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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me work out what is going on with my husband

37 replies

Lacebug · 21/08/2019 09:12

My marriage is in a terrible state and I am deeply unhappy and anxious. A lot of my stress is caused by H and I am so confused by his attitude and denial of any wrongdoing on his part. It feels to me as though he is totally divorced from his emotions and refuses to acknowledge that his behaviour might impact on me.

I know I am biased and this is solely my viewpoint but when we first met he gave the impression that he was a reasonably motivated person who enjoyed travel and had his own business. As we got to know one another we talked about how much we had enjoyed visiting Italy (separately before we met) and how it would be lovely to go there together one day in the future. He told me that he hadn't gone to university despite wanting to, because his parents would not support him while he did so, I found this a bit strange as his two siblings who are both very close in age to him did get a university qualification and one was a student for about 12 years.

I think part of my confusion may be because we are different nationalities, although I understand my female friends who are the same nationality as him perfectly well. I did think it was a bit strange that he was still renting a flat when he was in his mid 30s but probably because I suffer from massively low self-esteem I agreed to marry him. I had doubts while we were engaged but stupidly went ahead with the marriage as I didn't want to let people down.

I have discovered that he is completely incapable of doing anything for himself, all of his travel in the past had been facilitated by the people he travelled with, the reason he didn't go to university despite the fact that he could have obtained a full grant, was because he couldn't be bothered and chose to get a minimum wage job and live with his mates.

Basically he is helpless, he earns a pittance and gradually we have got poorer and poorer. I earn a reasonable amount in a professional job but we are on a downward spiral and I am terrified we will end up homeless. When I try and articulate my fears he won't listen and he has this peculiar Walter Mitty like attitude where he talks about maybe buying a holiday home in the country. When I ask where the money would come from he can't answer.

OP posts:

Parent999 · 21/08/2019 09:15

What do you need OP? I dont see a question, you know what you have to do right?

Original poster

Lacebug · 21/08/2019 09:19

I was looking for some insight into his behaviour.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 21/08/2019 09:19

OP, you don’t need permission from Mumsnet to get divorced! You had doubts from before you even married, and they have unfortunately been realised.
Go and see a solicitor and discuss your legal and financial position, before things get any worse.

Pukkaupp · 21/08/2019 09:21

It sounds like laziness and entitlement to me. He’s never going to change if he won’t listen to you. He’s shown you who he is. Have you got kids together?

madcatladyforever · 21/08/2019 09:23

You don't need any insight into his behaviour, he will never change, not ever.
What you need is to start divorce proceedings and get therapy for your low self esteem.
You will end up on the street if you stay with this loser...sorry but it has to be said.

TenPastFugit · 21/08/2019 09:24

Do you have DC? Either way you need to call time on this. Men like this get lazier as they get older so this will only get worse. Leave and divorce now. Every day you delay is a wasted day. Choose life.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/08/2019 09:25

It's called being a lazy fuckwit.
He is expecting everyone else to sort everything out for him.

You married him even though you had doubts.
You made a mistake.
Now rectify that mistake.

What is your living situation?
Do you own a house? Mortgage?
Do you rent?

He will never change.
So stop expecting that to happen.
Move on with your life and find someone who is dynamic and motivated.
Your lazy arse DH will never be like that.
File for divorce and move forward.
Life is way too short for this crap.

SouthernComforts · 21/08/2019 09:26

He sounds like he's got a massive ego without the intelligence or motivation to do anything with his life. He sounds lazy, useless and he's looking for an easy ride in life (via your wage). But you know all this..

Original poster

Lacebug · 21/08/2019 09:27

No DC luckily, sadly the comments so far reflect my gut feeling but I am not sure I have the courage to do it.

OP posts:

Moondancer73 · 21/08/2019 09:31

You have two choices - fund the courage and leave or stay and end up homeless. Call me harsh but it's a no brainer from where I'm sitting. Men like him never change - I've been where you are, he's now my exh. Do it now!

Windygate · 21/08/2019 09:31

He reeled you in with a web of lies and now he's living off you. Leeches like him will suck you dry and then discard you. You admit you don't have the strength to end the marriage and he knows it. Sorry to be so cynical but you need to think long and hard.

