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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Butterfly Feelings

12 replies

paul291 · 20/08/2019 14:48

Good afternoon, I am male, divorced in my 40's and i am seriously confused about something and had no where else to go!!

About 11 months ago I bumped into an old friend who had recently had her second child, we spoke and arranged to meet for coffee. Although she lived in the same house as the children's father they were living as a separated couple, due to financial constraints. Our relationship has developed and we spend lots of time together and I have a great relationship with her children who I love as my own.

Last month we had managed to get enough money together for her to rent her own house and start to build a new home for her and her children. I will visit on my days off and we will all go out together but i will never stay over while the boys are there as we both feel that isn't right.

Last week I sensed something was wrong so I asked her and she said, although she loved me and loved the stability and security I offered she didn't want to go any further and she wanted space because I didn't give her the butterflies in her stomach when she saw me.

When I see her or talk to her my heart fills with joy and love, I always thought the butterfly feelings was short lived and the initial stage of a relationship.

I guess the question is am I being stupid and expecting love, respect, trust to be more important than a gut feeling when you see someone or has it been so long since i was early into a relationship that things have changed?

OP posts:

Parent999 · 20/08/2019 14:52

LTB

ChippyPickledEggs · 20/08/2019 14:57

I think she is trying to tell you, gently, that although she likes you and is grateful for all you have done for her, she doesn't feel that spark. Love, respect and trust are essential in a relationship, it's true. So is sexual attraction. I'm sorry OP, she doesn't fancy you.

Someoneontheweb · 20/08/2019 14:59

I understand you are hurt but it's not a matter of "being stupid" or what you think is more important.
You have to accept that she doesn't feel the same way you do and she doesn't want to continue the relationship. You may think it's a mistake, but it's her right to make it.

Also I would look for a partner that loved me for myself and not loved the stability and security I offered.

Parent999 · 20/08/2019 16:17

She’s been using you, you need to drop her and find someone worth the effort.

crappyday2018 · 20/08/2019 16:33

I recently ended things with a guy who I just didn't get the 'butterfly' feelings for. He was like you and just didn't understand why because he was loving, caring and a gentleman to me.

Sadly gut feelings actually mean everything. Yes love can be built over time but its been 11 months and it sounds like she's been hoping her feelings would grow and they haven't.

I'm afraid you will have to respect her feelings and move on.

SparklyMagpie · 20/08/2019 21:50

Yes you are being stupid

Sorry but shes set it out that she wants nothing more

Time to move on

TheSpottedZebra · 20/08/2019 21:55

You want different things. You see her as providing a ready-made family, and she's looking for fun and excitement.

burnyburny · 20/08/2019 22:01

Last month we had managed to get enough money together for her to rent her own house and start to build a new home for her and her children.

We? Why were you providing money towards this, when you've been in a relationship for 10 months??

And this?

I have a great relationship with her children who I love as my own.

Come on now. Set yourself some boundaries in future.

AMAM8916 · 20/08/2019 22:04

She used you for a deposit and to help her get a new place. Sorry to say but you need to move on

Windmillwhirl · 20/08/2019 22:11

She does not feel the way you do. You have to accept what she has said and move on.

Scott72 · 20/08/2019 22:17

She possibly deliberately took advantage of you. You have to separate yourself from her now, which will unfortunately mean separating yourself from her children. But lets face it when she gets a boyfriend she's going to give the cold shoulder anyhow.

MiniTheMinx · 20/08/2019 23:08

She lived with her ex possibly because she needs that security and stability. She relied on you as a replacement to fulfill that role until she could separate and be independent. The chances are that now she is free she wants excitement not stability. Once she realised she could cope alone she realised she didn't need you.

I think you need to step away and look for someone who is ready to have a proper relationship and values you for being you, not for what you can do for them.

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