Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend has negative affects on well-being, too harsh to block?

16 replies

AprilMay89 · 19/08/2019 20:34

Not sure if this is the right place for this, so apologies if it isn't in advance.

I have a friend who has a very negative affect on my mental well-being. We fell out, and reconnected, and strange things have started to creep into out friendship.

She became self-obsessed, to a huge extent, even if she met me when I was with a friend or family member of mine, she would open the conversation by asking them an opinion about her/her life, or she would draw the conversation to her.

She was quite arrogant - Talking about how rich she is. Talking about her own earning potential very aggressively with no lead up, snapping/smirking about her salary if someone seemed less than in awe of her. She also mentioned friends who she likes to feel one up to.

After this, she became massively competitive. If she met someone who had something she wanted she would make a huge fuss of telling them that she had things to be jealous of or sometimes she would play down what they have in a dismissive way.

She can't stand it when other people are doing well, and if I dare to mention that someone is doing well for themselves, she has to rip them apart and convince me how awful their lives are, and how I am mistaken and that person is not to be looked at positively. If someone seems happy with a new boyfriend, she has to find away to focus on the negative. edited by MNHQ AT OP's request Another example is when someone talks about someone else doing well in life, my friend really loses her temper, and goes on a rant about how and why the person has a negative life, and all the good things mentioned could be countered with bad things, all while red in the face and scowling at whoever said it.

After 2 years of this, I feel really negative about this friendship. The problem is, the effect she has on me is quite extreme. She brings out the absolute worst in me, and to be totally honest I now feel competitive with her, I'm really not a competitive person, but she inspires this not very pleasant side of me (I know I can't really blame her) and I am also always on edge waiting to be attacked/provoked by her.

In all honesty, even seeing her posts on social media has a really bad effect on me. We don't see each other much, but she considers me to be a close friend so I would feel really harsh cutting off contact, but I really really really (!) want to avoid the chance that she might get in contact or I might see a post and it might cause some negative effect or feeling in me, leading me to have the urge to delete and block her social media and even messaging services, even temporarily.

I guess what I want advice on is any of the following - is this too drastic for someone who has not done anything that wrong, but who affects my mental well-being negatively?
If someone had a negative effect on your mental well-being, would you cut them out?
In her position, would you want to hear that the friendship wasn't good from my side and that I felt it was negatively affecting me?
Do you have and advice on how else I could handle this without deleting / blocking to avoid her contacting me?

Really sorry this is so long, and many thanks for reading/replying in advance.

OP posts:
MerryXmasNoelle · 19/08/2019 20:36

She's an absolute knob. Move on

StealthPolarBear · 19/08/2019 20:37

When she does it do you ever say something like that isn't nice and it's not true, can't you be happy for him/her?

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 19/08/2019 20:41

I think on FB you can hide posts without actually blocking someone? Can you do the same on other social media?
Perhaps spend less time on SM generally?

Or you could do the brave thing and have a conversation with her and tell her you think it's time to go your separate ways and roughly why. Mumsnet doesn't generally agree with this approach I find, on balance ghosting seems to be more popular.

BlockedAndDeleted · 19/08/2019 20:43

I knew someone very similar. Totally toxic. Ticked all the boxes for Cluster B personality disorder.

The only pleasure she got in life was to tear people down. Took real pleasure in treating me like shit in her shoe.

She was manipulative, deceitful and emotionally abusive.

I wish I had blocked and deleted her years before I did but poor mental health and a dysfunctional upbringing meant I was deep in fog.

She bled me dry mentally, emotionally and financially (even when I was in the breadline and her Mother had inherited millions.

Friends are supposed to enhance your life and you theirs.

BlockedAndDeleted · 19/08/2019 20:45

Oh, if she’s anything like the woman I knew, she will take pleasure in knowing the negative effect she had on you - it’s a power thing, so I wouldn’t bother.

You’ll never win.

Ever.

Atlasta · 19/08/2019 20:53

I've ghosted a school mum 'friend' who was causing me to feel as you do. Three months ago I blocked her completely after the previous 4 months of ghosting.
She isn't the brightest and will occasionally ask if I got her text when she sees me at the school gates. I reply I didn't and make an exit.

