How to not give a fuck

[catspyjamas27]

I'm aware this probably sounds rather odd for someone who is overall in a happy relationship.

So as not to drip feed, I have a lot of insecurities and paranoia based on a tragic dating history and family issues. I find it hard to trust and am always expecting to be left. I should probably talk to someone to thrash it all out but I haven't yet.

I'm with a man who I love dearly now. Been together 4 years, engaged, dc from previous relationship love him. Overall we're happy. But I can't squash the doubts. He has never give me reason to doubt him as such but (I discussed this in another thread) I think sexually we struggle to communicate and aren't that compatible. He's older than me claims to have low libido so we probably only dtd once a month but I have suspicions (no proof) that he's seeing to himself occasionally. Most people wouldn't be bothered or would have it out with him but me being me I stew on it and let intrusive unhelpful thoughts in - maybe he's getting it elsewhere, maybe he thinks I'm fat and ugly, maybe he's going to leave etc.

What I'm saying is that I think I need to somehow refocus my mind and not be so preoccupied with disappointment and negativity that I let it take over my mood. I need to not distance myself from him, but maybe not prioritise him quite so much. So that the worry of him wanking or not responding to a text straight away etc doesn't immediately make me think the worst.

I've heard of a book ironically titled The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck which I intend to read. Anyone else read this? I'm also trying to do a bit more for me - exercise, see friends and so on. Anyone have any other tips or do I just sound insane?

Will the reviews it gets on Amazon arent great....

You don't sound insane.

Can you get referred to have some CBT ? That may be helpful in the sense of the finding it hard to trust, the thoughts and the fear of being left.

I'd say if you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself it's not going to help you not now and not in the long run. Now I'm not saying blurt it all out but try open up that conversation in a light way.
I know you probably don't want to do that in the fear of him saying he's lost interest - that may not be the case at all but atleast it doesn't leave you guessing.

So communication is key with these issues you are facing.

I'm so sorry you feel this way it's awful I know that. There's no harm in focusing more on yourself in fact that's a massive step and only good can come out of that. Just don't unintentionally push him away if you love him.

I have no idea about the book.

Hope things get better OP x

Op - it’s your second thread in a week, no?
In previous one you were more focused on sex and his kink.
You do mention here your ‘suspicion’ (🤷🏻‍♀️) that he masturbates. (Lots if discussion of it on the previous thread, no need to repeat it)

What is clear is that you are having issues - either your own ones, or relationship-specific.
It’s also clear that strangers on the internet can’t help you solve them.
You need to talk to a professional.
Really.

Yes it is. In fact it might even be my third. guess I'm at the point where I'm wondering whether it's him or me. I'm so sick of overthinking things.

He reassures me. I feel happy for a bit. Then doubts begin again. It's a cycle. I don't want to push him away, but i guess I just want to care less, to the point where it's affecting my mood.

Either way he's not really done anything wrong. It's my perception of things and my overthinking that's the issue. I probably do need to speak to someone.

I really liked the book and have found it helpful to try and refocus my thought process.

Midnightmystery's suggestion of CBT is a good one OP and definitely worth exploring. It's usually available on the NHS as part of IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) so ask your GP if you feel able to.

It sounds like you're going round in circles and need to break this cycle and sadly (while MN can be amazing) I don't think you're going to get the tools to do that via a forum.

If you have doubts about your relationship that are causing you emotional stress, a self help book isn't a great solution.

I started reading it and got bored.

@Whatsnewpussyhat I think the point I'm making is that a lot of my doubts are the product of my own detective mind. So finding ways to refocus and change my mindset (either through therapy or a self help book) might help improve things. I don't know.

Defective mind 🤦🏻‍♀️

I got the book on audible. I really liked, thought it made good sense in places. I think reading (or listening to) it would probably help you think clearer about the sitiation with your partner.

Do you think he’s being unfaithful? Do you have any signs?

No I don't think he's being unfaithful. I have absolutely no evidence that that's the case. He's given me no reason to think that. And tbh we are either at work or together most of the time - he's not one to regularly go out drinking and so on. So no, in my heart I don't believe he is.

However there are some communication issues around our sex life.

But I can accept a lot or the insecurities are down to me and my history/mindset.

I've heard the TED talk which I thought was quite good. Whilst you might benefit from reading the book, it does rather sound as if you have a lot more going on that requires the help of a professional to untangle.

Mindful meditation. Don't fight the thoughts. Just observe them. let them come and go. If you attach to them they become your reality. Which is not reality at all.

ANXIOUS AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT TYPE

I have read it. It's worth a read and will help