Co-parenting difficult now he has new girlfriend

[G389]

When we split up exh and myself agreed that dc’s would always come first when we met new partners and that we wouldn’t introduce the dc’s to new partner until many months down the line and only once we were sure of that person and wanted a relationship with them etc. We have been co-parenting quite well for the past few years. For example if dc’s had problems at school we would ring each other to discuss things. We would also take the dc’s into each other’s houses to drop them off/pick them up.

Fast forward to now and things are considerably different. Exh met someone new who he seems more serious about than his past girlfriends. We don’t really talk about who we have dates with etc as we lead separate lives and have done for years.

What’s bothering me is that from what I can make out he had only known this woman about one/two months before he introduced her to the children. She visits his house quite often whilst the dc are there and stays over. For some reason he kept her quiet and didn’t mention her to me until months later even though every week I would see him when he dropped the dc’s off. We don’t have set days when he sees the dc’s each week because of his job but since he has met her he let’s me know very last minute when he will be seeing them. He uses work as an excuse when really he is taking time out from when he would see the dc’s to see her. He has always given me the minimum amount of money for maintenance but now he hardly treats the dc’s or buys them clothes.

Obviously he is entitled to his own life and good luck to him but because he is last minute letting me know when he is picking up dc’s it is difficult for me to make my own plans. Maybe it’s insecurity on my part but I feel as though now he has a ‘proper’ girlfriend and he is playing happy families with her he is pushing me away from the co-parenting situation that we had. He has always said that he would put the dc’s first. When I try to talk to him about it he just cuts me off and walks away. I said to him that I have a right to know who my dc’s are spending time with and he said I was being selfish!

The main thing is the dc’s seem to get on with her. I don’t think they talk to her much as they are in their bedroom or out with friends. I do feel restless and uneasy when they are with exh and her as I wonder how they are getting on. Sorry for the long post but didn’t want to drip feed. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you deal with it?

Anyone??

No ideas but I’ll bump this up active for you

The rules and agreements you made together, he only ever intended for them to apply to you. Ironically, if you attempt to move a man in even 2 years after you begin dating, he will still likely kick off. That's just how these ones operate.

He was all about the coparenting before because he needed your labour. I sense that he thinks he now has a new domestic appliance right about to be installed and so has dismissed you.

You now know he it (and he) is going to be. Proceed accordingly.

The issue for you to address is the need to arrange consistent access that can be planned around the children’s lives with you.

This may not be easy but it will be doable. Even shift work is planned in advance and therefore he knows when he will be free.

I would ask him to send you his availability as soon as he knows it for arrangements to be agreed. This will be a start and is the issue you need to focus on. There’s no need for chats or anything, just ask for a copy of his shift pattern.

As to the co parenting relationship, well it was bound to change. He has fallen for someone and most people behave irrationally when infatuated. It settles.

I had something a little similar but unfortunately not as lucky to co-parent as you.
I do feel a little put in the middle sometimes between my partner and my ex. Current partners can often want to feel prioritised and it can be a balancing act. Unfortunately the truth is, him and his new partner [admittedly maybe too soon] may well be a family. As will you and your new partner. Its not easy, I feel a little burn when I learn of family days out my ex has with child and new partner. It seems you had a good co-parenting attitude before and I cannot stress how important it is to keep that. But as circumstances change, so must expectations.
Unfortunately you and your ex have no rights to know what is happening when the children are in the other parents care. So I would suggest a softly approach, maybe even write him a letter and express how you feel?

How old are the children?
Regardless there is little to nothing you can do about it. My ex moved in with a woman and had the kids over to stay before I know, they were tiny at that time like pre school kids. But there was nothing I could do apart from make sure my home was a safe place for them.
Only thing you could do is explain how difficult it is for you have such little notice. But personally I wouldn't say you think it's to do with the other woman, as this won't go down well. Does he get his work rota a could of weeks before hand or anything?

OP, I'm afraid you sound jealous.
You have absolutely no right to know about his relationships, and vice versa. You've had flexible arrangements over childcare, which actually some people on here would say is unsettling for the children, but worked for you. Now you think that he's factoring in seeing his gf and you're not happy. Hence your reference to the 'playing happy families' So, what you should do is tell him you need to have fixed arrangements moving forward.
Co parenting doesn't mean living in each other's pockets. You've got to respect each other's privacy. Stop going into each other's houses!

You need to separate your feelings about his new relationship which seems to be more significant than past ones and what's best for the kids. He's entitled to be with someone and take the view about the best time to introduce them to the kids.

