Would you want to know why?

[FooFighter99]

If a close relative stopped speaking to you, would you want to know why?

This might be long, but hopefully not rambling and I just really need to get some perspective on this situation as lately is has been keeping me up at night wondering what the hell happened and I can’t stop thinking about it.

My cousin and I had always been close growing up as there’s only 11 months between us and our parents were very close (her mum is my dad’s little sister and my dad sadly died when I was little so that made us all quite close as a family).

We holidayed together as teenagers, spent quite a bit of time together going out drinking and enjoying each other’s company, she was my chief bridesmaid and so on, and we thought of each other as sisters and I love (loved???) her very much.

Until about 4 or 5 years ago, when she just basically stopped bothering with me. I would message asking to meet up and she would fob me off and nothing would get arranged, this happened loads of times with me always being the one trying to make plans and her never being interested. I honestly have no idea why she seemingly went off me, though I have a theory. I hope I don’t come across as a bitch because that is not my intention, but I have to wonder if she stopped talking to me because she is jealous?

The reason I think it may be jealousy is due to her marriage sadly breaking down (which she didn’t really discuss with me, which was totally up to her of course, but I would have been nothing but supportive) and I wonder if she resents me because I am happily married and have a child and I know she wants to have children.

I’d like to point out that at no point have I ever rubbed anything in her face, I have never gloated about anything and if anything I am jealous of her successful career, brand new car, numerous foreign holidays and nearly paid off mortgage!!

There have been issues in the past with wills and inheritance that caused a falling out between our parents (which was hard as, due to my dad no longer being with us, my mum bore the brunt of their ill-feeling), but we always swore we wouldn’t let those issues come between us.

I guess what I want advice about is whether I should ask her outright if I have done something to upset her or should I just let it go? I’ve asked my other cousin (her brother, who was also very close to us growing up and she is still very close to now) and he says that there isn’t anything wrong that he knows of… but how can we go from being so close to never speaking if I haven’t done something wrong?

This is literally tearing me apart inside, I am gutted!!

Also, so as not to drip-feed, I did delete her and her brother off Facebook, to see if they’d notice as I was sad and upset that she didn’t seem to give a shit about me anymore, unfortunately she noticed straight away and I stupidly lied and blamed DD for “messing with my phone, and deleting loads of ppl” which she no doubt saw straight through. I don’t think this had much bearing on the breakdown of the relationship though as it happened ages after she started to withdraw from me.

I realise, reading this back, that it could be that she's just not bothered and maybe I come across as needy? But family means a lot to me and I thought she loved me as much as I loved her

Anyway, if you made it this far, thank you very much!

What would you do?

If she noticed that you were no longer a FB friend and actually contacted you to ask about why you’d deleted her, this would surely imply she’s interested in maintaining some sort of relationship - if she wanted you out of her life she wouldn’t care that she’d been deleted.

I would write her an email or letter just setting out that you love her and always thought the two of you were close and are therefore confused and upset that you no longer hear from her or see each other. Say you hope it wasn’t something you inadvertently said or did. Acknowledge that if this is because she has something going on in her life (don’t mention anything about jealousy or your husband and child: whether it’s the case or not it will get her back up, it is a patronising assumption), or is experiencing some problems or some sadness about anything then you’d really like the opportunity to help in any way you can. Acknowledge that at the moment she might just need some space but that you’ll always be there when she’s ready to talk.

Basically, hold out an olive branch but don’t try to analyse what might be wrong in your relationship or focus on who may have done what. It is very likely nothing to do with something you have done wrong.

Thanks Comtesse for your reply. I have held out the olive branch numerous times and she makes all the right noises but then contact drops again (my mum keeps trying to tell me to let it go as I can't/shouldn't keep running after her).

I think I just need to resign myself to the fact that I care about her more than she does me and she's obviously not interested in maintaining a relationship.

Of course I would. I'm nothing to do with your situation but even I want to know why. If I was you in this situation I would need to know why!

I think if you were that close then it would be fair to at least ask her out-right. Send her an email perhaps (as this can be longer) just saying that you feel very sad that you are no longer close and you miss her and would like to understand what happened and if you did anything wrong.
If she fobs you off again then I would have to assume its her with the problem and not you. But if she is honest and gives you a valid reason, you have the chance to try and resolve it, or at least have closure.

Exactly Ralph

But if I ask the question, and she fobs me off like she has done before and says everything's fine then where do I go from there? Or if she says yes: you did this, that and the other - what happens then?

I'm so confused and torn and pissed off. I'm not even sure the relationship is worth salvaging either

I just don't know what to do

Thanks Crappy

I think I'll work on drafting an email (assuming she still uses the same email address) and try and get it all out and see what she says

Yup I’d ask directly
You have tried the olive branch, checking with another relative and softly softly

So nothing to lose really?

She doesn’t sound very nice tho tbh

I'm intrigued (nosey) about the inheritance issues. Can you give some details about those? If it was a really big deal with the parents is it possible that now she's older she sees the matter in a different light? Was there some gross unfairness etc involved?

Instead of faffing about with emails and other people, just ring her up and talk to her.