FuriousVexation · 21/08/2019 09:32

He sounds like my cousin. He's 40 and still lives at home with his parents. Has never moved out and still has the job his mum got him when she begged a favour off the place she worked at the time, 20 years ago. He hates the job but won't look for anything else. He has this fantasy of moving to Australia but has never travelled outside the UK. Cannot do anything for himself. Won't make doctors appointments etc unless someone books it and takes him. Won't learn to drive.

He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but I suspect he also has ASD. He has meltdowns if his routine is disrupted. (We don't know if there's a family history as he's adopted - but my family of origin is also incredibly dysfunctional so it could be learned behaviour taken to extremes. My aunt also has meltdowns... she once got off the bus at the wrong stop so had to walk an extra 200yds and from then on refused to use public transport, ever.)

Your H sounds slightly more functional in that he's managed to seek out a relationship and marry you, but I'd suspect you did all the organising of that?

I see you have talked to him about his behaviour and he simply refuses to listen or address the issues. You're not obliged to stay in this relationship and basically parent him. You can leave at any time and for any reason. I would go, because I want a relationship with a competent adult.

Bananalanacake · 21/08/2019 09:34

could you afford a mortgage on your own. you need to get out. no man is worth making you unhappy.

Spudina · 21/08/2019 09:45

I agree with what everyone else is saying on the whole. However, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with him renting a flat. In the UK, we are a nation of home owners, but if you travel abroad, renting is more common. There are several downsides to home ownership, and not owning a home in itself is not bad. Similarly, not everyone wants or needs a university education. But, you use these in context of a general pattern of lazy fuckwit behaviour, of which I'm sure there are many more examples. Essentially, you are both incompatible. He could step up briefly, I suspect, if you really had serious words. But he would probably slip back in to old ways, and will probably resent you for wanting to change him. (Sorry for long post.) Life is short. Get out and find someone who shares your values.

zippey · 21/08/2019 09:47

I’m inclined to agree with previous posts. It’s like he is a parasite and he will only ever drag you down.

Changing his ways at this stage in life will be almost impossible. Especially if he won’t acknowledge the difficulties you express.

You’ll probably find that you will get the courage to leave once the final straw has been broken. That might be months or years from now. But it’s inevitable.

Dinoctoblock · 21/08/2019 09:49

Don’t waste your life in this situation.

DishingOutDone · 21/08/2019 10:04

Are you in the UK and how long have you been married? Just thinking what your rights would be. Hopefully if its just a rented flat you can leave and get your own place - do you have any family or friends you can stay with for a while?

NotJustACigar · 21/08/2019 10:05

I have known a few men like this- they are losers/sad sacks who need to latch on to a competent woman to support them and try to chivvy them along. There is nothing in it for the woman in this situation who eventually get fed up (and depressed) and end up leaving. I think you should get out of this marriage now without wasting more of your life on this guy (when you do, he will claim everything is your fault but no one who knows him will believe him). Let his parents deal with him.

cacklingmags · 21/08/2019 10:05

Leave this waster before you get pregnant and end up living in poverty with your children.

JamdaniSari · 21/08/2019 10:12

He sounds like one of those people who have big dreams, know how to talk the talk and have absolutely nothing to back it up. People like that don't change.

AlaskanOilBaron · 21/08/2019 10:15

Sorry but you need to cut him loose.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/08/2019 10:20

Realise your worth.
Realise that life is short.
Realise you can and will do better than this lazy twat.
Then pull up your big girl pants and get him gone.
It's not difficult OP.
It may feel like it now - but once you tackle the first hurdle you will feel the weight lift from your shoulders as your life improves immeasurably.
You've wasted enough time on this loser.
Time for you now.
Get out there and grab life.

Troels · 21/08/2019 10:34

Why do you need insight into his behaviour? Are you planning to try and fix him? His parents couldn't do it, whay would you?
If you stay it will carry on, the downward spiral into eventual homlessness as you put it.
It's time to cut your losses and move on with your life without being tied to this large anchor of a man. He'll drown you eventually.

nearlynermal · 21/08/2019 10:40

OP, be very careful of the financial implications of staying. I'm no expert, but if you're married under English law and you have more assets/earnings, the longer you're with DH the more you risk having to pay him. A friend of mine had to give up part of her pension pot to pay out her deadbeat husband.

Blondebakingmumma · 21/08/2019 10:41

He’s taken the path of least resistance his whole life. He thinks he has it easy now he has you to sort everything out.

This isn’t an equal partnership. Sorry, I wouldn’t respect him enough to stay

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