I want to leave but I'm too scared.

[HammerToFall]

For back ground we have been together for 22 years (since I was 18). We haven't had it easy, been through years of infertility and treatment and eventually adopted two children 12 and 11 years ago.

Things are strained. The children have multiple diagnoses and life is really difficult. This has ended up on us being miserable most of the time. We take time out for ourselves but recently even this has ended up in heated discussions about the kids and is no longer enjoyable.

I feel we are victims of circumstance. We both still love each other but I am leaning more towards thinking that life would easier if we split. We would then both get regular breaks from the kids and not having the relation with each other would be one thing less to deal with

What frightens me is leaving my home where I have live for the past 19 years. We wouldn't be able to afford to keep it if we split. I would have to go back to work which would be incredibly difficult with the amount of meeting a week I have regarding the children. Various therapies and the need to be on Standby when they get excluded.

Also I'm worried how I feel if he meets someone else, how would I cope with that when I still love him.

I'm too scared to take the leap
But I'm sure it's the right thing to do for all of us.

This is a shit situation to be in but I keep thinking you only get one life and we spend ours being miserable most of the time.

I wouldn’t normally ask this but are sure splitting up is the right thing to do? You say you still love each other and I’m not sure that splitting will bring about what you think it will.
If it’s the kids that are causing the real strain then you’ll both then have them by yourself for periods of time which would be even harder.

@user1493413286 - it sounds ridiculous doesn't it when we still love each other and neither of us has done anything wrong, but we are physically and emotionally drained. We have nothing left at the end of the day so our relationship has become just another issue that we have to deal with.

My thinking is that at least this way if we shared custody that both of us would get a break and would have more head space to help the kids if we didn't have the relationship to deal with as well.

He comes home from work and I'm done. I make tea have a bath and go to bed and leave him with the kids. Apart from planned respite we have no time together. We have to do things with the kids separately because of their fighting and hurting each other - so in all intents and purposes we are not really a family.

Maybe the summer holidays have compounded things i don't know. We have very different ideas on what's best to do with the kids and this can lead to us falling out. They are the other thing we ever argue about. Plus my worry is with all their attachment and trust issues is it really a good idea for them to be living in an environment where mum and dad are like zombies.

He's done nothing wrong and neither have I. We have lost so much, family members and friends, it would be so sad for us to split up but I can't another way out of this abject misery.

I think you should look into restbite care for the children. Look at local charities and organisations that offer this.

It seems a shame to break up just to get a break.

@MissMarple0203 We get respite once every six weeks through social services. We have to be careful as we can't risk exacerbating the attachment issues do respite had to be carefully managed with several months of introductions to the carers first.

Ah, obviously I don't know your full situation. But just thinking with a bit more support it could really make a difference. I know charities have projects and clubs...maybe this could be in addition to the restbite?