Agree with pp that in the past the flexibility has suited you. If it doesn't now, take steps to change it but be careful of upsetting the apple cart because you're feeling put out.

The thing is he is the one who organises the rota at work. He has to cover if members of his staff are absent. Which is fair enough and happens now and again. For most of this year though he has given me less and less notice of which two days per week he will be seeing the dc’s. Last week he told me the day before and I feel beholden to him telling me when. I usually end up dropping my plans or what usually happens is I don’t bother making any anymore as I only let people down. I feel as though I am a convenient babysitter for him as and when and he just shrugs his shoulders and says ‘ I can’t help it, it’s work’. I feel as though he still has a hold over me with the finances too.

I’ve had legal advice and the solicitor said it’s unlikely that a judge could pin him down to two specific days per week. The kids get the same answers from him as I do and can’t plan days out with their friends. Unfortunately I’m not working atm so can’t fund a solicitor.

It doesn’t sound very fair for you; I’d let him know that from now on you’re going to make plans and so will the children and if that happens to fall on the day he wants to see them then unfortunately he won’t be able to/will have to work around whatever plans you’ve made. You can’t live your life around his work schedule and the children will start resenting it more and more.
I find it odd that it’s so changeable: I get that he has to cover people but couldn’t he have a vague routine?
In terms of the new girlfriend there’s not really much you can do I’m afraid. I met my DSDs mum once I was spending lots of time with DSD (just a quick cup of tea at drop off) and it’s worked well as she then felt more comfortable with me. She didn’t do the same when she got a new partner though and we couldn’t do anything about that.

If I say I have made plans or ds’s have made plans exh says ‘don’t stop me from seeing my kids’. Which I’m definitely not and wouldn’t. I have always said to him that the kids need more stability though.

I admit I do worry about the kids and how his new girlfriend is with them but I don’t think I’m jealous. Since we split up I have been dating and had a relationship. I’m glad exh has moved on. I’ve been feeling really stressed as I am trying to juggle interviews and courses atm too. I would love to settle down with someone myself but don’t see how this is possible atm.

Tell him you have plans if he says dont stop me seeing my kids say I'm not I HAVE PLANS text him once a week FYI I have plans with the children on xyz days or the children have plans with their friends on xyz days and let him work around you if he moans tell him you cant stop living life because of the job he choses to do will he threaten court? Probably but as soon as he does say great! The children and I would love set times and days just like we have been asking for.....he really has no where to go he either gives more notice or goes to court and gets given set times 🤷‍♀️

"If I say I have made plans or ds’s have made plans exh says ‘don’t stop me from seeing my kids’. "

"If you don't see your kids its because YOU'VE stopped yourself from seeing them, not me. We are not all going to sit around waiting for you to deign to maybe drop by."

I have told him before that the dc’s have things arranged so he texts them and they drop their plans. Last week he told them he would pick them up at 2.30pm at lunchtime he texted dc and said 3pm. Youngest dc was still out playing at his friends house so exh wasn’t suited and sent eldest dc to me to see what was going on. I messaged friends mum to send youngest dc home but she didn’t reply so I asked eldest dc to say to him to wait a few minutes while I went to get youngest dc. Whilst I was walking round the corner exh drove off in a rage. Five minutes later youngest dc arrived at my house and I messaged eldest dc and they drove back to my house to pick him up! All exh had to do was wait five minutes and he would have saved himself a carry on. I wanted to text exh to say don’t get in a rage with the dc’s it wasn’t their fault it was yours but didn’t want to make things worse. He was controlling when we were married. I know that I will have to have contact with him still because we have dc’s together but still feel as though he does these things to keep a hold on me and the dc’s. I’m keeping my distance from him now and told him to pick the kids up outside and he doesn’t need to come into the house. The dc’s are getting used to that now. They asked why he couldn’t come into the house and I said he didn’t need to. Sorry for the long posts, will try to make them shorter.

Yes the new girlfriend isn’t your issue he is still controlling you

You are beholden at all. Document everything and ask for 48hrs minimum notice

Sometimes meeting a new person forces certain things to come to light for the good - it serves you no good to be pandering to your ex’s inability to schedule his time reliably for the children. When you break up it takes time to form new routines so it’s always best to start as you mean to continue. On occasion there may be certain routines/habits that need to be reassessed because they just don’t fit in when someone new comes onto the scene as a bf/gf. Especially as this is the 1st time. Before maybe working around his schedule felt ok - however now he is seeing someone more seriously those things understandably start to grate. It is quite common in my experience for divorced/separated men to secretly still like their ex continuing to do all kind of unnecessary wife work ! Then once he has a girlfriend you obviously feel put out & used. This is a good opportunity to review how much slack you give him.

