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Original poster

Partner went mental when he found my toy

175 replies

Lillyrose80 · 19/08/2019 19:36

Okay so my head is a little all over the place today. I would be hugely grateful for some honest opinions about my partners behavior. I think I know what I think about this behavior and what it is but before I make any decisions or question whether I am losing the plot mentally I would welcome others opinions on his behavior.
So here goes.... To cut a very long story short. My partner and I have been together around 8 years, we have two kids together and i am 8 years older than him which I didn't think was a problem until recently.
I left my partner a few years ago due to him being controlling about me going back to work and some other problems and it literally was one of the hardest things I have done. saved money to move and started fresh, however he Eventually persuaded me to come back and my children missed him, I was feeling guilty about taking my kids away from him although I never stopped him seeing them they really missed him. So fast forward 3 years and he can still be jealous, controlling, old fashioned at times but then we can also be like the bestest of friends and have a great laugh with each other and the kids and a good home life.... I stay in and don't go out normally but this weekend just gone a couple of my oldest friends were going for a drink and asked me to join them. I was so excited to see them both and said to my partner I am going out tomorrow night with my friends, he instantly got angry and storming around saying things like well if you can afford to go out go! Knowing full well I would need to ask him for money to go which would make things very awkward. Anyway I didn't back down and stuck to my guns and said yes I am going and that's that. The whole time I was trying to get ready he told the kids to come in and out of the bedroom, he went outside and worked on his car and made it impossible for me to get ready. Then. I asked for a lift to save money for a taxi and he got really cross and said ffs you should of asked me earlier I've been at work all day bla Bla Bla. I still stuck to my guns. Although I felt utterly shit by now I was gonna go. He looked me up and down and said nice you can dress up for your mates and not for me.... As I got out of the car to meet them. So I was home by 11.30om and when I got into bed he wouldn't touch me. I tried hugging him and he was cross and shrugged off my affections. The next morning he said I'm leaving and started packing his stuff. I was like wha coz I went out!?? And he said no I didn't sleep all night your a disgusting whore and I hate you. He then goes to my wardrobe and he takes out a vibrator that I had bought for myself a few weeks before but had hidden from him as I knew his reaction would be bad... Didn't realize it would be this bad thou! At this point I need to add he is a really really selfish lover and I have asked him to please try and take some time to try and satisfy me and he gets sulky and angry so I though the vibrator would be something that could help me in that way.
Anyway I almost laughed and I was like are you serious? Don't you think your behavior is a bit controlling and he said it's either me or that and your obviously cheating, your a slut.
Then he turned around and he said it must be your age you can't get off on normal sex anymore coz your an old haggard woman (I'm 37) and you and your old disgusting friends all talk about your dirty vibrators and sex. I was literally blown away by how immature and venomous he was being. But also however much I thought this is pathetic it really God dam hurt. I never realized my age was a problem! Why after all of these years is he calling me old and a hag? I then start to cry and say please leave I Dont want the children to hear or see u in this way. He wouldn't stop going on and on and on at me I had to stand up to him and say very firmly this is wrong you need to leave the house now. Right now. I am disappointed in you and shocked please leave.. He is a huge man and I'm tiny so it was quite intimidating. He was up in my face calling me awful names. He finally leaves as I lick doors behind and check. On kids who were thankfully still asleep.
The past two nights he has stayed at his brother's. My head is a mess. My kids miss him. I personally do not miss him at all. We have a holiday booked next week and my kids have been so excited to go. I don't know what to do.?!?!
I suppose what I want to know is this normal behavior and am I in the wrong for purchasing a vibrator and not telling him?

OP posts:
BlackberryBeret · 19/08/2019 22:00

he said it must be your age you can't get off on normal sex anymore coz your an old haggard woman (I'm 37) and you and your old disgusting friends all talk about your dirty vibrators and sex.

@Lillyrose80 I wanted to tell you that honest to god when I read that I covered my mouth with my hand - I wasn't even thinking when I did it - it was totally instinctive because I was so shocked.

It is one of the worse things I've read on here. In some ways it's more evil than just vile spewed profanities which are still abusive but maybe more symptomatic of a loss of temper and a verbal flailing around. This is so nastily and precisely targetted with truly evil coldness about it.

No one normal would ever say that or anything close to it to someone they cared about - even just as a friend - no matter how angry they are.

This alone = get away from this man asap.

Pinkmonkeybird · 19/08/2019 22:02

Stay with the vibrator, you will have a much more mature relationship with it than with that idiot.

Seriously, don't waste anymore time with this immature person. Throwing insults and jealousy. This is controlling and abusive. Don't take him back FGS.

I'd like to see how he will explain to others why he left "she bought a vibrator"....

Original poster
Lillyrose80 · 19/08/2019 22:03

Yes my mother told me she didn't belive me when I told her he was being abusive last time and then she laughed and said I should be lucky to be with him as he works hard for me and the kids. I'll never ever forget it. I said do you think. I'm lying mum? And she said yes I do. I showed told her about the names he calls me and controlling behavior... Her response was rubbish, your talking nonsense We have never been the same since and I've pretty much cut myself off from her and my sisters as they believe him also. He says I upset him he twists it. But that's no excuse they are my family and should stand by me, it's been hard coming to terms with the fact they belive him over me. I don't tell them anything about myself anymore just small talk. I have good friends thou. I didn't want to go to them about this as I wanted some outside opinions for my own reasons. I'll be ok, thanks for all of your replies xxx

OP posts:
FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 19/08/2019 22:04

Well done OP, if you feel your strength dipping at all over the coming months, come and read all these positive messages to help you remain strong.

