Fallen out of love with husband

[Zippetydoodahzippetyay]

I've been with my husband for 12 years, married 7. We have two children, aged 4 and 2.

I think I've known for a while, but am only just starting to admit to myself that I don't love my husband anymore. I care about him a lot but not in a romantic way.

He irritates me in many little ways. All he does is work. He has no social life and no hobbies. He is a loving father and does the children's bath and story most nights, but leaves the emotional labour to me. Whereas I read countless articles on parenting and talk to my mum friends, he hasn't even finished the one and only parenting book I bought for him 4 years ago.

He always gets to be the good guy and leaves most of the discipline/education to me. Our oldest has him wrapped around her little finger. As an example, I've been talking about how this bothers me and also about my desire to get the children in bed earlier. So last night, midway through dinner, he announced he had made jelly but that they needed to ask me if they could have some. So I either had to be the bad guy and say no to them, or had to deal with two sugar-hyped children at bedtime.

Sex is infrequent. I've always been someone who wanted sex, but to be honest have never had a partner who really did it for me. But I find myself not caring if I ever had sex again with him. I don't like the way he smells (he showers everyday, I just don't like his personal odour) and don't really even enjoy kissing him anymore. The smell of his nose breath also turns me right

It didn't used to be like this. To be truthful I had doubts about the relationship (eg. he is very introverted, I'm not super extrovert but much more sociable than him). But I did love him. I suspect some of this change has been a gradual increase in hurt and frustration at his lack of emotional support. He went through some tough times in the past 4 years, but so have I, and he just was not able to support me emotionally in becoming a mother. I have very limited support locally as all my family live a 4 hour flight away.

I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, but I don't want to be separated either. I know this isn't fair on him though. He is a good man and deserves and clearly wants more affection and love than I give him.

Not really sure what I am hoping from this post but just needed to put it out there rather than stifling it inside me. Do you think it's possible for me to get past any of this and fall in love again? Can we be happy together do you think? Or are we doomed to separate?

Thanks for reading if you got through that. Sorry it's so long.

It's tough OP. I felt a lot like you and tried to deny it for a long time. Those little irritations just got bigger and more of them. I realised I was much happier when it was just me and DCs at home and my mood would change when he got back.

In the end I just couldn't keep going and we did separate last year. I had thought for years I wasn't bothered about sex at all. Turns out I wasn't interested in sex with him. I'm so much happier now and just felt relieved at ending it.

Are you sure you’re not just expecting too much? I’ve raised two kids and to be honest, never read a parenting book or article (apart from that book where they go on a bar hunt rather than a bear hunt). None of my friends have and my husband would snort tea out of his nose in laughter if I plonked a parenting book in front of him and told him to read it. Aren’t you taking all of this a bit too seriously? Where’s the laughs? That’s what keeps love and marriage and parenting going? I get what you say about the body odour but surely that can be solved by buying something like tea tree shower gel and some nice after shave etc? You said he does bath and bed so surely he’s dealing with the super hyped kids at bed? You know life is short right? It’s school holidays. Let the kids eat the jelly! It’s not happening every night. Do you think you might be a bit uptight about everything? Do you do anything together as a couple? Go out and have a laugh? Try that before separating would be my advice. The happiest couples I know have a regular babysitter booked once a month and go out and do something. Walk on the beach. Cinema. Bowling. Find some common ground before chucking it away? Just my opinion.

This was exactly like my first marriage. In fact 2 seconds before I opened this thread I was thinking about how it all ended etc!

I don't think he did anything majorly wrong but just lots of little irritations, a few piss takes like leaving the hard work up to me and a few fairly minor personality differences. I had let it get to the pint of no return instead of working on our relationship and talking about everything. I often wonder if I'd have communicated better and earlier whether we might still be together.

Do you think there's any going back from where you are right now? Do you think if you talked and changes (from you both) were made that you could change how you feel?

It got to the point where I just didn't want to change, I was happier to leave the marriage and be single again.

Thank you so much for the replies.

Just to clarify, he does bath and book probably 4 nights of the week, the other days he gets home after their bedtime. He leaves for work before we wake up in the morning. Technically he doesn't have to, but he likes to avoid the traffic. So ultimately I'm on my own with the children all day from 6am until bedtime at least 3 days a week. A max of 4 days he does a quick bath and story. I still do bedtime every single night and always have done.