Theonssausage · 19/08/2019 21:12

I have had a similar experience. Her behaviour towards me was toxic - jumping down my throat, making snide remarks, being competitive about our children and lifestyle. Like you, she brings out negative feelings and anger that I've never had before. She's a very over dramatic and negative character who's had an impact on my well being.

I'd withdraw and be distant but polite then she'd start asking if I had a problem with her. Coward that I am didn't address it as we're part of a wider circle of friends and I didn't want to rock the boat, but I have removed her from my SM and keep her at arm's length now. It has certainly helped and I avoid 1:1 contact with her.

If I were you, I would limit contact and move away from SM - it has really helped my situation.

AprilMay89 · 19/08/2019 21:27

Thank you for the replies

The social media comments are very interesting. I deactivated Facebook a year ago, and I reactivated on a whim to look at some old photos today. It was seeing her updates on my wall that prompted me to write this post. I deactivated again (re-deactivated?) so I totally agree with stepping away from social media.

@BlockedAndDeleted - sorry that happened to you, I'm glad to hear you took positive action, great username Smile

@StealthPolarBear - good question. I usually ask why she is being like that, and the irony is, she responds by saying she just has a toxic relationship with that person, I once asked why and she said 'I think it is a weird jealousy thing' looking back I wish I had told her the only person who was coming across as jealous was her.

I did think about talking to her about it, but I wonder if it would be strange to sit down and have that talk, and I worry about her reaction.

OP posts:
MidnightMystery · 19/08/2019 21:42

Cut and delete her out of your life!

TheStuffedPenguin · 20/08/2019 02:39

Had a friend like this - I eventually stopped contact with her about 6 months ago.I cannot tell you the mental relief it has brought me. I did try to have a message conversation with her about it a one time but she turned it all on me and how she was the better person so I just stopped replying to messages after that .

absopugginglutely · 20/08/2019 05:27

Oh my goodness why would you bother when there are so many lovely people in the world?
She sounds like a cocaine addict or maybe just a dick.

BlockedandDeleted · 20/08/2019 09:28

Thanks, tbh, the situation was forced as I tried to withdraw gracefully and she started telling a mutual friend a hella lotta nasty, and very disprovable, lies about me, which mutual friend didn’t believe and told me about.

I was so upset and spoke to her about it

Big mistake, huge mistake, and the vicious temper tantrum that followed was literally unbelievable.

I should’ve blocked and deleted her there and then.

Talking to her about it will get you nowhere. The fact you’re worried about her reactions says everything, I can totally relate.

I still suffer with my mental health from what she put me through.

There’s a curious attitude to ghosting in MN but I suspect that comes from people who’ve never been enmeshed isle a toxic dynamic, or from people who are themselves toxic!

But there is a saying, “If I cut you off, chances are, you gave me the scissors“

I’d advise a fade and cut - look up “grey rocking”.

Be strong, because I suspect that as she realises she’s losing control of you, she’ll ramp up her actions.

Good luck!

BlockedAndDeleted · 20/08/2019 09:37

*I mean I should never have tried to talk to her about the lies, just cut her out when I heard.

I blocked and deleted her after the temper tantrum obvs!

MiniTheMinx · 20/08/2019 10:28

She sounds like a loon. I'd back away, slowly but desisively.
Don't initiate conversation or contact
Respond later or inconsistently
Eventually block on phone etc, lastly on social media.
She probably has personality disorder. I wouldn't draw her attention to the fact that you don't want to be friends. I wouldn't feel obligated to explain, so I'd rather "go" quietly.

AprilMay89 · 20/08/2019 13:58

@TheStuffedPenguin - that's my worry

@BlockedAndDeleted - that quote is great! The lies thing resonates, as my friend has been guilty of this. The more I think about it, the more times this happened - lies/manipulation.

@MiniTheMinx - I think that is a good order to do it in, she will see it as a natural process, rather than me cutting her out.

The cluster B and grey rocking info are making for interesting reading. Thanks again all, feeling stronger in my decision

OP posts:
Secondsight · 21/08/2019 09:18

Give them the slow fade...

New posts on this thread. Refresh page