Highly recommend doing The Freedom Programme (google it you can do it online).

So glad you can take your friend and still go away.

Flowers
Original poster
Lillyrose80 · 19/08/2019 22:06

I'll look into the freedom program thanks x

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 19/08/2019 22:12

She is the reason that that dynamic felt like 'home'
A dysfunctional home. This is so normal. Your mother clearly doesn't see you as a person with your own autonomy. She cannot know what you feel but she believes she does. Take a step back and grey rock her. This is going to be hard right now but I agree with suggestion to do the freedom course online.

My relationship with my mother was the reason I ended up in an abusive relationship as well. My mother wasn't cruel or angry but she used to staple on a smile and tell me how I felt. Emotions weren't allowed unless they were contentment or gratitude. That was it. ANy idea I had I was talked out of it. Any plan, I was told it was too risky. I had to do what she wanted me to do but we could never just come right out and say ''I"m doing what mum wants me to do'' - she would tell me why I wanted to do the thing I wanted to do. My childhood and teens I was told how I felt and what I thought and what I wanted.

She wasn't unkind, it was all fear based. And projection. I gues if I'd been brave enough to take risks it would have made her feel bad.

Anyway, prepare to have to unpick your relationship with your mother, but for now set that aside and just concentrate on securing your boundaries. Literally. Figuratively.

Brew
NotStayingIn · 19/08/2019 22:13

This is why I always think you should secretly record these outbursts. Because like hell should they also get everyone to be on their side when it all falls apart. Although I would still have hardly any contact with someone who doesn't believe me. But I would show those who don't believe me the recording and then tell them to do one.

Anyway, so glad you are leaving him. You will be so much better out of this shitshow. Flowers

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 19/08/2019 22:13

Ergh. Has he got any redeeming features? You don’t miss him, let him stay left. Bastard.

LettuceP · 19/08/2019 22:14

Wow he is truly awful Shock

Good on you OP, stay strong and don't you dare take that piece of shit back. Enjoy your holiday!

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 22:20

He is a complete Loser.

You are not. Keep him gone.

Durgasarrow · 19/08/2019 22:37

Holy shit. This is terrible.

Whataliberty · 19/08/2019 22:38

What an absolute cretin!! Sweetheart, he was lucky to have you.

Wishing you strength and support x

freeingNora · 19/08/2019 22:39

Well you know you can do this and you jolly well will. He's abusive please contact womens aid, the police and NCDV 0800 970 2070 in order to protect yourself and your children. This will help you get support and advice for moving forward safely but it will also create a paper trail should you need it later on for an official body of just what has happened to you and your children. 37 is not old by the way and there are experienced lovers out there who would enjoy pleasing you and themselves. Good luck to you

Original poster
Lillyrose80 · 19/08/2019 22:45

What is Grey rock someone?

OP posts:
Thequaffle · 19/08/2019 22:46

You know this is not normal.
Do yourself and your kids a favour and get rid of him. Xxx

Cecilandsnail · 19/08/2019 22:49

'It's either me or that?' I know which I'd be choosing!! He is a wankstain on humanity. Leave him far behind.

chickenyhead · 19/08/2019 22:56

Woooohoooooo......freeeeeeeeedooooom!

My family never believed me either. Took me lots of therapy to realise that this was because they had the same disordered thinking as XP.

I went NC in the end.

Sending you some cyber batteries xxxx

Whosorrynow · 19/08/2019 23:02

thats a dangerously fragile ego, a dangerously insecure man
he knows full well that the vibrator is a 'threat' to him (because his sense of masculine self esteem requires him to treat sex as a function that women perform for his benefit)
the very idea that a woman can pleasure herself and doesnt need a man for sexual gratification sent him into a rage, I'm surprised he didnt head butt the sex toy

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 23:03

Grey rock method

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 23:07

I said do you think. I'm lying mum? And she said yes I do.
Then your mother can fuck off to fucksville as well Lilyrose.

Erm - of course I mean - use Gray Rock with her too.

choli · 19/08/2019 23:08

My guess is that he already knew about the toy and was storing up the information for the best opportunity to use it as a weapon .

BBrush · 19/08/2019 23:13

Oh LillyRose, I'm sorry you're going through this. I think the worst part is not having your own family's support! If you had a more supportive family, you'd probably have had the confidence and self-worth to kick him out a long time ago. I hope all of these messages help you stay strong, as I'm sure you will need your strength when he inevitably comes back. Life can be much better than this. Sending much love x

RosieCockle · 19/08/2019 23:19

Vile man. Do yourself a favour and ltb.
He sounds like a c*nt.

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 23:19

@31RueCambon

Thank you for your enlightening post - especially
we could never just come right out and say ''I"m doing what mum wants me to do'' - she would tell me why I wanted to do the thing I wanted to do.

  • describes my sister uncannily well.

Her disordered thinking is the product of our upbringing (Borderline mother), but sadly she also absorbed mother's message that there is no such thing as mental health issues, just weakness ...
She was more actively cruel than your short description of your mum, but similarly fear-led. She has crippled my niece's self-esteem, turning her from a natural, outgoing, original little arse-kicker into a cipher & mini-me, & refused to allow my intensely bright nephew to access GP for anxiety/depression while he was still under her roof.

It's all so feckin' exhausting, isn't it - when the people with destructive illnesses simply cannot accept that they are NOT well adjusted & need some help? (& no, it's not me - I'm the black sheep who had a "nervous breakdown" & actually got her brains tested!)

Anyhoo sorry for rambling, didnlt mean to derail, but thanks again.