How can I prepare myself for dating?

[blunderingto50]

'Dating' isn't really the word but bear with me.

STBXH and I split almost a year ago, but it was coming for a long time before that. It's an amicable split and we have two primary-age children together. They are our top priority and after a rocky start I think we're doing pretty well. Divorce is in progress.

So a year down the road I'm thinking hmm, I think I'd like to be in another romantic relationship at some stage in my life. I'm only in my mid-40s and don't feel like I'm 'done' yet . Right now I have almost no social life (by choice), I have a few close female friends and many friendly acquaintances, mainly school mums/dads, with whom I'll have a coffee or stop for a chat when we meet by chance around the neighbourhood. I'm an introvert by nature and need a lot of time alone, which can be hard to come by with children and a job!

But if I keep going the way I have for the past year, I don't see much of a future for myself later on. I've been happy enough with my children, my pets, the eternal bloody housework, books and internet, my social contacts. But I'm not being stimulated, I'm not pushing myself, I'm not stretching myself. I know I have a lot of emotions stored away, anger and resentment at my failed marriage and my ex's role in that, fear that it's going to happen again, fear that I'm undateable or whatever (you know the type of thing). Counselling seems like a good idea but almost all previous attempts have been a waste of time at best. I also strongly suspect I have ASD. I just don't know where to start.

Any tips?

Hmmmm where to start! I met my second husband on a dating site and was almost at the point of giving up when I met him. I think the key is not to have high expectations of every date and to go into it with an open mind. Also, use a paid site rather than the free ones. You're less likely to run into married men/those just in it for the sex.

Good luck!

I was definitely thinking therapy before dating - why have previous attempts not worked?

@TemporaryPermanent thinking back to one many years ago, she basically didn't think anything was 'wrong' with me and didn't understand what I was there for [psychologist]

There was a psychiatrist also many years back who made fun of me about something. He also played dumb games like simply not saying anything for the whole session. I was pretty young and I'm very socially anxious so it was torture for me.

Psychologist that XH and I saw together said that the first thing was that we should have more sex and she basically set it as 'homework'. I really didn't want to at that stage (long back story, not really relevant here). Then at the next session she wanted the details of what it was like for me

Most recent counsellor was in the early stages of the breakup, she basically told me to get over myself and stop complaining about my ex. We ended up having an argument during the session I think (have blocked it all out a bit!). At the end she apologised and insisted on giving me a hug and wouldn't let me pull away. It was excruciating.

Believe it or not I have seen two extremely helpful psychologists in the past decade which is why I haven't given the whole thing up as a bad job! They were both for specific issues.

(Gosh I've seen a lot of people over the years Mostly due to a history of depression and social anxiety, then PND.)

Bloody hell! I can see why you would ratger have a chat with a nice man than that lot!

Just wondered though if you'd tried yer actual psychotherapy? Im in integrative therapy with a highly experienced older woman and it is awesome. But expensive. Cheaper than shit relationships though.

Well before I would start dating I would make sure my self-esteem is healthy. Too many people accept being treated like shit, you see it all the time on here.

I would also make sure I was happy being single. Sounds paradoxical but it’s so important to be able to be comfortable on your own, to have an enjoyable and fulfilling life. Don’t think of a partner as ‘your other half’, I hate that expression as it implies you aren’t whole on your own. Again, you will be less likely to ‘settle’ for someone who isn’t right for you.

Lastly, be aware of red flags BEFORE you start dating. Know what to look out for. Then have the confidence to cut people off that display those behaviours.

And yes, counselling might help you work through the difficult emotions from your last relationship. I find meditation very good for that also.

Good luck!

Forgetting your thread title, what you're saying is that you're a very self-sufficient person with a pretty healthy social life, who's perfectly happy as an introvert and has no particular need for a relationship. The only cloud on the horizon being that you feel understimulated and lacking purpose.

Stuff the dating. Send the kids off to their dad for a week and book a beginners' mountain climbing holiday. Then join a local campaign for a cause you feel passionate about, and challenge yourself to do some amateur dramatics.

Next time you try therapy, do some research beforehand and see what type of therapy might be better for you, check out their qualifications and Google a photo of them to see if you like the look of them.

Thanks for taking the time to write these lovely replies. I'm going to look into psychotherapy etc and see whether I think there's something for me there.

I'm not rolling in cash but my happiness and emotional health is a priority so I can always find the money if I think it really would help.

ravenmum's summing up of my situation is brilliant. I feel understimulated and lacking purpose. What I really feel the lack of is stimulating conversation. I have some lovely girlfriends but it's not the same. BUT I'd rather be by myself than in yet another bad relationship.

I enjoy certain podcasts (eg Remaniacs, Giles Coren I know) and miss that type of fun discussion with others. The other week I was listening to Giles Coren and Esther Walker (his wife) having a go at each other in their podcast and thinking gosh, I really really miss being intellectually stimulated. I read fairly challenging books and am always learning but it's not at all the same as human contact.

Amateur dramatics is definitely out for me, I LOVE walking/hiking/rambling though. Perhaps I need to look into some kind of walking group. No mountains anywhere near here