Panicking!

[Bob42]

I posted the other day regarding me and my husband talking of separating after 16/17 years. So the last couple of weeks we’ve been talking about what to do next and he said he wanted to try and keep the house, run it himself that way he wouldn’t have to move back to his mums, he’d get to keep the dog and the kids could keep the bedrooms to stay weekends etc. So we’re trying to find out how this will work, basically mortgage company say they need him to have an appointment with them blah blah. Now he’s wobbling and saying it won’t work, they probably won’t let him do it etc etc (let’s just say he’s never been one for dealing with the adult stuff and actually having to talk to people about this sort of stuff, usually left to me) anyway now he’s saying if he can’t do it, he won’t sell the house either cos it ‘means something to him’ and doesn’t want to lose it. ( if it meant that much then why has he barely done a job in it for 12 years 😡) so he’s basically leaving me no option other than to stay in a house I don’t want in a miserable marriage or walk away without a penny and still paying for a house I don’t want or live in. Now I’m panicking. And stressed, angry every emotion you can think of!!! It’s down to his selfishness we’re here in the first place, and he’s still carrying it on. He says he wants it to be amicable and still be friends but how can we if he can do this?! I need this to be over now before I have a breakdown, I seriously feel like I’m on the tip of one. Sorry to ramble 😔

Surely he must realise that the house must be sold then if you don't want to stay in it together or buy him out and he doesn't want to talk to your mortgage provider to buy you out. He wants to keep the house without having to pay you your share. That's not acceptable.

Ok, if he wants to keep the house he needs to see a mortgage provider and remortgage in his own name. If it’s shared ownership then remortgaging isn’t an option and he’ll have to do it through the current provider.

Regarding your situation, you need to get him to leave. If he can’t, or can’t be arsed to do the admin then he needs to find somewhere else to live.

Have you had legal advice on your position? The first thing they will say is mediation. If nothing can be solved via mediation then it’s court.

Don’t worry though, you need to take things step by step. You need to serve divorce papers on him and call him to mediation. You can do this yourself or through a solicitor. The fact that things are getting legal might just jolt him into action. To start with though you need to talk to a solicitor, even if you don’t engage their services you need to know where you stand legally.

a word of advice, from biter experience, if you want to remain in the house then do not leave. Once you’re living elsewhere it will be very difficult and costly to try and get back in.

Take the legal rout. See a solicitor first and find out your legal position, then serve papers either with their help or on your own. Then you will need to call him to mediation.You need to know what your red lines are and not let him push you over them. Start off demanding something mental, then negotiate downwards. Don’t start too low or you leave yourself no room. DO NOT leave the house in the mean time though if you ultimately want to live there.

Good luck. I hope your H isn’t as much as a bastard as mine was, but then he was an abuser so he was always going to be. I know it’s all a bit overwhelming to begin with but if you follow some good legal advice and follow through promptly with all the steps then it might not be as bad as all that. Like I said, once it gets legal it might shake him up a bit. Make sure you’re running the show though, as if he’s a flipflopper then it’ll never get done and you’ll be in this horrible limbo for ever.

You have other choices rather than the two you have laid out, but it wont be ironed out amicably necessarily. It might need professional legal help. You both have rights. You also both have choices, you need to weigh up whether you can tolerate the consequences.

The first thing he needs to do is actually speak to the mortgage company and see what they say rather than you both speculate the worst case scenario (which i totally understand, its very stressful).

Even if you walk away, it wont be penniless unless you give up your rights. You dont have to do that.

If you can’t buy him out then the house will have to be sold. There’s no other way and no court in the land would allow a working adult to stay in a house at the expense of the wife and kids and see them get nothing. You could probably keep the house till the kids turn 18 but then if you haven’t bought him out you’d have to sell up.

Thanks for the replies. I really don’t want this to go to court, I understand he’s panicking too and that’s probably why he’s saying these things, but he’s also very stubborn so won’t give in once he’s set on something. I’m so scared. Neither of us really want to split but he can’t seem to change and I’m not spending the rest of my life like I was. Just need this over now 😔

OP if you are divorcing you need a court but you don’t necessarily need a court judgement. You do need legal advice you are some what putting your head in the sand too

I understand with divorce it’ll have to go to court and I will need legal advice. I just didn’t want things to get nasty and end up with endless court battles that’s what I meant.