Friendships - not sure if I’m in the wrong

[Anxiousnance]

Hi,
Genuinely asking for advice here as I just don’t know.
New username, identifying stuff in previous posts in this context.
Partner of three years has a very close friend of the opposite sex.
They had a romantic thing for a short while before we got together.
For background they text, FaceTime and call a lot but I think not in a romantic way - it seems as friends.
They’ve talked about me in the past negatively which was upsetting. Me and DP broke up for a bit but worked through it.
I let them meet up etc but in my head feel off agout it.
Anyway, partner and friend got given free overnght trip to do with a shared hobby.
Means staying in room together for just one night.
Despite reassurances big days long argument happened, I said I felt uncomfortable basically, he said I was being unreasonable, I ended up walking out of our shared flat for a bit to cool down.
Anyway, he cancelled with her. I now feel incredibly guilty and like I’m in the wrong and being bad.
He has loads of other female friends but I just get a bad feeling about this one. Is this weird? I didn’t want him to not go on the trip but just introduce me to her more first (trip is in December).
It just feels off the constant texting, past stuff that’s happened...

I think if you've split up over issues because of her in the past, if they had any desire to be together they would have used that opportunity to do so. But you guys worked through it. So I wouldn't be concerned about the friendship.

The night away sounds like the offer was beyond their control and not masterminded to allow them to spend a night together with your blessing? But that said, rightly or wrongly, I don't think I would find it appropriate DH sharing a room with another woman. Going away due to shared hobby, fine, but sharing a room I'd be uncomfortable with I think. Can they not get an extra room?

As for meeting up with her more prior to attending, I'd say you either trust him or you don't. Meeting her wont make a difference. It might be nice if he'd suggested that, but if they're going to cheat I'm not sure you meeting her more would make much of a difference.

Thanks for this, I think this is very valid points.
I just feel uncomfortable about it but maybe I need to chill.
It was a gift so only one room btw

If you are uncomfortable about it you are well within your rights to say so. I would find it odd that people of the opposite sex would share a room especially if they have previously had a ‘thing’ together.
Could they not book another room?

The club I belong to associated with my hobby occasionally books something involving an overnight stay, but there's no way that the organisers would expect people of the opposite sex to share a room unless they were a couple.

Sorry OP, but I smell a rat here.

My ex did this. They're now an item. Actually, they were getting with each other right under my nose in the form of an EA when we had just had a baby. Oh, how fun that was.

If there's been romantic feelings before and they still talk all the time, there's a high chance those feelings could resurface. But go with your gut. That's always the best place to start.

I don't find it particularly suspicious in terms of booking the room, it's so far off in the future I think if it were orchestrated by them it would be orchestrated much sooner. But putting myself in their shoes, I have a couple of good Male friends that I chat with a lot, one from work. In theory I wouldn't have an issue sharing a room (single beds) with him as we don't have any attraction there and my biggest concern would be that he'd snore. However, he (work colleague but a friend as well), I and another female work colleague are going away with work soon. It was an event we all wanted to go to and we are all good friends. In a bid to secure a place and get it approved by our boss the female and I offered to share to save costs. It would never occur to me to say I'd share with him if it were just the two of us as it just feels a bit inappropriate and as much as DH trusts me, I feel I wouldn't be comfortable asking him nor would it be respectful to expect him to be ok with it.

So I think he's being quite discourteous expecting you to be ok with it. Particularly given their history. Is there any reason they couldn't go directly to the hotel to book another room?

Thanks so much.
I think my issue is not that I fear he’s going to cheat (it’s in my head, but it’s not the main thing).
It’s more the emotional side of it, it just feels a bit disrespectful of my feelings.
He was very nasty about me to her as well and it’s made me feel like an outsider in my own relationship in that context.
They act very couply too posting pics like hugging - so I don’t think it’s a physical thing but I worry about emotional connotations

The posting of pics sounds really odd. He does sound quite disrespectful of how you feel.

At the end of the day, something I've come to realise lately is that we each have our own personal boundaries that we feel are appropriate in a relationship. You largely can't help how you feel, and unless that boundary is abusive it's ok to feel that way and expect that boundary to be respected. If the other party in the relationship feels it is unreasonable, that too is ok, as you can usually put forward both sides of the argument and both would sound fair. But if you can't reach a compromise somewhere in the middle so that both parties are happy then perhaps you arent compatible. You shouldn't have to compromise on a perfectly reasonable request like "please don't post photos on social media of you hugging another woman". Yes, others will say it's ok, but it's not ok to you, and there's a reasonable argument as to why not. And that's ok. I think if you cant agree on the basics that make you feel secure and comfortable (on both sides) though, and you stick together, you're in for a rough ride.

I think an honest conversation is called for, one in which you ask him to imagine himself in your position, put names to it - how would you feel if I did X with my good friend Simon? If he thinks he'd be ok, and genuinely means it, maybe you arent well matched. Then it's up to you to decide if you can compromise to his way of thinking. I'm in your camp though and I would feel a bit of a fool or would brace myself for being made a fool of. And I've been there, it isn't a nice way to feel in a relationship.