Told him it's over, now what?

[Jac28]

I've been married for 17 years and have 2 DDs (16 & 14). We own a house but live with my father.

Four years ago, I discovered OH had run up a large credit card debt. He's always been bad with money and often lied to get what he wants. He once brought a motorbike without telling me. I also found out he was using dating websites and some women's underwear which definitely wasn't mine.

Confronted him and told him it was over. He did the usual begging and said he needed help as he hadn't been right since coming back from Afghanistan (10 years previously).

I let it go, he went to counselling and said he had severe depression. Turns out he only went twice and was diagnosed with mild anxiety. Both my eldest and I have depression so him lying about it really annoyed me.

Things got left as my eldest had some serious issues that needed sorting out, but that didn't stop him using the websites, lying about money (he gave his mum and an ex money, tried to get a loan, spent all the money in our ISA) and generally not doing anything around the house.

Last night I plucked up the courage to tell him I want out. He was surprisingly reasonable and calm although reluctant to split. Thought I would feel relieved but all I feel is awful and panicky. I know I will have to drive it all forward, but I'm dreading it. Feel so guilty and just the thought of it makes me want to back down.

Please give me some advice or share your story so I know it will get better. Sorry for the really long post

He probably feels calm because he knew he got away with staying last time and thinks it'll be the same next time. I don't have any advice except that you're doing the right thing, and to have as much support around you as you can.

My ex-H who I divorced from 10 years ago was irresponsible with money and time after time I put up with it until I lost respect. We had been together for 11 years and he was trying to be something he wasn't. I had a breakdown and knew we had to split. It was awful, but I managed to get through it. If he is finance orientated, be mindful of this when you split assets etc. My ex purposefully got the house repossessed, its a long story and a year later the guy I was seeing at the time offered me to move in with him. That's another story and another mistake!

I'd get some mediation if he is going to be reluctant to split. There is often a calm before a storm. Find out all the financial information you can so you know what you are dealing with. Who lives in the house you own if you live with your father? Does living with your father make it easier to make him move out?

I part own the house with my dad so husband will have to move out but it's not as if he's got no where to go. Husband and I own another house that I am happy for him to have