Not knowing real father until early teens - has this happened to you?

[MissCynic]

I'm researching this topic, having had my real father not come into my life until I was around 11-12. Prior to that had an abusive stepfather. Put real dad on a pedestal even though he was not paternal or emotionally available. This directly impacted my adult relationships with men and the sort of men I chose. Even as I approach grandmotherhood I am still seeking contact and approval from a narcissistic and possibly ASD/ Aspergers father. Yes, it sounds pathetic but I believe that the timing of him coming into my life was crucial. Can anybody else relate to this? Anyone had a similar relationship or non-relationship with their father?

I haven't, sorry. I thought I'd give this a little bump for you.

Not the same situation as you but I had a very complicated relationship with my father, who also wasn't paternal and not a good father at all. I went NC with him age 11.

I believe it has affected my relationships with men as an adult and I tend to choose men that are too flaky or have too many issues to have a proper relationship, probably self sabotaging. I've decided to remain single for a while until I figure it out as I have DS to consider.

I didnt know my dad until I was 12.

Mum was briefly married to my step dad who abused me.

Mum had poor mental health and she had told dad she would kill herself if he ever visited. Theres a huge long story of her basically making if difficult for him to see us. He gave up.

Blame them both. They are back together (mum threatened to stop contact again if they didnt get back together) now and I speak to neither of them.

Mum is a control freak and thinks nothing of manipulating people and destroying people to get what she wants. Dad enables her and trus to get people to go along with her.

So I cut both out.

Yes, I can relate to this, OP. I don't know what the solution is.

Thank you for your posts so far and sorry for those of you that can relate to this. @Flerkin That is so sad, the fact that you've had to cut them out of your life. May I ask, have the negative early relationships you had with your stepdad and absent father led to you having relationship issues with men as a teenager/adult?

My husband wasn't told his dad wasn't his biological father until he needed a copy of his birth certificate in his teens.
It was all handled very badly and he was fed a lot of lies by his mums side of the family which were proven wrong by police records and hospital notes - not just he says she says.

He was punished in his teens for asking for information about his bio dad and tells me he grew up feeling different to his sisters and quite pushed out.
When we got together in our late teens I noticed he would always be stressed and nervous around his mum and there was a lot of bickering and resentment.
He eventually met up with his dad in 2013 and they formed a lovely bond. I saw my DH change into a confident happy person and I can't fault his dad he never slated his mum he just said they both should have done more.
Unfortunately his dad passed away in 2016 and he is nc with his mum or siblings.

@MissCynic yes. I purchased my own house at 19 with my then boyfriend. Married him at 20 and had two kids by 28.

When I hit 32 ish, i started to realise how controlling he was. I believed i didnt want to go out with friends, it just wasnt for me. I wanted to spend all my time with dh, liked to dress how he liked me too, happy to have sex whenever he wanted etc.

Then I realised that actually I wasnt happy with all this. That over the years, he had frozen me out been sulky with me when I didnt do as he wanted so I went out of my way to make him happy.

I stopped and started standing up for myself. Started going out, a whole 2 or 3 times a year, got more confidence. He started having some sort of break down, became paranoid I was cheating. Started following me, tracking my phone, going through my messages, turning up at work, going through my pockets.

He then went to counselling. Where she told a load of lies to the counsellor. He would tell me what he told her and then how she told him, he didnt trust me because I lied etc. I would then point out, her he told was a complete lie. All he learnt was other ways to try and manipulate me. He decided we had to tell eachother everything and I mean everything. Who I talked to at work, what we discussed etc. While he kept secrets from me.

When I would accept that, he attacked me. He was sectioned, briefly, and took a long time to get well. He managed to get access to the kids and we co parent ok. Though I dont have to see him. Handovers are done at my sils house or school. We only contact through text.

He is still manipulative and doesnt put the kids first. They choose to spend more and more time with me since he moved in with his girlfriend of 12 weeks and her 2 kids. I hate that he is allowed contact, but despite fighting it I lost.

Wow that was long.

I remained single for a while. Got counselling, took time to spend time with the kids. Got a new house. I have met a new dp who is actually amazing. He has no issues with me going out, seeing friends, going away. He totally supports me regarding the ex and when I am having a bad day.

My parents felt I was over reacting to the attack and abuse and should have gone back to exh. So I cut them out.

When I met dp 2 years after I left, my mum told all my aunties that I just have left exh to be with dp. Plenty of them have issues with her too and didnt believe a word.

So, in short, yes. My horrible childhood, including not being able to trust men, made me cling to the first decent and gentle man I met. Except he turned out not to be decent. Because my radar was so off and I was so desperate to be loved

Yep , met my biological father when I was 27 , he stuck around for 18 months then I obviously proved to be a big disappointment to him and he stopped contacting me.
I'm his only child , I very much hope he ends up a sad lonely old man , I now have 2 beautiful children he will never see .
The positive to come from it was I could say I knew where I came from and put it to bed , sadly I look rather like him .
Cheers for the height though daddykjns , I love taking after you in that respect

@Flerkin
So, in short, yes. My horrible childhood, including not being able to trust men, made me cling to the first decent and gentle man I met. Except he turned out not to be decent. Because my radar was so off and I was so desperate to be loved.

So glad you are finally happy. Your comment here sums up exactly how I used to be with men because I'd had no role model against which to judge the opposite sex.

My story is pretty similar.

First met my Dad at about 14/15. He hadn't been present in my childhood due to just not being a family man - more into drinking, women and fun. When I finally met him, I thought this Peter Pan character was great - so different to my strict mum and all my friends stuffy parents.

He was on/off in my life until my early twenties when we fell out of contact - mainly because by this point I had got with a controlling and abusive man.

Around the time I split with the controlling partner (in my early thirties), my Dad had a new girlfriend who contacted me on Facebook and suggested contact. I have been in contact with him for the past 8 years. It's all going okay but we do not have a usual father/daughter relationship. My Dad has calmed down a lot and has more time for family, but struggles a bit with communicating with me and my kids in a parent way. My relationship with him is completely different to that of me and my Mum.

So relationship-wise for me - both my long term relationships have been with men around a decade older. First one was horrendous, second one (current partner) isn't abusive but the relationship is unhappy.

Inbetween the relationships I've had other short term flings - always with inappropriate men. I think I have real issues with men in general.

I found out in my teens the man I thought was my dad wasn’t. In actual fact there were four possible people who could be my father. All married now to the same women who they had been married to at the time of my conception. Over a period of 15 years I found them one by one approached them paid for dna tests and drew blanks. The last man I looked for turned out to be my father. That was last year.

Sadly he died when I was 15 but he had 3 other children and they tested their dna with mine. They have welcomed me as their sister and I finally have my answer. As far as myself and everyone else is aware my dad sadly had no idea as to my existence which does make me sad. But at the age of 33 after a lifetime of wondering I have the answer

@littlegecko It's fascinating how we often are attracted to older or unsuitable men when there has been an absence of father figure in our lives.

@sadandtired01 I'm sorry to hear what you went through but I am so pleased that the others have welcomed you as their sister. I have half sisters and kept quiet about their father's attempted sexual abuse for thirty years.They knew about the verbal and emotional abuse. Only when I heard that he'd split from his second wife and had tried it on with another stepdaughter did I contact her to ask her about her experiences. My "sisters" happened to find out about this - private - conversation and have now cut me out of their life! Talk about victim blaming!