Is this a normal or a troubled childhood?

[PlipPlop7clocks]

I feel like I had a very happy childhood but I seem to have a long history of being the ‘Anxious’ attachment type attracted to the ‘Avoidant’ attachment type and seemingly a troubled childhood can precipitate this.

I have had counselling a few times in the past and they always ask about my childhood and I have always said that I felt happy and secure. I knew that my parents both loved me very much.

However, I have started looking at things in more detail and I wonder if I’m glossing over it. I would be really interested in an outsider’s objective opinion.

I have done a bit of a brain dump so sorry if this doesn’t make sense or it’s too disjointed:

Attention from my Mum swung between adoration of me 90% of the time to anger and disappointment in me 10% of the time. There was no steady middle ground.

I felt that Mum’s love was conditional on me

• being top of the class
• not making her angry

I was scared of her. Scared to make her angry and she could get quite vicious, hurting me occasionally.

My Mum read my diary.

She had really severe PMT in which I was

• on eggshells
• she would occasionally hurt me
• she would get very angry if I, for example, accidentally woke her up.

She had an affair and she thought that I was judging her over it when I was 11. I wasn’t. She said I told my Dad to kick her out which of course I hadn’t.

I overheard her say she felt suicidal and I became terrified that one of my parents would commit suicide when I was aged 12-13. I felt like it was my existence stopping them.

She was over involved with my first relationship as a teenager.

I started my period aged 11 and hid it from her for 6 months, using tissues. I’m not sure why.

When I was very young my Dad was in hospital for many months with a severe chronic illness.

Dad rarely hugged me
Never said he loved me
Didn’t protect me from my Mum
But I knew he loved me very much. He was gentle and never hit me.

I never saw my parents touch or kiss

Mum had relationships with 3 married men during my childhood.

Mum needed a lot of attention and input.
She suffered emotionally when I left home.

I wasn’t ever allowed to express my negative views or anger.
‘Angry’ was her thing and I didn’t want to be like that.

Thanks if you have got this far!! Is this normal? I mean is it normal enough not to cause relationship problems later in life? Thanks.

The above stuff about my Mum covers what she was like 10% of the time. The remaining 90% of the time she seemingly adored me to the extent that family friends felt like it was too much and occasionally commented on it. I think the 10% was mostly hormone driven.

We get on well now. My Dad and I get on really well too. I think he was scared of her too.

Im a mental health nurse, and yes I absolutely think there is more than enough childhood trauma there

There is a lot there that you will have internalise.

Shame, fear , anger ...

Plenty there to lead to an anxious personality/attachment style I would say.

Mistrust, blame & guilt .

I really hope you will strongly consider referring yourself for talking therapy.

Thank you. I feel almost guilty writing it down. My Mum would be so shocked and heartbroken if she realised. I think most people who I know would presume I had a very happy childhood. Which I sort of did. It is pretty confusing!

I think I’m addicted to the highs and lows of being attracted to someone who can be emotionally absent. I’m beginning to see some parallels with my Mum’s love for me. She wasn’t emotionally absent though...if anything she was too ‘present’!!

I’m not sure that I can afford therapy. I think Mumsnet is my therapy!! I’m reading a book on Attachment which is useful.

Finally I feel like at 37 everything is beginning to make sense.

I definitely learned to internalise everything. I don’t feel like I can ask for what I want in a relationship. The relationships always seem to be on the guy’s terms.

Internalise, compartmentalise, avoid conflict at all costs, pretend I’m OK for everyone else because they need me.