To ugly to ask her out?

[DracarysThis]

There's a women who works in my office building, let's call her "Pauline". She's always chatty, polite and she's beautiful as well; she's really just an all round nice person.

I've left my DH and looking to strike out on my own. I've never been with anyone else and have never done the whole dating thing, never mind with another woman before. I'm scared to ask her out - I know she's dated women, but I fear the rejection. DH always told me I was fat, ugly and looked hideous. Should I take the plunge? Or will I spend my days on my own?

You ask her out for a coffee and see what happens.

I had this with my ex. When I got back on the dating scene it was illuminating to discover I was none of the things my ex said. Go and enjoy.

I wouldn't

There’s lots of guys out there who get a kick out of putting their partners down. Sounds like your ex was one of them

I’d ask her for a coffee definitely but I’d get myself in the right headspace first. One rejection does not mean that you will be alone forever. It happens to the best of us and often is no reflection on the person.

You sound really nice and you deserve to be happy. Go for it and if it doesn’t work out you have still taken a really important step on the path by putting yourself out there

Rubbing why on earth not? Not terribly helpful just to say "No" and give no further explanation.

OP, you left your H (no D for him) presumably for a good reason, so why would you trust his assessment of your looks? I'm sure it was in his interests to try to convince you that you were too hideous to ever find anyone else so you'd be better off staying with him, but if you really were all the things he said then why did he marry you in the first place?

Re Pauline... you could ask her to go and get lunch, but I think with colleagues it depends on how closely you work with them. I would only ask out a member of my own team if I was absolutely convinced they were interested, otherwise it could lead to a lot of awkwardness in the event of a rejection. If she's just someone who you see around but she's on a different team, then sure, why not?

Even if she does turn out not to be interested, it doesn't mean you're ugly or hideous or whatever else, just that you're not her type. Don't let it put you off ever trying again with other people.

I bet you aren't ugly. I was amazed on leaving my husband to find I am a sexy and desirable woman. Men actually want to date me and have sex with me.... mind blown!!!!!!!!

Maybe try and befriend her first before asking her out. See if she fancies a coffee and get to know her a bit, then see how things go

I doubt very much that you're ugly.

Do you think she may have feelings for you? How closely do you work together?

If she does say no, I wouldn't take it as a sign that you're ugly, it's more likely that she just doesn't see you in that way. In fact if someone super attractive asked me out I'd run a mile because I wouldn't feel good enough, so it might be that you're too attractive for her!

Are you sure she's into women?

Just be friendly with Pauline. You're vulnerable at the moment and must protect yourself.

I'm sure you aren't ugly btw. People say 'orrible things to each other sometimes, they don't always mean them and they are certainly not always true.

I wish you well .

I wouldn't, but only because you work in the same building.
I've done the dating someone I worked in the same building as but not directly with, we tried to keep it out of work, but our colleagues got wind and it became a subject of gossip and people started to get invested in my personal life. I hated it, it was worse when we broke up. Spoiler I left.

But then if you don't mind that, go for it.

I would just be friendly for now; purely because you work with her and if it doesn't work out, it could be awkward at work (I'd say exactly the same if you were thinking about asking out a bloke).

But I bet you're not 'ugly' at all; you just have a horrible ex!

Depends on the size of your office and how closely you work with her, for me.

I would never date anyone in the same department, or with whom I needed to work closely on projects etc.

But if you are, for example, in HR and she works in, e.g., IT support, then I don't think there's any harm in asking her for a coffee. If you don't directly work together then she will get that you're interested but not pushy :)

Oh and I'd also guess you're not ugly at all!! And I have to say women are far less shallow in my experience at seeing the beauty in every human being rather than going "Ewww they've got sticky out ears".

What’s you policy at work, where I work if a pair have a relationship they end up resigning, being made redundant. Not really sure of the reasons and legality behind it though.

I prefer to keep colleagues and relationships separate so it’s a no from me.

I’m sure you’re not ugly by the way! Don’t let his spite influence your life from now on.

How well do you know her? Does she flirt with you?

I’d try to get friendly with her first and see whether or not you get on and try and get the lay of the land as to whether she might be interested in you as anything more than a colleague or friend. Also, and this is possibly a very personal projection, but as an openly bisexual woman I do find it a little odd when female colleagues who were previously in solely heterosexual relationships suddenly start making bicurious moves on me; it can feel as if because they know I like women, I’m going to be automatically receptive to any woman’s advances iyswim. Be careful it doesn’t come across like that.

Regardless, whether this woman or anyone else in the future, don’t be put off approaching somebody because your ex-h put you down. What he said is very unlikely to be true.