I feel I have no identity

[Nanajj]

Last year has been the worst year of my life,
I lost my beautiful mum suddenly, then 5 months later my DD left her kids because she didnt want them now we have her children age 4 and 2 so we know have kinship,3 months after that I was sacked from my job because I was off with stress,then I caught my DH talking to a woman he had an affair with before he met me (I had another post about that) there was no intention no more contact but he lied and hid it,he doesn't understand how it made me feel how it still makes me feel,I now feel I'm not a daughter, not a mother ,not a wife,(I lost trust in my DH I felt I lost him as he was my rock with what I was going through now I dont)not an employee now I dont feel like a grandmother because I have to play mother, I feel lost ,I am too scared to go to the doctor I dont want to be seen as I cant take care of my GK ,my fear they will go into the system .....I feel lost and I dont know what to do

You need to speak to someone.
I honestly don't think you will loose your grandkids. You've had a really tough year 😔.
Go and see your doctor I'm sure they can help.
You sound like a very strong women and credit to you for taking in your grandkids

Bloody hell. What a year. I hope someone comes on wih advice for you. I don’t know enough about what you are going through to help. I would hope that you going to the doctor to ask for some help would be seen as a positive step but I can see why you are cautious. You need some support. You have been given too much to cope with alone. What an amazing grandma you are xx

You're an AMAZING woman. To step in for your grandchildren and give them the best possible start.

Are you the poster whose grandkids had the I pad when messages popped up?

I am so sorry things havent got any better for you.

Can you carve out some time for you each week. Even if you just read a book go for a walk. It womt fix anythj g, but it might give you time to figure things out.

Can you access counselling? It's not a cure all but I find that talking things out with someone impartial really helps.

for you

Sorry I didnt post that very well.

What I am saying is taking sometime to yourself may help you decide what you want to do. Your identity isnt just the relationship you have to other people.

Talking or even just space to think all this through may help you, decide what you want to do about your marriage, work etc and find out who you are away from giving your all to everyone else.

Yes I'm the same ,,Im also looking after my 71 year old father and he just doesn't except my mum is gone .I'm just at the end of my tether I just feel empty and a nobody

You’ve got us so you haven’t got nobody. We’re all here for you. You’ve had a horrid time. No wonder you feel low. You need some real life support. Counselling etc. Do you have a health visitor? Could you speak to them about accessing support groups? You also need a good friend to come round for a cuppa!

Gosh, you've had a really rough time of it lately.

Firstly, well done on stepping up and raising your GC. Where did your DD go? What, did she decided she just couldn't be arsed? That's shocking. Is their father still seeing them? Can he support you at all?

What's the situation with your DH? He should also be helping to raise his grandkids, regardless of what's happening in your relationship with him.

So sorry you lost your Mum suddenly. Would you consider bereavement counselling? Could you speak to your GP? I do think you need to speak to someone in real life to help you separate out all the different things that are going on here.

Seeking support for your mental health is NOT a weakness. It's actually a really brave thing to do.

And you are not a nobody. Far from it; you are an amazing grandmother and daughter. You have a hell of a lot on your plate and it's not surprisingly you're struggling.

I really hope you can get some real-life support and that things start to get better.

Wow. What a year!

Going to your GP won't result in you losing the grandchildren - you've had a terrible year and here you are still fighting; you're awesome!

As for feeling you have lost your identity, I felt similarly after my dad died and my marriage ended within 2 weeks. I'd already lost my mum. My children were 12 and 5 at the time, so not as young as your grandchildren but still young.

I had a real sense of it being 'my' time to shine. I was really conscious of how easy it would be to sink and I wanted to swim.

I went to the GP; got ADs; had counselling and made that year the best fucking year ever. Was it hard? Yes. Were there times when I just wanted it all to stop and go away? Yes. But i realised that between my husband, my children, my terminally I'll father and my job, I had lost 'me' and I needed to find myself again.

I understand you feel lost at the moment but you are a warrior - and you will find yourself again ❤

Oh, practical ideas might help 🙄

I started by writing a pen portrait of who I was - my likes, dislikes, strengths - all the good stuff - nothing negative.

And then I thought about who I wanted to be and took steps to make it happen - wouldn't look like much to a lot of people but it was crucial stuff for me.

I'm 7 years on now. Things aren't perfect - they never will be! But I'm now on a road I simply couldn't have predicted 7 years ago when my world fell apart around my ears.

You are still there. You're just overwhelmed at the moment.

