DH's reaction worried me

[indisposed38]

So we were away on holiday in France with the dog last week. My DH had one job to sort prior to the holiday and that was to ensure the pet passport was sorted.

On way home we were at the ferry terminal and they checked the passport. There was no stamp for rabies. We had to go to office.

In the office he rang our vet and then went to pieces and started shaking and said I would have to do it. So I took over. I was taken aback by his response but that combined with feeling pissed off that he had not done this one job out of all the holiday planning.

He kept saying it was the vets responsibility and I kept saying no it was our passport and our responsibility to check it. Then he said well it's too complicated. I said what's complicated? Rabies page , valid from, valid until- missing!

I think I'm 52 and am I going to now have a lifetime of feeling that I have to do everything? It may be that he's depressed but tbh he has been asked to leave jobs going back 20 years previously but this latest situation revealed how he may be responding at work. These situations damage my respect for him and I don't want to feel this way.

Theres clearly something wrong. Wether depression or something else.

If this was DP, I spock be more annoyed that he kept losing jobs, couldnt take responsibility for anything and never sought any help.

Having depression wouldnt make me leave. But his lack of personal responsibility would.

Is he being asked to leave jobs now or 20 years back?
Realising you don’t have documentation for a darling 🐕 on immigration could make the strongest person melt down.

Two jobs. His first teaching job then his second about 10 years apart. He always had a reason but after seeing his response under pressure maybe the clues there.

So it's only 2 jobs in 20 years?

I got the impression it was a regular occurrence and that you knew it was down to to how he acted.

If it's been 2 times in 20 years and you are assuming it's how he acts because of his reaction then, I think you are being a bit unfair.

But I do get him not doing anything at home is a pain and draining.

Buts it's hard to tell what the issue is. If he is losing his job, that's temporary pressure occurring, sometimes people do end up not being able to take more on and break down.

I suppose you need to get to the bottom of the reason he has lost his job and wether its depression and stress. If so he needs to see a gp.

Not sure what to make of this really. Without knowing why he lost his jobs it’s difficult to see how the dog thing might be linked.

To the people throwing around depression like it’s a magical get out, plenty of people have to get on with it, even while in the depths. I’m a single parent who has had awful depression and anxiety, in fact anxiety is something that blights my daily life. I have to get by though, and it is possible to do so if you give yourself a push and get help. If I didn’t then my DS wouldn’t get fed and looked after, I would go to pieces, the bills wouldn’t get paid and we’d probably end up homeless.

I don’t know what your DH’s problem is OP, a failure to take responsibility would be my guess, but if there is something more then it’s his responsibility also to sort it out.He probably doesn’t because he has you to lean on, which is shit to hear but there it is.

It bloody annoys me when I read people on here saying, ‘aww but he’s depressed, he can’t help it.’ Some of us don’t have the luxury or the excuse not to help it.

OH and OP, from someone who has had more MH problems than most, you cannot get to the bottom of it, he has to do that. You can help him, but you can’t do it for him, that’s impossible.

@Whatisthisfuckery I mention depression because OP mentioned it.

Secondly, having depression and anxiety myself, I can see what you are saying. I am a single parent too and ds has always been talen care of.

However, there are many people whose life ends up exactly how you describe. Kids don't get cared for, bills not paid etc because of mental health issues.

To suggest everyone with depression can keep functioning because you or I did, is quite short sighted.

As I said, though, it's only being brought up because OP mentioned it.

To be clear I am bot saying IF it is depression it's a get out clause. As I said, if it is and he wont seek help, then I wouldnt be able to live doing everything for him.

But most of us with depression have it a whole before seeking help and some people really hit rock bottom before they do seek help. Sometimes not even then.

That said op cant make him seek help and shouldnt live an unhappy life IF its depression and IF he wont seek help.

It just seemed as though although sort out able to me that it overwhelmed him.The dog had had the vaccine but there was no stamp. It left me thinking how much does he hide this from me? He has had headaches for a while and his GP was telling him that it could be stress. He was adamant it wasn't and has constantly said the GP is wrong. However I'm not so sure now.

Not being able to cope under stress and depression are different things.

However, I'm failing to see what's so stressful about needing to get a pet passport stamped. If he can get the dog to the vets and pay for it to be done, surely he can cope with a phone call?

Sorry, I'm going against the grain here and saying it's learned helplessness. You've carried him so much over the years, he has learned how to be this pathetic. Time for him to unlearn it or I suspect the next few decades will be utterly tiresome for you.

I think it’s quite sad really if he was actually shaking in response to the stress.