Alcohol advise

[Clashofclans]

Ive been secretly tracking my H drinking over the last four weeks and id say on average hes drinking 70 units a week, approx 10 units a day (a can of lager is around 2.2 units) with only four alcohol free days during this 4 week period. Yes weve been on holiday for a week during this. Im just worried that its giving the wrong message to the kids (11&5). Im sick of seeing him with a drink in hand (in the evenings). Ive talked to him about it (not that ive been tracking his units) but he doesnt see it as a problem and “everyone drinks this much”. Apparently im “over reacting”. Part of the problem is his family are massive drinkers too so its his normality. Urgh its making me want to leave in all honestly

Has he always drunk this much? It doesn't sound like he wants to change his habits

Yeah this is a snapshot of his drinking. Ive never really kept track before. Id say hes always drank like this. Hes 40 years old. Weve been together 20 years.

Why have you started keeping track and why does it bother you now? Do you drink too?

What are you getting out of this relationship?. Did you yourself grow up seeing similar?.

Have you actually sought legal advice re leaving, this is something I would urge you to consider.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. If this is how his drinking is affecting you personally then the effects on your children are just as bad if not worse. Talking to an alcoholic about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. You're not fully emotionally available to your kids because you are spending all your time and efforts on monitoring and otherwise policing his drinking. Alcoholism is not known as the family disease for nothing and you are all affected by his drinking. Your kids know and see far more than perhaps either of you realise.

Alcoholism can also be learnt and its no real surprise that his own family drink heavily too. What he is saying and doing is typical of what alcoholics say and denial is a powerful force.

He won't change but you can change how you react to him. I would also consider contacting Al-anon and attend their meetings; they are very good with family members of problem drinkers. You need their support.

I used to drink but stopped since my youngest was born. I wanted to get healthy, set a good example to the kids etc. I guess since stopping ive noticed his drinking more. Also find im resentful as once he has a drink in hand, thats the end of him being productive eg doing stuff round the house/helping with kids. I think what started me off tracking this was i read an article about the units recommended for alcohol (14 per week) and ill be honest, i never really knew how many units a drink was.

He is an alcoholic.
He doesn’t want to change.
All you can do is decide how you want to proceed. I couldn’t live with that.
Plus if he’s driving he could be a danger. Don’t let him drive the kids.

Sounds like he needs some kind of wake up that 70 units is high risk drinking. Could you suggest he go to his GP to discuss it?

I think you should be honest that you are concerned your kids will see him drinking so frequently.

I doubt very much he would even entertain the idea of going to his GP because he does not see his drinking as a problem. Denial is a powerful force in alcoholics and his comments about his wife "over reacting" and "everyone drinks this much" are yet another exercise in denial. He is highly likely to be badly underestimating how much he is drinking too.

Alcoholism is a family disease and all the family are affected by the alcoholic's drinking. Like many posts of this type too OPs initial post is mainly about his drinking (there is but one sentence that describes how she herself feels).

Nobody rational could drink that much and think it’s fine. You can’t reason it out of him.

@attila i dont really know what im getting out of the relationship. Im not happy with the way things are thats for sure. My family growing up were not big drinkers in fact i hardly saw alcohol at home. Ive not sought legal advice yet- not really thought that far ahead. I do feel like (when hes drinking at night) im shielding the kids from him as sometimes hes not very nice especially to the 11 year old (thinks the tough love approach will be best for teenage years/attitude etc) which i dont agree with- hes a sensitive soul who has flare ups sometimes yeah due to hormones etc and changes within. Im too soft on him apparently.

@Wolfiefan yeah i do wonder about him driving the following day to work etc. His job is an hours drive and involves driving so if he gets caught he would lose his job. Ive reminded him of this and that hed lose us too as id never forgive him for putting us in the sh@t moneywise etc

@GrundoncallingHe wouldnt go to the GP. He wouldnt go even if his leg was hanging off

You’re not protecting the kids. You can’t.
You’re not responsible for him. You can only put the interests of you and the kids first.
Would you consider contacting Al Anon?

"I do feel like (when hes drinking at night) im shielding the kids from him as sometimes hes not very nice especially to the 11 year old (thinks the tough love approach will be best for teenage years/attitude etc) which i dont agree with- hes a sensitive soul who has flare ups sometimes yeah due to hormones etc and changes within".

You are not fully able to shield the kids from him or his drunkenness because he is still in their home. Its no life for them either and life for your above child here sounds awful. He not being nice to your children is a position that should not be at all tolerated by you. He needs to be gone from your home. As mentioned before your own relationship with your kids as adults could well be affected because they could well come to view you as someone who has put your own H first rather than them. Your currently 11 year old could well come to despise you for not preventing his dad's ill treatment of him and may see your actions and a lack of as mere hand wringing whilst his dad has a go at him.

You are unhappy for good reason and the fact that you do not know what you are getting out of this relationship speaks volumes. He will not change, only you can change how you react to him.

He is also likely to be on a comedown from alcohol the majority of the time; he is rarely if ever fully sober. You're not seeing him fully sober now.

Youre right @attila. thanks everyone for your help. I need to have a serious talk tonight. I dont want to be here in another twenty years. My children come first in all this and their happiness (and mine) is priority.

I just wanted a sounding board to check i wasnt “over reacting”