You’re actually boosting all those roles that you have, everyone’s counting on you to keep it going and that’s really hard for anyone. No wonder you’re feeling swamped.
Go and see your GP. Grieving for your mum needs to happen, Is there anyone who can help your Dad a bit with his grief? He could also see the GP.

Thanks everyone my DD just doesn't want to be a mum the kids got put on a CPO because of it we didnt know half what was going on ,I just feel like a shell ,I know what happened with my DH I know deep down nothing happened but when you tell a lie all your truths become questionable, it just couldn't have came at a worse time ,I needed him I had so much going on the kids have a HV shes knows there is so much going on but i just can open up i just feel in limbo

I'm sorry I don't have any constructive advice to give but I wanted to say how strong and courageous you are and that I am so sorry for what you've been through. You are clearly incredibly tough although you might not think it. It might not be a bad idea to talk through what's happened with a counsellor. You said you feel you've lost your sense of identity but I think everything that you've done and experienced speaks volumes about what a strong personality you have. Life doesn't have to be labels like mother or wife - you're you and you've clearly got so much to you!

but i just can open up i just feel in limbo

If you don't feel able to talk to the HV, please talk to your GP. It will be in confidence and they may be able to recommend an independent counsellor or there may be a suitable charity that can help? Just in terms of enabling you to offload a LOT of stress and worry and grief.

To have come this far shows how strong you are. There's nothing wrong with needing a bit of help sometimes. Your first step is reaching out on there. Just keep talking here if it's helping.

Reaching out on here not there!

You really need to be kind to yourself. You are amazing. The strength you must have shown to get this far. Please be kind and look after yourself, find someone to talk to, and ask for help and support from friends and extended family if you can. Reach out, you will be suprised when people really know what you are going thorugh how they can help, even in small ways.

You are not empty, you just gave so much of yourself to other people, you have forgotten who you are. You count as much as everyone else. Does your husband know how utterly at the end of your rope you really are. Do people know you are struggling?

No no one knows how bad I feel I just dont want them to worry about me everyone just tells me that I'm doing a great job and the kids have come on so much ..no one knows just how much I am crumbling I know I have to keep strong for the kids

Well, if you're crumbling and not able to see the wood for the trees at the moment, then you need to go to the GP.

You need to speak to someone IRL.

Nothing is going to change otherwise.

Oh my god you poor love, what an awful couple of years 🙁

What a strong person you are to have carried on, and cared for your family, I would have broken as I think would most people.

You won't lose your grandkids if you ask for help - you're doing the responsible and loving thing if you reach out and say you are struggling, because you're recognising their needs and yours.

Just getting out of bed in the morning and going through the motions would be impressive, let alone all the responsibility you've taken on. Be proud of yourself!

We are all here for you, keep posting if it helps. FWIW you sound lovely to me!

Op, I'm sorry you've had such a tough time but you're doing a wonderful thing for your grandchildren. Do you have a fostering social worker? Gave you been in touch with the fostering network- they might be able to offer support. I hope the local authority are supporting you financially also. Good luck

Thank you all for the kind words our HV is coming out in 2 weeks time I am gonna tell her everything and hope she can help .we have a SW but we are on our 3rd one so we cant get a rapport with them
I had a bit of a talk with my DH last night and this morning up since 5 ,he says he knows I'm hurting he just doesn't know how to help me and he feels powerless

You can't be feeling too bad then if you're happy to leave it for 2 weeks.

Hope things get better soon.

OP no advice but you do sound amazing. I think Bats advice of writing down what you want out of life combined with talking to someone ( do you have friends you can talk to before HV since it is 2 weeks away?) Is a good way to go

As much as I appreciate everything everyone has said .....yes it is that bad it took me weeks to pluck up the courage to actually post on here and to say that it cant be too bad then kinda makes me wish I hadn't now ,think I will just plod on ....genuinely tho thank for some of the advice

The thing is, nothing is going to change until you do something. What is going to be different in two weeks? What will have changed to mean that, in two weeks, you feel you can address this when you can't now?

This situation isn't just going to get better on it's own or go away. At best, it's going to stay the same, at worst it's going to get worse.

How do you know that the next two weeks isn't going to be the two weeks that tip you over the edge?

It is hard. I told you up thread what I had been through and how I dealt with it.

All you need is 5 seconds of bravery.

5 seconds to call the GP
5 seconds to walk through the surgery door rather than turn the car round.
Etc

What is it you're actually afraid of?

What is stopping you from helping yourself manage the situation?