I probably have become too serious, but to be honest that example did give the wrong impression as he is absolutely the serious one and it was at his request that I bought a book for him. He was the third boy to an absent father and neurotic mother so didn't have much knowledge or instinct for parenting (by his own admission). I was trying to support him in feeling more confident about what to expect and found an easy to read and short book about babies and what to expect as girls grow up. The articles I read are simply when I am lying in bed breastfeeding and trying not to shop online haha.

I have always been a fun and happy person and in fact feel like that side of me has died a little since being with my husband. He is the kind of person who plans and saves for the future without respect for the present. He is super habitual and has lots of routines etc that he follows.

I guess as I type everything out I've realised that I miss intellectual stimulation, emotional connection and simple fun. I have never got a lot of those things out of him. I used to explain that away easily- we met when both living in another city. I was living with a crazy housemate so he invited to move in with him. I promptly snapped 2 ligaments in my ankle and was on crutches for 6 weeks. By the time I was off crutches I had developed pneumonia. Got better and we had a great 6 months before he made the decision to move back to his home city. I followed 6 months later. We had 2 hard years adjusting to the move, 2 wonderful years and then he was made redundant twice in 2 years, then since having our daughter 4 years ago he has lost both his Grandma's and his dog, then his mum (who was incredibly judgemental towards my every move) developed a brain tumour and died 3 weeks before our second baby was born. It was horrid for him. But basically I did absolutely everything for everyone practically and emotionally despite having young babies and literally no help or support. There was no recognition from anyone that my life had also gone through massive changes, that I was utterly alone, flying by the seat of my pants as far as parenting and doing my best to support my husband and Fil. I feel a bit robbed of those first years with my babies and a bit disappointed that nothing I did has been acknowledged.

I think one thing we do definitely need to work on is time out as a couple. I think we have used me breastfeeding as an excuse for why I need to be home. But we could easily go out for dinner or a movie more often. Would give us more
To talk about too.

@NewMe2019 sorry to hear you went through similar but glad things have worked out. If you don't mind me asking, how did you approach it with your husband and how did he take it? Anytime we talk about it, my husband basically says "I'll try harder" which feels like a meaningless platitude. Then nothing really changes. But I worry that he would be so heartbroken and alone if I did leave him.

The smell of his nose breath also turns me right off

Hahahaha

Sorry. But to answer your question, no you will not fall in love with this man again.
Reading everything you’ve posted, I don’t think you’re right for each other/compatible and it will be very difficult to make you happy.

Cloudy!! What an awful thing to post!
Of course you can get the love back OP, just think of him with a lovely woman, one who gets him, and your kids going from one house to another, that's what pulled me up short and stopped the navel gazing

You’re at a very tough stage with small kids right now. It’s hard and boring especially if you’ve got no help and no nights out planned to look forward to. Time to shake it up and try to get your mojo back before ditching the marriage? Things I did to try and get a life back included joining a gym that has a crèche attached. Take out a family membership. Then on a Saturday/Sunday morning you put the kids in the crèche for a couple of hours and you both go for a swim/sauna/gym/play tennis whatever then have brunch together. Do this every week for 6 months. Get kids into nursery/preschool. Even if it’s only two mornings a week. That gives you time to yourself which is vital for happiness. You say he does bath/story but not bed? What? Why not? He’s right there. That has to change. On the nights he’s doing bath etc you go out. Leave him to it. Go do a yoga class or go to a book club or slimmers world or a coffee with a friend. Try that and see if it picks up your mood and mood towards him. I’d also suggest counselling to get out all of your frustrations/resentments. You can’t change the past but you can change the future

I think you need to have an honest heartfelt conversation with yiur husband.

You both need to decide whether yiur relationship is salvageable. You are coming out of the worst of baby years now, with everything that’s been going on you’ve both been surviving and not living.

Also it’s hard not to resent the one who gets to skip off out of the house each day and avoid all parenting.

You have to communicate honestly with your dh without blame. For some couples this makes them stronger and for others they realise it’s over. Best of luck what ever path you choose.

Thank you all for your kind words and ideas. Definitely good for thought. I absolutely need to get over my past frustrations because even though he might not have got it right a lot in the past, he really does try. I want us to work, I'm just so tired of feeling unsupported and bored. I spoke to him earlier today and we have agreed to commit to a monthly date night as a start. My friends and I have been talking about a girls night for ages but we all have young children and work part time so it gets put off again and again. I will try to make that happen as well. In theory I go to the gym 3 times a week, but that is all I regularly do for myself. Perhaps time to book in a few appointments with beautician and hairdresser as well. I do feel very unattractive at present which doesn't help things.

