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Original poster

Divorced Dads and holidays with kids

50 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2019 19:13

Hi - just wanting some views please. If you are divorced, how many of your exH’s weeks holidays do you expect him to spend with his kids? Say for example you get 25 days a year. Or if you are a divorced Dad how many of your weeks off do you spend looking after your kids/taking them away?

Just wondering if any exW out there would ever be ok with 1 or 2 weeks being used to go away with friends/girlfriend?

Thanks

OP posts:

Angrybird123 · 20/08/2019 19:33

It's just practicality. The kids need to be cared for. Why should it fall more on one than the other? If you want to go away with your new partner you either go in term time and ask your ex very very nicely to cover an extra weekend or you go for weekend breaks on the weekends you don't have the kids, but basically no, if you don't have enough annual leave to cover half the kids holidays and have some spare you can't go.

Littleduckeggblue · 20/08/2019 19:34

I know I'll get flamed but I don't care. IMO if we are only allowed the kids 2 nights a week then that goes for during the kids holidays aswell. Obviously willing to have them a couple of extra nights but not obliged to have them "half" of the school holidays. Sorry but we'd love to be the residential parents but their mother is so therefore she can sort childcare out for the holidays when it's not our days.

Angrybird123 · 20/08/2019 19:35

Bearing in mind that of you're away that childcare will need to be 24 hours so you're talking grandparents rather than daycare.

OllyBJolly · 20/08/2019 19:37

*So how do exH or exW go on holiday with new gf/bf then?

They go in the half of the school holidays when they don't have the kids*

When they're working?! I didn't - and don't know any lone RP who did - have any child free holidays. DCs had 13 weeks holidays - I had 6. Then add in polling days, orthodontist appts, sickness, inset days. My leave was more than used up every year.

SueBrouqet · 20/08/2019 19:37

I've been away with my OH without my kids. I sorted out childcare for the children that didn't involve the exH.

I have no idea what he does and don't care. What I do care about is that he spends so little time with his children. It's not even the cost of the holidays or the fact I have to sort out childcare, it's the fact that he seems to care so little about his children that he's happy spending 5 days of their holidays with them in any year. It's crap and it's selfish.

Angrybird123 · 20/08/2019 19:38

Wow what a lovely, mature, co-operative response there Little Duck. Obviously I don't know the back story but surely its obvious that schools hols place a different burden of care on everyone? Bollocks do you want to be the resident parents.. If you did you'd jump at the chance to have them extra because you WANT them, not to spite the mum.

SueBrouqet · 20/08/2019 19:38

Yes, I went away in term time too - so it was easier on my family who looked after the dcs.

Hopoindown31 · 20/08/2019 19:39

Not automatically half. It should be the same proportional as the rest of the time. I see this on both sides and it seems that many RPs have fought for a greater proportion of time only then to expect the NRP to cover half the school holidays. DPs ex has done this. Luckily for my ex I haven't!

Mum4Fergus · 20/08/2019 19:39

We have a family based arrangement that states 50/50 split of non term time. DS's Dad is a teacher but works in a different region to the school DD attends. I tend to do all DS holidays that don't mirror his Dads...this generally means DS is with his Dad 4 weeks of the main holidays and 2 with me.

I will use unpaid leave if I've ran out of holiday allowance to let me get away with DH....using the time for DS is more of a priority for me.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2019 19:39

Littleduckeggblue I get your reasoning but what about the daytime? I guess in reality that’s why it’s the daytime childcare that needs paying for rather than actually looking after them. But on your argument the NR parent would pay a proportion of holiday costs in line with how many days a week they have kids?

OP posts:

Flerkin · 20/08/2019 19:40

This all depends on set up.

Me and ex have 60:40 care of the kids with me having more. We both cover our own days.

If that means child care has to be used, it has to be used. I dont get the arse on because exh has to use childcare and he doesnt get the arse over me using childcare.

If either of us wanted to go away with our respective dps, we would contact the other and ask if they could have them a few extra days.

How exh manage childcare on his days is entirely up to him. Which days he uses annual leave for and which he doesnt.
If he need me to step in, if I can I will

If exh was a teacher, given the children wouldn't spend all the holidays with him I would expect him to holiday with his partner when the kids are with me. If it's not possible, due to her annual leave, we would do some juggling.

Exh takes them away with him once a year. If he wants a holiday with his girlfriend as well, why not?

SueBrouqet · 20/08/2019 19:41

OP what have you agreed with your ex? It's down to the agreement isn't it?

We agreed EOW, one weekday evening and half the school holidays. That's fairly standard I think. He didn't stick to it for one week.

boredboredboredboredbored · 20/08/2019 19:43

Littleduckegg my exh chooses to see his dc every other weekend, as the resident parent I wished for the sake of their relationship he'd see them more....He chose to fuck off to Mexico for 2 weeks at the start of the holidays with his teacher wife.

