys his attention, nothing more. He says I've embarrassed him and he can't take it anymore

He left because now the cool, funny, "perfect" woman that he works with won't speak to him because of his crazy wife

I know he has feelings for her now. I know he'd have shagged her if she was interested in him. I know he's done wrong but so have I (I am seeking counselling but I've only had one session). We're just bad together and I don't think that can be fixed. So I think it's really over

And I'm feeling ... everything

You need to separate. You don't trust him and you are both miserable.

He left because now the cool, funny, "perfect" woman that he works with won't speak to him because of his crazy wife

You aren't crazy. He's a massive twat having a mid life crisis and a silly crush on a younger woman. Such a cliche.

He's also admitted to fantasising about her while he's having sex with you.

Him leaving because of being embarrassed in front of her, and her no longer speaking to him shows where his loyalties lie - and it's not with you.

@MarianaMoatedGrange I know. I know we need to end it officially but today I'm just so sad. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm sorting all that stuff out. Today i am eating everything in the house and crying and thinking about "the good times"

And he did say that, didn't he? The bastard. I should remember that, always.

Let yourself be sad. Don't feel any guilt, none of it is your fault.

Yes, you should remember that always. What a disgusting thing for him to say to you. Beyond cruel.

I feel for you and for her. He’s an abject embarrassment.

I am. At least partly. Would this have happened if I hadn't pushed him? Who can say. I'm not blameless. He's not really done anything wrong, not that I can prove. It's all just words.

I don't want to ever allow myself to wonder whether I am to blame again. It's important. I did do things wrong... I need to change if I'm ever going to be happy

And don't feel too sad for her. She knows what she is doing 😂

so sorry OP, read the other thread & thought maybe it could be an innocent cup of tea but if he's admitted feelings then it would be game over for me, the trust is gone.

I think you had every reason to be suspicious and jealous he saved her on his phone as a different name and was secretive with the messages. Which having been there it messes with your head and he has admitted to having feelings for her and thinking about her while you were having sex

The making a cup of tea may well be innocent but given your previous suspicions it made you react. Him leaving because she won’t speak to him now says where his priorities lie

The relationship sounds very unhealthy and best ended asap.

If you have jealousy issues why not consider having some personal counselling before finding another relationship?

@Snog that is the plan 🙂

You did nothing wrong.
What a twat.
No fool like and old fool- your dp.

It's ok ti feel sad.

Let it wash over you.
And then when you're ready.
When you're all cried out - let it go.

And vow never to let him hurt you like that again.

Hugs. You will get there x

Your husband should be fired from his job because of his unprofessional, inappropriate behavior!

He is this 20-something's boss!

She is subordinate to him and he's trampled over the appropriate professional boundaries with his behavior.

She's probably getting worried that all hell is going to break loose now and that he'll decide to fire her as a way of appeasing you. So her job could be sacrificed. .....And yet once again he's trying to blame you, this time for the fact that she's stopped speaking to him.

He's gaslighting you! "Oh, it's your jealousy issues that are ruining the marriage" (what a load of bullshit).

I've read all of your other threads. I already loathe your husband.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor. Do NOT tell your husband that you are seeing a solicitor. Do Not even drop any hints about solicitors/divorce. If you do, your husband will probably start trying to hide money as a way of screwing you over during the divorce process. I know other people on the other threads have advised you to start gathering any and all financial documents that you can get your hands on. Do it! Do not tip him off that you're doing it.

So sorry your in this position op

He's pissed because his little fantasy bubble has been burst, a fantasy is only as good as the secrecy that surrounds it, probably true of her too.

She's got a marriage to protect, she sounds like she might have been dick teasing him out of boredom, and now hopefully she's sacked him off.

None of this is on you, she will find another sad old fart to tease and move on, meanwhile his got no 'on a possible promise with her' to look forward to, and no one at home to wash his smalls either.

What a pillock, this is his own petard, hoist him on it a bit higher 💐

Oh god, stop blaming yourself for this! He is letching over a woman 20 years younger than him...how old is he? OK - you know if you're a naturally distrustful person and it sounds like you're doing the positive thing by starting counselling. But he has behaved horribly towards you. I'm very much of the opinion that men can have completely platonic friendships with women and vise versa but on this occasion, he told you that he finds her attractive - no "perfect". That is really off and to say he's fantasising about her whilst having sex with you (is that in your other thread - sorry didn't see where that came from) is really nasty and bloody bound to make any person feel insecure and jealous. The cup of tea could have been anything - it was seeing them cosying up and knowing all that your partner has told you about his feelings that tipped you. I know it's easy to say but you are well rid of him. Try to see the positives in this and go forwards - he is no good x

girls gone tame, I highly recommend the blog called chumplady.com. I don't know how to do a direct link but just Google "chumplady.com" and you'll find it.

You should read chumplady every day. There is a huge archive of blog entries and hundreds of reader comments below each blog entry, just scroll down. You can post comments and you'll get a lot of support and good advice.