For whatever reason he decided quickly this person was serious & it is arguably better for the kids to have a regular female there rather than a stream of casual hookups. At least it sounds like there is stability when they do visit him & no issues with her as a person.

It sounds like some old habits die hard, like accomodating him too much & you will need to be bold & own your time more. The set days you should be able to sort out quite cheaply via mediation, because they discuss those things there if there are disagreements on how to co-parent / % splits.

If you are able to be more relaxed about this situation, when you meet someone then he should in theory afford you the same courtesy. If you trust him to look after the kids on his own then you are trusting his Judgement as a parent on who are suitable people for them to be around.

These things happen, they always will. Frankly if people had a truly perfect co-parenting relationship then they would likely still be together. As any parent, my plans have to change often for child's activities etc. Unfortunately they have to also change when the ex is being belligerent, I just try to remember that the sacrifices are for child and NOT THE EX.
Thankfully we have a court order that she has to abide by but like most spiteful ex's she still finds a way to twist it to her advantage.

These are the consequences of me choosing the wrong person to have children with Im afraid.

You can’t do anything about his decisions with respect to contact between his girlfriend(s) and the DC, so would set that aside and not bring it up at all.

Would seek to address the contact issues through a more formal arrangement, perhaps using mediation.

I think it is unreasonable to ask him to wait outside when he collects the DC. Because that isn’t nice for your DC. And isn’t going to help the situation.

I’ve asked him to wait outside as he has started getting aggressive towards me now that I am putting more boundaries in place. I don’t want the dc’s to see his behaviour. I think in the past I have been too accommodating compared to other people. I thought it was easier on the dc’s but in hindsight I can see how he played on it.

He didn’t have the best of childhoods (that would be another thread) so I am wary of who he leaves the children with when he gets called back to work in a hurry. One of his family members favours one of my children over the other and buys lots of treats for one and completely disregards the other. Praising one and putting the other down.

How much money would mediation cost roughly? With being out of work atm I just about pay the bills. Atm he is trying to get out of a divorce settlement and I can’t afford anymore legal advice.

To be honest it would have been best to stay out of each others houses from the start. What if you get a new partner, that could get very awkward.
Anyway mediation can be free if means tested. Otherwise its roughly £80 an hour each with an initial half hour one to one with mediator being about £50.
If mediation fails you will both have the ability to file for a child arrangements order.
If his job genuinely requires such flexibility, and he loves his kids, then he will likely want to avoid the rigidity of a court order.

I would suggest a gently worded email first, get someone to proof read it. I must say that going through court is horrendously combative. I was somewhat naive when first going through court but it naturally pits ex's against each other. Try everything you can, at least you can say youve tried before going a more official route.

Thanks for the heads up re meditation Parent999. Ironically I was seeing someone for a couple of years and exh met him. My then boyfriend suggested that they meet when exh dropped dc’s off as he said if it was him he would want to meet the person his kids would be spending time with. I had actually spoken to exh and mentioned that I had been seeing someone for a while and did he think the dc’s would be ok meeting him.The only reason we ended things was because he lived a long distance away and I didn’t want to uproot the dc’s and they wouldn’t see there Dad as much. Interestingly exh wasn’t too bad at co-parenting at that time. I think I must seem naive about it all now. I really wish life was easier. Been getting me down tbh.

Anyway I will look into meditation. Seems like a good option. Thanks for all your posts everyone.

how to coparent when there could be a new partner?

me and my ex broke up 4 months ago. i found out today that he has been seeing someone for 3 months. we share a 1 year old together. i made it clear that i wouldn’t feel comfortable having my child be around someone who she doesn’t really know. i don’t want my child getting attached and then it not working out and suddenly that person isn’t in her life anymore.

i said i wouldn’t feel comfortable feel the same way about introducing a potential partner of mine. i told him that if it does become serious and he wants to introduce them just to give me the heads up for peace of mind. i really do hope that she is nice and good with my kid but also i can’t help but feel that feeling of “what if she tries to overstep boundaries?”

i think i just need some help from mums who are coparenting to the best of their abilities.

I’d start your own thread as you may just get responses to the OPs 7 year old query x