Thank you all, amazing how even putting thoughts into words and having people acknowledge that can help you process things a bit.

I wouldn’t do anything rash at this stage. Mumsnet has taught me that these early childhood years are notoriously hard on relationships. It may well be that once the kids are both at school, and you get a chance to breathe a tiny bit, you feel differently. Or at least have the motivation to try counselling with him. Expand your own world first, then see.

It doesn’t mean that what you’re feeling isn’t real or potentially serious, just that the grass isn’t necessarily greener if you leave him now and still have all those care responsibilities but more stress and less money (making a couple of assumptions here).

That jelly example is typical of many households, where mum gets cast as the Ogre and Dad gets the Prince Charming role for himself. That jelly would be...oops...dropped soundly on the floor in the kitchen at the first sign of this conversation. Then I’d go on with bedtime routine, leaving him to clean it up. It really seems the only way to change the narrative. Prince Charmings don’t like playing Cinderella, on the floor with cloths. They soon decide they won’t be doing that again.

Up to you if you admit it was on purpose, or if you’re just so clumsy after a long hard day of caring!

I don’t say my approach is very mature, but it is satisfying and surprisingly effective!

Call me a pessimist, but things probably can't be salvaged. But you seem to be full of resentment and anger towards your husband, most of it unfair. If you can just let that go somehow and accept you've just grown apart, and its neither of your fault, it will make things easier.

Relationships change so much over time.

It can be really tough on relationships raising children, because it becomes all about them. But it’s not forever.

You really need to be honest and talk to your husband about how you feel, he can tell you how he feels, and try to make a plan to move forward.

Don’t throw your marriage away because you feel dissatisfied, without talking through both of your needs otherwise resentment will build. You can change your marriage and make it stronger.

Good luck OP.

@Fucket you are absolutely right about the surviving not living. That's exactly how it has felt.

Thanks all, definitely no rash decisions here, that's not my style at all, but was feeling sad, lonely and helpless last night, wondering how and if we can change this pattern. I don't even want to think about being with anything else. I just don't want to feel sad and lonely in my marriage. I'm sick of coming last. But I know I have to do my bit to change that too.

@Zippetydoodahzippetyay I had a friend going through the same thing and has split from her H and when I was telling my ex, I said I was feeling the same (unhappy), which he knew as I'd said something months earlier but as he had completely ignored it, I had forgotten! He then offered to do anything to fix it but I said I didn't want to. He made a few efforts but they didn't last and he still didnt bother with the stuff that had been irritating me (half painted fence from 3 years ago etc) and I knew he just would never change. He lost weight but it didn't last, he started shaving a bit more and had a hair cut but then went back to just letting it grow and get scruffy again. I knew they were half hearted attempts and that he wouldn't change. Plus my love was gone. There was nothing that would change that.

After another 3 months it just came to a head. I shut myself away a lot and he finally broached it with me (first time ever, he never said anything about anything) and I ended it. I was so relieved by then.

Please talk to him and be completely honest and frank about your feelings.

I could have written your post years ago- with a few extra complications thrown in - and didn't speak to him. I kept hoping I could get it back alone if I just tried to be kinder, see the good things, battled through not wanting to have sex with him and made it a habit.

Now I'm years down the line and only just had the very frank conversation. He has made massive changes that probably if he had made years ago would have really helped but I fear I'm too far gone. That said, life is nicer now we are both making more effort, and we are ensuring we have time for just us too, doing things. Not just going for a drink etc. I sorely regret not having the courage to raise it sooner.

I would recommend counselling. I've been doing it with DH and it has improved our communication so much. Things are much better than they were.

I feel for you and can relate.
Over the years I have done so much. Worked, had children one with SN, supported his side if the family and my part of the family to the point where I was doing EVERYTHING on my own. Financially, emotionally etc. And not one **ing person acknowledged how hard it was or appreciated my efforts. To top it off, if I complained about anything I was made to feel a failure. It got so bad that it started affecting my mental health. The only thing that changed was me. Firstly I stopped giving a damn if my family appreciated me or not. Secondly I demand that my DH puts in his fair share finacially and emotionally or I was prepared to dump him; he soon pulled up his pants. And finally, I take time out for myself and my family have to get used to it.
OP I still have the same responsibilities but just a better balance.