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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I wait it out.......

27 replies

Brightfuture2019 · 20/08/2019 07:58

I just don't know what to do anymore, I am so unhappy. Been together 14 years one DD 9. DP is out of work and has been for a while, he is perfectly capable of working but refuses unless it's to get some money for the weekend. He may be getting some inheritance next year that could end money worries however there are also the following issues...
Gambles (used to spend all wages when he worked)
Drinks every weekend and sometimes doesn't come home and without telling me.
Does nothing at home at all, then expects me to do it when I get home from work.
Can be verbally abusive (especially when drunk)
Takes drugs at Weeknd (not addicted as far as I know)
Doesn't give me money towards the bills.
Expects me to clothe and pay for our Daughter, I organize and do everything.
Doesn't like my family
Accuses me of cheating ( I have never cheated)
Scares me when drunk
Constantly questions me
Did not support me through a MH issue
Yet here I am with him, it's just so normal life for me that I just can't get angry enough to do anything. I am angry inside I'm just a walkover and do things for an easier life.

I've just been away with my daughter just us two and it was so nice and since I got back I've been so teary and upset. The house is rented every single thing is in my name. Is it worth waiting to see if money can solve our problems and everything will change (I'm not after the money at all, I'd prefer he just get a job and be normal). Please help. I will feel desperately sorry for my daughter if we split. He has nowhere to go at the moment.

OP posts:
Nillynally · 20/08/2019 08:00

Kick him out, he's a worthless waste of space and you and your daughter deserve better. Be a role model to her and show her that you don't stand for being treated like absolute shit. Good luck x

TanteRose · 20/08/2019 08:01

nope, leave him

he won't change

100timewforgotten · 20/08/2019 08:01

Another one to say kick him out. Look into what benefits you'd be entitled to as a single parent.

TanteRose · 20/08/2019 08:01

leave him > tell him to leave

Hohofortherobbers · 20/08/2019 08:02

Money won't solve any of this, it will exacerbate it, he will gamble, drink and take drugs more. You and your dd deserve a better life than this, call women's aid for advice on safely getting him out of the house and start living

StateOfMind · 20/08/2019 08:05

He’s awful OP. Leave this horrible, abusive man before your DD gets the idea that this is what adult relationships are supposed to be like.

Jaffacakebeast · 20/08/2019 08:06

If the money does come he’ll drink/snort and gamble it away in record speed anyway :/ boot him out

Takemebacktolondon · 20/08/2019 08:08

He would spend all the money anyway. You know that.

AdiosAdipose · 20/08/2019 08:08

You and your daughter deserve more.

You will feel more than desperately sorry for her when she ends up repeating this relationship in her adult years I'm sure. She's learning from you what a loving environment is.

sackrifice · 20/08/2019 08:15

What is the point of him?

If you can't kick him out, then give notice and move out somewhere just the two of you.

Workinghardeveryday · 20/08/2019 08:15

Sorry I totally agree, kick him out!!! Or stay together wait in misery for the money to come which might not. When it does it will be gone, like the others said he will waste all of it - you know he will!!! And your lovely daughter deserves much better!!

MyOtherProfile · 20/08/2019 08:17

He doesn't seem to be contributing anything positive to your life or your dd. He needs to go and stop being a drain on you. Who is paying for his drinking gambling drug taking lifestyle while he is contributing nothing financially to the family?

Original poster
Brightfuture2019 · 20/08/2019 08:38

Yes I think things will escalate. Maybe at first things will be ok but I think it will go down hill again. He works occasionally and spends what money he gets. He also borrows from me cause if I don't he makes my life hell. I struggle to keep us above water. How do I get him to leave. I'm hoping he will just want to go but realize he has it too easy. I'm scared to have to share my Daughter. How can I get strong to do this...

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 20/08/2019 09:16

I can’t see you really have a choice but to get rid!! It will affect your daughter when she is older watching her dad be such a looser. He will never go, why would he!! Be brave and get rid of him!! You can do it hun xx

Pinkmonkeybird · 20/08/2019 09:20

He is NOT a great catch at all. For your own self respect get him out. The money won't change anything at all. Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship like this when she is older?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2019 09:24

Do not use being afraid to share your daughter as a reason to stay with this person. Seek legal advice re an occupation or non molestation order.

Do you think that such an abusive leech of a bloke would be at all bothered with his daughter post separation?. He is not all that bothered about her now and he is abusing you as her mother daily. Your own relationship with her could also be affected going forward because she could wonder of you why you put him before her.

Someoneontheweb · 20/08/2019 09:40

Everything is in your name and you pay for everything OP. You shouldn't be afraid in your own home and your daughter shouldn't grow up with that role model. You ask how you can be strong. I ask what are you getting from him. I can see nothing but a brighter future after he leaves. He's taking a place that could be filled by a decent man in the future.

AnduinsGirl · 20/08/2019 09:48

This is no way to live, OP. Its utter, utter shit. Get the fuck out of this horrible relationship and give yourself a chance of real happiness.

Babdoc · 20/08/2019 09:51

Get rid of him. OP, if you won’t do it for you, do it for your daughter. Every day he stays is another day that you are modelling a terrible example of marriage to your daughter. She is growing up thinking this is normal, this is what to expect from a partner. Do you really want her to end up with a man like this? No? Then why is it ok for you either?
He will not want the responsibility or effort of co-parenting your child, so don’t let fears over joint custody deter you. As an alcoholic drug user, I doubt he would be considered a suitable parent without supervision in any case.
You have one life OP. Do you want it to be like this for the rest of it - or would you prefer it to be like that taste of freedom you had with your DD on holiday? Go for it - you have nothing to lose but your current misery.

Windmillwhirl · 20/08/2019 09:55

Gosh, he's the epitome of waster. Get rid of him and live your life with your daughter.

You've wasted enough of your life on this immature idiot.

Babdoc · 20/08/2019 09:55

I should add that being kicked out might just be the push your partner needs to go and seek help with his addictions. It could be the making of him.
At present you are simply enabling all his gambling and drinking by funding it, providing a home, and covering for him. This helps neither of you.

user1479305498 · 20/08/2019 11:16

Lovely, he is a waste of space and air, money will actually make these things worse because he can fund his fecklessness

MMmomDD · 20/08/2019 11:46

So - OP - are you happy for your daughter to grow up thinking this is a normal life? And this is what she should look for from her future partner?
A lazy man who expects to be supported? And who’d spend money (if he made it) on drugs and booze?
What exactly is his role in your life? He gets fed, clothed, lodged - in return for what? Is he like a Gigolo then - and that is to put it mildly...

Moondancer73 · 20/08/2019 11:50

Kick him out. Your daughter is growing up thinking this is how men behave, is that what you want?
He won't change, is likely to gamble away the money he inherits or drink it. Cut your losses now and build a new life for you and your daughter

Workinghardeveryday · 20/08/2019 13:42

What you going to do hun? X