I’ve been going through the motions with my OH for a while and I feel completely stuck when our lives could be moving forwards- well our material lives anyway. We’ve been together for over ten years and have two children. My life is a little bit of a rollercoaster when it comes to our relationship and I’m getting tired of coming back from the bad but I feel scared of being alone. My OH is a hard working man it’s a good job but it’s extremely stressful and can leave him in a bad mood. I’ve come to realise that he actually doesn’t deal with stress very well at all and takes it out on those around him and doesn’t do a very good job at picking his battles. Life can be calm but when it’s not, living in my house is like treading on egg shells. I’ve got a good job and I work full time but as far as he’s concerned my job can’t be as stressful as his and I ‘only work around the corner’. This is a hard thing to hear when I’m managing life when he’s travelling for work and I’m working full time and organising isn’t our kids. He also lacks trust in me and makes me feel incompetent- for example, he has his own washing basket because he doesn’t trust me to wash his clothes as I accidentally damaged a couple of items a long time ago. There was a time not long ago that he literally screamed at me when I’d tried to help or support him when was stressed out but blamed me for making him that way because I ‘push him to behave like that.’
We don’t have sex. I can’t because I don’t like the way he is when he behaves that way and I don’t trust him not to behave like it again when he’s having good days or weeks. I’ve never had a one night stand because I’ve always needed to feel emotionally connected and because I don’t, I don’t want to.
A few years ago, he went with a prostitute (not full sex) and although I’m not hurt by it anymore, I still feel angry at how disrespectful he continues to be towards me as I thought that is nearly breaking up should have made him change.
The thing is, things are ok at the moment but I just can’t let my guard down. I’m cold with him and there’s no affection on my part because I have emotionally detached myself as the rollercoaster is too much for me. I don’t really know what I want from this post. I get scared that I’m young and I’m throwing away my life but I’m scared that life will be no better in the other side. I’m also scared that things are ok at the moment and that I might make a mistake leaving. We can get on well! We enjoy watching similar films, he can be helpful and can be quite funny around my family.