He chose not to have his dc any more than his usual once a fortnight. His choices, don't tar all RP with the same shitty brush.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2019 19:45

I haven’t agreed anything yet... I’m a teacher and this summer I’ve had them for every day except 1 week when exH took them away. He hasn’t given me any extra maintenance for it because obviously we don’t “need” childcare as I’m around (and love having my kids!) but it is expensive. During term time he has them one night per week and EOW.

My bf also hasn’t agreed anything with his wife yet so was wondering what his exes expectations might be there too ...

OP posts:

MillicentMartha · 20/08/2019 20:21

I work in a school. Because I get longer holidays I agreed to 1/3 him to 2/3 me for school holidays but I ‘let’ him have them for the bank holidays as part of that 1/3. He continued to have them EOW and took them away for 1 week in the summer holidays, when I would go away without them. It’s got harder now some are young adults, but with SN in the mix.

Parent999 · 20/08/2019 20:36

I let my ex wife have dc half because it’s in child’s best interests but it is nice to get away with partner while dc mum is babysitting

Flerkin · 20/08/2019 20:43

OP you need to work out what works for you.

As said me and exh stick to the same pattern, apart from if one of us is going away. If exh wants to take them away for 10 days, he can. If he goes away with his girlfriend for 2 weeks he can. With notice obviously.

Maintenance would be calculated on how many nights each of you have your child, over the year. So wouldnt go up during the summer holidays. It would be the same each month.

If it doesnt work for you, you need to have that discussion with him.

Tippletopple · 21/08/2019 00:23

What @Flerkin said.

I'm the Dad in the equation. On paper we've agreed 60:40 split with my ex-wife being the primary care giver (her choice - she actually wanted me to co-parent far less but I insisted).

Most holidays I push for 50:50 split. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I get a lot out of spending time with my kids - not just being Disney Dad, but helping with their homework, teaching them things, etc.

The sole exception is the Summer Holidays and this is down to work restrictions. I'm in full time work and my ex isn't, which makes me the primary wage earner. And with so many parents of kids a similar age in my team, I'm only allotted two weeks leave out of the six so that everyone else can get their turn.

That said, we still operate the regular overnights as if they were still at school - its just the time spent when they would otherwise be at school that I'm unable to cover 50:50.

KindnessIsNotWeakness · 21/08/2019 05:05

I have no idea when my Ex takes his holidays - his family look after our DS if he is not there & contact days remain the same.

Chitarra · 21/08/2019 05:45

Personally I think it should be arranged so that each parent gets the same amount of holiday time without the DC.

Eg if both parents work full time they should split the DC's holiday between them. If one parent gets 5 weeks annual leave and the other gets 13 (teacher), then the DC should spend 3 holiday weeks per year with the non teacher parent and 10 with the teacher parent (so that both parents have 2 holiday weeks without DC), but it would be reasonable for the non teacher parent to pay the teacher parent extra to reflect this (as it's more expensive for the teacher parent).

StrongerThanIThought76 · 21/08/2019 08:33

My kids' dad has minimum 28 days leave a year. So far this year he's used..... 0 days on spending time with them. No special job where he can't take holiday when they're off, he's just chosen not to. Kids are teens now and after a particularly bullshit phone call about how 'I'll try and sort something soon but it's sooo hard' which left them both upset I told them how statutory holiday entitlement works.

I've no doubt he takes every minute of his holidays. I've not had a break away without my kids for 3 years.

JacquesHammer · 21/08/2019 08:37

Littleduckeggblue

You guys sound great. Is there such a thing as a “contact” troll? Nobody can be this obtuse?

We don’t quite do half hols but on days when ExH is due to have DD overnight he extends to have for the full day. He usually has her 2 days a week during the school hols. He also has one full week to take her away.

SansaClegane · 21/08/2019 08:48

Reading this thread made me wonder.
ExH and I agreed that he'd have the DC EOW. Once he finally started having them over, it turned out he meant 'one night only' so essentially has them from lunchtime Sat - early evening Sunday. This continues all through the year. I work in a school - I took this job as I couldn't see any other way of covering their holidays, I haven't got any family nearby. ExH would be very welcome to have them more over the holidays but he's expressed no interest meanwhile I'm frazzled, exhausted and broke as they eat me out of house and home.
Is there an 'obligation' for him to have them more or is it down to individual agreement?

OllyBJolly · 21/08/2019 09:13

Is there an 'obligation' for him to have them more or is it down to individual agreement?

Same situation as me. I was told I could only "make the children available, not force him to take them" . If I didn't I was breaking the rules, but no obligation on him to keep his side of the agreement.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 21/08/2019 14:11

So it seems that most people agree 50:50 but in the absence of an agreement the primary carer has them 100% of the hols unless ex wants them ... Must get something properly agreed then!

OP posts:

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