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Original poster

Do you want to know about flirting?

22 replies

Ritascornershop · 19/08/2019 17:28

I’m not sure if this comes down to personal preference or if this is another thing that the man I was seeing (past tense) was odd about.

In the last 6 months or so he’d been telling me occasionally about interactions he’d had with women where he’s been sure they were flirting with him. Now I’m at least as attractive (& middle-aged) and zero people flirt with me so I suspect he’s either making up the incidents wholesale or sees flirting where it doesn’t exist.

He said he was telling me to be honest and so I’d see that despite being a hot commodity (my words) he chose me.

If it actually was happening and people were coming on to your partner, would you want to know? I didn’t, it made me uncomfortable as it felt like he felt tempted all the time and that’s one of the last things I want a man I’m with to be thinking about. Or are they all switched on to potential sex all the time and have to make an effort to turn away out of love? Clearly I have zero idea about men.

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AnduinsGirl · 19/08/2019 17:43

He said he was telling me to be honest and so I’d see that despite being a hot commodity (my words) he chose me.
What kind of actual halfwit says or even thinks this kind of crap? Did you not laugh in his face?! Next time he comes out with something so stupid, PLEASE encourage him to take one of these panting women up on their offer and leave you in peace!

crappyday2018 · 19/08/2019 17:46

None of these events happened. He's trying to make you jealous/boost his own ego/make you think you've hit the jackpot etc etc. Embarrassing that a man of that age does that!

Original poster

Ritascornershop · 19/08/2019 17:46

Oh, I’m not seeing him anymore. So now I’m assessing the relationship and trying to figure things out.

He seemed very sincere about this, about wanting to tell me. I know I should have told him to cut it out, we did have a lot of conversations about how I’m naive and don’t see all the interest men have in me/how he sees all interactions as big deals and full of subtext etc. He could be very sweet in a lot of ways, but was fucking hard work.

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Coffeeandchocolate9 · 19/08/2019 17:52

He said he was telling me to be honest and so I’d see that despite being a hot commodity (my words) he chose me.

chuff me what an unattractive trait of his!

Did he stick feathers up his bum and parade about like a peacock to you, too?

Original poster

Ritascornershop · 19/08/2019 17:52

Crappyday, earlier in our relationship he’d make up stuff that was obviously nonsense that he thought made him look good and we talked about it and he did stop for a long time. Then recently this stuff came up (& hot on the heels of this other issues so the relationship is over) & I suspected some of it was his interpretation of innocent events/fantasy on his part for attention he wished he was getting/trying to impress me.

It doesn’t help that my best friend’s partner has very similar delusions of grandeur so it didn’t stand out as much as it might have done. He did have some great qualities, but also was mad as a box of frogs in other ways.

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Original poster

Ritascornershop · 19/08/2019 17:53

Coffee, he just was incredibly blind to how normal people act and how this behaviour would be perceived. He’s the most anxious person I’ve ever met (but has moments of intelligence and lucidity).

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Original poster

Ritascornershop · 19/08/2019 17:57

During the breakup conversation (which was mostly due to his recent but intense supposed jealousy over stuff I hadn’t done but which he claimed to think I had) he said he was telling me to be honest and also because I’d said (& I had) that I felt I never got chosen & he wanted to show me he was choosing me. Hmmm. Not my preference for how to show that, just sticking around would have been fine.

The consensus seems to be that telling your partner about perceived or actual flirting that you’re repelling is batshit.

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crappyday2018 · 19/08/2019 17:57

Maybe he's a narcissist! They tend to have delusions of grandeur. Making up stuff to make him look good and impress you is a massive red flag. I think you definitely dodged a bullet there.

Original poster

Ritascornershop · 21/08/2019 16:27

I’m coming around to the idea that he is a (covert) narcissist. He doesn’t entirely for that profile (he’s very generous, has a steady job, long-term friends).

But I still wonder if your partner had people coming onto them, would anyone want to know? I can see mentioning it if it was a funny story, but to mention it as a serious thing just felt really off. What was I supposed to do with that information!

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jannowitz · 21/08/2019 16:37

Men mistake women being friendly for them flirting with them.
They're stupid.

AmIThough · 21/08/2019 16:39

My DP is the complete opposite - he's completely oblivious when people flirt with him!

He did it to make you paranoid and grateful - it probably didn't happen or, if it did, it was women being polite in response to him being a sleaze.

Mileysmiley · 21/08/2019 16:42

Tell him to bog off! What a prick !... why would he want to say something like that to you .. is he expecting you to drop at his feet begging him not to leave with these imaginery women? I would pack his bag for him and shove him through the door >>>>>

poptypingchef · 21/08/2019 16:46

I have an old school friend who brings up at least once when I see her (sporadically) the names of all the boys who were OBSESSED with her at school - they weren’t and I can’t quite figure out why she lies about it as we were all there

Original poster

Ritascornershop · 21/08/2019 16:48

He is gone!

