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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To leave my husband but not want to hurt him

3 replies

astressedoutmum1011 · 21/08/2019 13:25

I'm a huge pushover and always have been and have been tying to leave my oh for 6 months. He does not tell me he loves me unless it's a 'love ya' responding to me, he will only initiate sex in a very abrupt unromantic manner, he claims that he is depressed but will make no personal changes yet I am catering to him as to try and not upset him.

I like him as a person but I don't feel like I am in love with him. I find myself not wanting to spend time with him otherwise we just sit watching telly all day unless I take the kids out on own. I understand that he has mental health problems but he needs to take some personal responsibility. He will not have a conversation about improving the relationship and will just want to storm out of the house with his bags. At the start of the relationship we had a massive falling out and he claimed he would kill himself when I caught him cheating on me and that's always stuck with me, to make matters worse 2 years after that my nan who I viewed as a second mum killed herself with prescription drugs and alcohol and I missed her call that she tried to make to me hours before. This has given me massive ptsd and a massive fear of losing people. I'm stuck

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 21/08/2019 13:34

Let's just look at facts here.

At the START of the relationship he cheated.
He emotionally blackmailed you into staying with empty threats of suicide.
He's shit at sex.
You've told him you're unhappy but he doesn't care enough to change his behaviour.
He won't have an adult conversation about the relationship.
You have no social or leisure life together.
You don't love him. (and he certainly doesn't love you)
You have a background of loss through addiction, so you have been accustomed to people blaming you for their behaviour and emotionally manipulating you.

Get some counselling (on your own)
Leave him
Set your children a better example than you received growing up
They deserve more than this, and so do you Flowers

HollowTalk · 21/08/2019 13:36

He cheated on you and told you he'd kill himself if you dumped him?

Those were two very good reasons to leave him right from the beginning.

SnowdropFox · 21/08/2019 13:51

Sorry op its nearly impossible not to hurt someone when you leave them. It sounds like the best thing for you to do for yourself though. He needs help with his mental health and controlling behaviour. With you he'll never do that as it's easier to go with the stats quo.

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