I don't think ringing is the best idea. She may not like being put on the spot like that and may fob you off for that reason. If you email, you can articulate exactly what you want to say and she has an opportunity to read this and respond in her own time (if she wants to).
You could offer to talk on the phone or get together to talk about it on your email.

@EileenAlanna I’ve PM’d you as the detailed could be outing

@FooFighter99 did you call her?

@Holidaysmoliday no, I’m not sure I want to

Aw I get that
Bet it’s all of nothing tho and she’s just a bit jealous or flaky or struggling with her own life

If you don’t find out then try to just move on
It’s sad though

I think asking straight out is the only way forward tbh. If she says that nothing is wrong then you have to accept that maybe you have just drifted apart and have a different type of relationship now.

Send the email.

Have you considered OP - that rather then being jealous- she might just feel embarrassed or ashamed? When people’s marriages break down this can often be accompanied by a sense of failure, which can be hard to face. There can be bad behaviour on one or both sides too. And instinctively sometimes people can withdraw from those they are close to because they can’t easily hide behind ‘everything is fine’ to those who know them well. That’s where I would guess the issue is from what you have said.

If someone desperately wants DC but is unable for whatever reason, it can be incredibly painful speaking to people who have DC.

When I was going through my own struggle with infertility, the only person I could bear to speak to about it was my sister, who has chosen to not have DC. That may sound weird. She chose, and I didn't have a choice, right? But we were in the same place regardless. And she gave me far more support than family members who were just parroting cliches like "it will happen when you least expect it". Yes bitch just like the zombie apocalypse 🧟‍♀️

Does she, or did she ever, have any issues around her MH? Could she be depressed and hiding it, but being in contact with extra people is just one more thing that she can't cope with?

I know sometimes I know, absolutely, that I should check in with friends, but I know that this will mean that a conversation ensues for which I really don't have the energy (explanations, in depth conversations about things etc). So it just sort of 'slips my mind'. Doesn't mean I don't care about them, I just don't have the mental space at the moment.

Maybe back pedal for a while, give her some space, and see whether she comes to you? Keep her on Facebook, maybe send her a message from time to time saying you'd like to see her, but not pressurising?

If it's been 4 or 5 it may indicate that your lives have just gone in directions.

She's moved on.
Got new friends.

Nothing you've done but people change.
What worked once doesn't mean it works now.

She probably won't even remember why your relationship just fizzed out.

But stuff happens.

But what about now?

Are you feeling s bit lonely?
Hankerings after the past ?

Time to focus on all the good in your life.

Make new friends and embrace the ones already in your life.

As for be jealous of her life would you really want to swop.....?

If something is lacking in your life focus your energy there.

This lapsed friendship may be just a red herring for other stuff going off in your life.

It could be any if the above things already mentioned; it could be that she feels you don't have anything much in common at this time ( you've continued to be a happily married, and you have kids) while she's divorced, presumably single and childfree (at this time). She may (which I think is shit but I'd the way many people act) drift back toward you of she gets into a relationship and have kids, because you'll have lots of stuff in common again then. People often can't be arsed making an effort with someone whose circumstances are quite different and whim they don't have lots in common with at a certain time. I never cease to be amazed by how detached, flaky, self serving and unsentimental many people are in "friendships". Even more amazed about how they think they can drift back, after no effort, if and when they want to. I suppose they think everyone had the same attitude as them and wouldn't be offended of hurt by the behaviour.

I honestly don't think there's going to be a big revelation; i doubt it will be worth the confrontation (I know it's not a confrontation exactly but ..). It's probably just that you're living different types of lives and she has little in common with you at this time, and she can't be arsed.

Doesn't make her a good friend but then few people are very good friends.

Interesting. I try to keep in contact with my cousin and she blanks me. Ignores my friend requests and messages yet is friends with my sister?! So know how you feel! It's like a someone kicking you in the stomach isn't it?

I wonder if she resents me because I am happily married and have a child and I know she wants to have children
After my marriage broke down, I was depressed and took a couple of years to get over that. At first, I didn't want to speak to anyone at all, as I couldn't speak about my exh without my knees shaking and heart pounding, and found it embarrassing. But at the same time it felt awful to sit there talking about mundane stuff when I was plagued by anxious thoughts about whether I would be able to support myself, how I could afford to live etc. I wasn't jealous of my family members who were still married - being depressed I assumed that they were all either secretly unhappy or probably cheating on one another - but it did make me feel bad when we were all together - all of them in couples, except me - simply because it reminded me that I was now alone.

Now several years have gone past, but I haven't built back all the same relationships I had previously: like many people after a divorce I've taken the opportunity to change my life in some ways, made new friends, etc. It's not that I dislike any of the people involved, or have gone off them; it's partly that the last contact I had with them was during those unhappy times, and partly that that crisis made me realise that some of the relationships were at best extremely flimsy.

I agree with the others - I think you should contact your cousin and ask if you have done something wrong. It could be that she is struggling after her relationship breakdown. At least if you ask her, whatever the outcome, you have done all you can to try to resolve things