So no-one wants to hear if women have been flirting with your partner? Say it actually was happening, do you want to know?

In an alternate reality where it actually was happening, I don’t want to know as it made
me feel he constantly felt tempted but had to force himself not to engage (I was pretty darn sure it was in his head but willing to entertain the idea he believed it was happening).

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LightDrizzle · 21/08/2019 16:57

My ex-husband visited when my gorgeous friend was staying with me post-separation. She though that he was a cunt because he was and remains a cunt, however she was civil towards him as my DDs were present and she is a nice woman with manners. He later told DD1 that she was flirting with him and fancied him! 😂 Even aged 10 Ddthought he might have got it wrong, but he then offered the incontrovertible evidence that she’d sat with one foot pointed towards him, - the hussy!
I shared this gem with her when I found out and her face was a picture.
A minority of egotistical men do conflate friendliness and civility with naked lust. It’s amazing!

AmIThough · 21/08/2019 16:58

I think if it was making DP uncomfortable, or he thought someone was clearly after something, I'd want to be made aware just in case she tried anything weird (some women will pretend it's him doing all the chasing if they want to ruin a relationship).

I don't care if it's harmless banter with a woman he's friends with though - I think him telling me she was flirting would cause more problems than anything.

Original poster

Ritascornershop · 21/08/2019 17:06

Well, pointing your foot at someone, how else would they interpret that?! 😳🙄😂

Thanks AmI. He said that I’d said I never felt chosen so he was telling me to be honest but also to boost my confidence, help me see he’s choosing me. But it unnerved me, made me feel he sees opportunity everywhere. Personally, if I’m with someone that seeking part of my brain switches off and everyone pretty much becomes sexless to me and I only consider men’s sex in terms of “is this a safe situation”, like if I’m in a car park do I get into a lift alone with a man? No. Otherwise I just don’t think about their sex or gender. He seems to think of little else!

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Gemma1971 · 21/08/2019 17:20

My ex did this all the time. It is one of the reasons he is now an ex. It's commonly referred to as triangulation and is used to make the person seem more desirable in the partner's eyes by means of triggering fear, jealousy, that they may be more desirable than the partner and could leave at any time "if they wanted to" but of course they don't and half the time I think the women my ex brought up never even existed. He just did it because he wanted me to worry about him leaving, thus making me try harder to please him/stay in line.

Nasty tactic that was coupled with him using a covert and not so covert range of others. I, and you, are well rid.

If you doubt your decision, put yourself in his shoes and imagine churning out any of that shoite to him. You would never do or say that crap? There's your answer.

Original poster

Ritascornershop · 21/08/2019 17:29

Oh, I’d definitely never mention it!! In the unlikely event it happened. Mind you, he was always trying to convince me that men were looking at me, that innocent chat from baristas or shop clerks was meant to be flirting at me. So he saw it coming at me too.

His world view about male-female relations is just so weird. So intense! How can anyone be thinking about this all the time?

I just wasn’t sure if it was just me and wasn’t sure if a lot of men saw every interaction as potentially laden with sexual opportunity? It exhausts me to even think about it.

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Zaphodsotherhead · 21/08/2019 18:12

My XH was extremely socially naive and really didn't understand that, when a woman chats to you, she doesn't necessarily fancy you, particularly if you are both studying the same course and the 'chat's are exchanges of factual information.

He really believed that this woman was deeply in love with him (he took her walking out of a room after him as 'she was following him and trying to prolong a conversation' rather than, you know, walking out of a room after him. She was freaked out, and it was practically a restraining order situation.

aufaitaccompli · 21/08/2019 18:15

Ugh ...my exH was like this. He'd tell me about women coming onto him, telling him to dump me.
He even left the function we all happened to be at to speak with her outside..leaving me hanging after his big declaration.

He would ignore me on nights out and chat to women (sometimes). He kept me separate from his friends...and when I did see them, they acted so strangely around me.

You're sensible to have ended this...it's childish behaviour at best and devious manipulation at worst.

Original poster

Ritascornershop · 21/08/2019 18:26

I think it’s not conscious manipulation with this man - I’ve known him for years, know how anxious he is, how he doesn’t grasp how ludicrous some of his bragging sounds. I think he’s so used to saying bollocks it’s just on a loop in his head and he doesn’t hear half of it.

He also would say a ton of stuff to me to make me feel good (in the moment) but not follow through unless I went on about it. I learned to only make him follow up if I really needed something done and didn’t have the muscles or skill to do the diy myself. But initially it got things off to a weird start as it took me way too long to realize it was just waffle.

Honestly, he’s got some good qualities, but I’d rather be alone than deal with this nonsense.

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